WHY WHAT YOU LOVE SUCKS: HALLOWEEN

It’s Halloween again! Come, join us. Take a minute to really enjoy the meaning of this wonderful holiday… and how much it sucks.

Does anybody know why we dress up for Halloween every year? Anybody? Okay fine, here; we wear masks and costumes during Halloween to blend in with spirits that are passing to the beyond. I don’t actually mind this! I think it’s kind of cool, and a very unique way for kids (read: KIDS) to have fun for a day. Things have, however, changed since the days of ole…

What I do mind is how this tradition turned into knocking on strangers’ doors and asking for handouts. What better way to try roofalin for the first time? Halloween is only second to Christmas on the list of “Holidays That Have Been Bastardized.” I think it’s safe to say that modern-day Halloween can be defined as the holiday where kids dress up as super heroes and princesses, and adults roam in the city hammered off of their face while wearing a penis costume.

There is absolutely no indication of tradition left in this poor, soulless holiday. The only thing that upsets me more than the lack of history involved is the fact that hardly anyone asks “Hey, why do we dress up like Fred Flintstone and Bruno on the last day of October?” People just simply and mindlessly go with it! If anything, the spirits we’re warding off are gonna join the party. Not that they’d be unwelcome, I’m sure one of these “frightening” chicks on a float in the Village would go with it.

Listen, I know you’re all gonna go to your stupid Halloween parties anyway, and you’re all gonna wear your stupid male-female electric socket outfits, and do body shots off of the chick dressed as Ariel from the stupid Little Mermaid (I can’t blame you there), I’m just asking you to read up on your holidays before you go celebrating it. Which you won’t do anyway, so have a good Halloween.

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