THE HOLIDAY SEASON: NOT JUST FOR JESUS FREAKS AND JEWS ANYMORE!

Greetings Valtrex Users,

December 22, 2008 by sham
Filed under Bizarre, Humor, The McGyptian Blog, Words

Greetings Valtrex Users,

Every year we sing Santa Claus songs and cause fire hazards in our homes by bringing in dead trees, and strapping electric wiring to them, but in this new age where people can choose what they want to celebrate without being burned at the stake I will explore some of these new exciting holidays as well as some old, less modern ones.

I’ll start with Christmas.

As everyone knows, Christmas was started by the time traveling CEO of Wal-Mart. This clever pawn of pure evil took Criss Angel and transported him back in time, forcing him to accomplish great feats. You know him as Jesus Christ!

THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY! and if you read the book of Matthew it says: ” And as I looked downeth at mine goblet, Jesus smiled and said, ‘ Matthew is the aceth of clubs the card you choseth?’. We all rejoiced and kneweth that was the deck of the lord.”

I won’t go into it, but you can deduce how Wal-Mart is now a super power of the world. So now you know if you shop there you are a devil worshiper because they used Criss Angel’s clone as a pawn to create a holiday for corporate America to cash in on. I’m sorry Criss…it’s true. And another thing…Why do they call it “X-Mas”. This must mean that Christmas has it’s roots in something negative. “XXX” means Porn. The symbol for a wrong answer on Family Feud is “X”, When you broke up with that bitch who sucked your brother off last thanksgiving, you call that two timing whore your “Ex”. That drug you did that fried your brain so bad you can’t zip your own pants is called EX-tasy. See, need I say more.

The Next holiday is Hanukkah.

This Hanukkah is sponsored by…He-Brew, The Chosen Beer…This Hannukah, He-Brew reminds you to drink responsibly and L’Chaim to Life! Now back to your regularly scheduled blog.

Hannukah is called the festival of lights. Instead of one day of presents, you get 8 crazy nights. Haha but seriously, this holiday is celebrated by “The Jews” who are mainly located in Israel and Los Angeles. This holiday is comprised of a candle with 9 spots. Each representing the days of the week. I think the extra spot is a sick day holder. If you’re too sick to celebrate you light that candle so god knows you didn’t just ditch out on Hanukkah, you had a reason. Many celebrities are Jewish. There’s Bobby Brown, Yoda, George Takay, Andy Dick, Oprah, Mel Brooks, the color blue, and of course…Adam Sandler. You get one gift everyday for 8 days which doesn’t sound too bad, but on Christmas you get them all in bulk on one day so Jesus’ Birthday wins this one.

Now that we’re done with these old and frankly “Not so fun” holidays I move on to some newcomers that are really making their mark on society.

Kwanzaa

Now, I may be wrong, but according to my sources Kwanzaa was created by Miss Cleo as seen in this promotional photo. This seems to be an amalgam of Hanukkah and thanksgiving, and if my mastery of photo explanation serves me correctly, I’d say that Miss Cleo is displaying the amount of money you must pay to eat Kwanzaa dinner with her. If you want to be modern sometimes money must be spent so to all those who celebrate this great, new holiday…

The final holiday is one that is very near and dear to my own heart.

THE WINTER SOLSTICE OF HOLICRON NEXUS PRIME!

Now this is a very special holiday. I am not a Scientologist as some might believe. I am from a church that has branched off called “The Church of Xenu Hubbard and Latter Day Alien Warlords”. We are a very calm, collected people who wish for nothing more than peace on HOLICRON NEXUS PRIME (Earth) and death for all those who oppose the overlord and life-giver Xenu. Sure, after we have reached the highest levels of enlightenment we are granted the gifts of flight, telepathy and telekinesis, and all you guys do is eat wafers, drink wine and light candles every week, but we are just people like you…you and you. ALL HAIL THE SUPREME OVERLORD OF HOLICRON NEXUS PRIME! And happy holidays from my family to yours! Oh and please, no making fun. You have people like Sandler, Cleo, and Mel Gibson. We have Tom Cruise and Travolta. Boom.

Love always,
Sham TM

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Tags: christmas, Hanukkah, holidays, kwanzaa, reptilian overlords, scientology, sham

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