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Greetings Valtrex users,

In a previous blog I mentioned the appearance of the Montauk pig monkey man. I warned of the onslaught of random creature sightings and now my fears have unfortunately come to fruition. Recently police in some bumfuck town captured footage of a strange creature with a long snout running up a dirt road. It resembled a dog but witnesses say it smelt of tequila, which means it’s name must be mexican in origin. Though that may sound racist, for once, southern people’s hatred of all other races may actually be right. Behold…THE GOAT SUCKER! or CHUPACABRA!

This is the footage.

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/possible-chupacabra-sighted-in-south-texas/1287949094

Now it may look like a normal dog, but when it turns its head ever so slightly you can see the eyes of the devil! Laugh now, but don’t be crying when this thing is in your yard sucking off your goats.

BREAKING NEWS: This is fucking surreal, some trackers say they have discovered the corpse of bigfoot.

http://www.ktvu.com/news/17174989/detail.html

OR MAYBE IT WAS YOUR MOM! OOHHHHHHHHHH SNAP!

Now that i’ve scared the shit out of myself allow me to give you some of my favorite monsters and I’ve asked a few people what their favorite monster was.

The Boogeyman

This fucker used to always give me that uneasy, there’s someone right outside the room feeling when I masturbated. It’s very hard to picture Bea Arthur nude on a unicorn while there’s some snot monster in your closet. Turned out the boogie monster in my closet was just a deranged relative who was left at my house on a holiday. I took my closet door off so i can have more comfortable times with myself. Video games pervs. YEAH, Videogamesterbating. (I apologize as my other personality feels the need to interject). Fuck you. See.

The Jersey Devil

WOOHOO New Jersey, way to have the pussiest, most pathetic state monster in history. I wanna baste that thing in buffalo sauce and shove a skewer up its ass. That says alot about me I suppose. Well this thing supposedly lives in some forest called the “Pine Barrens”, but I’m pretty sure the other monsters call it the “hiney sex barrens”. Plus Jersey smells. So simple deductive logic states. State smells like hiney, monster participates in hiney sex…Boom.

The Mothman

I’m not even going to dignify this myth with a joke. Fuck you mothman. You picked one hell of an insect to scare people with. I’m more scared of you flying in my face when I turn the light on or eating my clothes you douchebag.

Well I could go on and on with my list of monsters but let’s hear a couple from friends of mine.

This is my monster talk with my friend Chaz

CHAZ: The monster I could most clearly remember would have to be my Uncle Jake. He would watch us on saturday nights, or what I liked to call “Can’t sit down saturdays”, and he would put that…rubber mask on, and when I got hit with that vaseline covered sock filled with tangerines…

SHAM: WHOA WHOA WHOA, dude Like a mythical monster….

CHAZ: ::CRYING:: Oh…Well Lochness monster was…. pretty…. cool…

And this was my monster talk with my friend Janine.

Janine: I love monsters. Especially monsters who are TOO AFRAID TO TELL THEIR GIRLFRIENDS THEY ARE CHEATING ON THEM!!! OH WAIT YOU CAN’T BE A MONSTER WITH A 2 INCH PENIS CAN YOU?! CHAZ HAS HERPESSSSSSSS!!!!

SHAM: ::SIGHS:: Thanks Janine. (Sorry Chaz)

Well that does it for My short look into the world of monsters and childhood trauma.

If you’re not watching the darkness then for god’s sake watch your kids around Uncle Jake…
Love always,
Sham the McGyptian

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