The Bachelor’s Guide: The ‘Hoe’ Phone

This weeks question is how to deal with the new woman in your life, jealous about the girls you used to hang out with. Read on and your problem will be solved.

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.

Today’s question comes from Billy in Cleveland, Ohio.

Dear Brendan:

I recently started dating a girl, and I think it is getting pretty serious. I really like her a lot but we had a fight the other day after she saw a text convo I had with a girl I used to date. She told me I needed to stop talking to all the girl I’ve dated in the past if our relationship is going to work. I don’t want to screw this up, but at the same time, some of these girls have become friends and I would feel bad about cutting them out of my life. What should I do?

Well Billy, I know it sounds harsh but your problem is not an uncommon one. Sometimes women have a habit of being incredibly insecure. And in all fairness, you would probably be upset if she was talking to some guy that she used to play backseat rodeo with. And even though all hope seems to be lost, I think I could help you. Billy, what you need is a ‘Hoe Phone.’ A hoe phone is a pre-paid phone that your girlfriend should never know about.  Have you ever heard about men having hidden bank accounts? Well imagine this as your hidden skank account.

It’s real simple. You get your hoe phone and on that phone, you send a text message to every girl you would like to secretly keep in contact with, telling them that this is your new number. You then erase them from your primary phone, proving to your girlfriend what a stand-up guy you are. And never ever, check that phone in front on your girlfriend. It does not exist. Your friends do not know about it, your family does not know about it. And every girl you meet from this point on, will go in this phone only. The hoe phone is reserved completely for hoe’s. If you follow these instructions, your problem is solved.

An added bonus, when a girl in your life knows you have a girlfriend and agrees to call you on a private line that only you and her know about, she is more than likely willing to do a lot of other things that only you and her know about.

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

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