Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.
This weeks question comes from Greg in San Francisco, California.
Dear Brendan;
I am a 25 year old bachelor who just finished graduate school, and finally moved out of my parent’s house. I like living on my own, but I am sick of sleeping on an air-bed and staring at white walls. How can I turn this into a place I would enjoy, and won’t cause women to run away the second they see it?
Greg, congrats on getting your first official bachelor’s pad. Now, let’s fix her up! Step one, your not a kid anymore, so take the calendar girl and band posters off the wall, put them in a box with all the comic books you have in you house and hide them DEEP in your closet. When you bring a girl home on a Friday night from the bar, your not going to have much luck romancing her if she is staring at a half-naked Carmen Electra, while your telling her what happened in the last Civil War book.
The next step is painting the walls. I am going to leave the colors up to you, but make sure whatever they are, that they are warm and inviting. Nobody likes a yellow room.
Ok, now let’s talk furniture. The living room is probably the most important room of your apartment because it is the only true public area. Your not going to be able to get around spending money on this room.
Let’s start with the couch. Most people prefer leather, but these people are wrong. Leather gets hot, leather gets sticky, and in most cases it is extremely tacky. So get yourself a nice cozy, comfortable, fabric couch. So the next time a girl cuddles up to you, she doesn’t have to worry about your purple leather making her ass sweat after 30 seconds. Once you have the couch (and it’s matching chair because your classy), it should be fairly simple to find a coffee table and end tables to match it.
A flat-screen is a MUST! It’s time to get rid of the 1995 TV/VCR combo. Set yourself up with a top of the line entertainment center. It will give you a reason to stay at home and sit on your brand new couch. The only problem is, guests will never want to leave. But at least you won’t have to drive home after the Super Bowl.
Alright stud, let’s move to the bedroom. We don’t have to go crazy in this room. A bed could be pricey, but if you get the right one, it will be the last one you ever have to buy. Don’t try to save money by buying a smaller bed, because your not eight. You need at least a Queen. Other than the bed, the bedroom is pretty simple. Pick up a sturdy well-made dresser or armour, which ever you prefer. Grab some night stands too, and make sure it matches your head-board. DO NOT put a TV in your bedroom. So when that someone special is in there with you, there is only one way for her to pass the time.
Ok Greg, we are rounding third and heading home. The kitchen and bathroom are fairly simple. No need to go nuts, just make sure your shower is clean stocked with fresh towels and keep an un-opened toothbrush in your bathroom at all times.
The last step is art. Don’t put anything on your walls that can’t strike up a conversation. But don’t go to nuts because you don’t want to seem like an artsy jerk-off.
That should do it Greg, as long as you don’t make booger art on the walls next to your bed, you should be home free. Enjoy your man palace.
Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.
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