Posts tagged santa claus

Posted on Dec 23, 2009 by Lauren — Lifestyle / Who Remembers — No comments

WHO REMEMBERS?: FINDING YOUR HIDDEN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS!

Admit it, when you were little and knew there wasn’t really a huge fat man dressed in red delivering your presents during the night, you would snoop for your gifts! I grew up in an apartment and there wasn’t a lot of room for big boxes. The closet in my parents room wasn’t always closed, but during Christmas time, you bet your ass that door was closed. So much for being inconspicuous mom and dad.

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I couldn’t wait until the first chance I got to go snooping. It would usually be on the weekends when my dad was at work and my dad was at work. I study exactly how I was sitting before I got up to make sure I was in the same exact position when I got back into the living room so when my mom got out of the shower, she wouldn’t be suspicious.

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Even though I knew some of the gifts, I was still surprised. I loved Christmas when I was younger and it is still my favorite holiday. My mom is a world class wrapper, so if some of the presents I found were wrapped up, there was no way I could un-wrap them and wrap them back up without her noticing I messed with it. My friend Jen on the other hand:

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I asked some of my fellow DAPs members to share their stories with me. Jackie from JaneBlow (SexpertJaneBlow) told me: “I use to be the one that would find out what other people in my family wanted for Christmas and used to take me shopping with her. I found out when I was 6 that Santa  = Mom. I didn’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings or ruin it for the other kids in my family so it became a game to pretend he was real. I never had to go hunting because I knew where all the presents were hidden. The only place big enough to fit all the presents in my house were in the attic or my mom’s walk-in closet. Call me crazy, but I liked being surprised so I didn’t snoop. I always made VERY specific letters to Santa, the she still insists to this day, so when she went to the stores without me she could find anything on my top ten.”

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My friend Jennifer Hope told me, “My mom used to hide all our Christmas presents in the closet. One year when I found the stash, I asked her why all of those were there. She told me that Santa has so many presents for all the good boys and girls, so they won’t get mixed up in his sleigh, he asks the children’s parents to keep them safe for him. The big bag that Santa carries around is filled with wrapping paper so he can wrap the gifts when he get to the houses. After all that wrapping, Santa needs a snack, so that’s why we leave him cookies and milk. Let’s just say I believed her until January when I found my birthday presents in the same spot. She had no answer for that one.”

Do you have any experiences like this? Share them here with us at DAPS!

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Posted on Dec 19, 2008 by MightyVin — Bizarre / Humor / Vin's F***ing Uncensored Blog — 3 comments

Santa Claus: 1923 – 2008

RIP Mr. Claus

This past Sunday, Santa Claus, the jubilant rotund hero to children everywhere, committed suicide inside his Bed-Stuy apartment complex at 4:26am in an apparent case of domestic violence gone awry.

Early Sunday morning, police were called to the scene of a domestic violence complaint made by one of Mr. Claus’ neighbors. The neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, told DAPS News “It was horrible; I kept telling my children to stop looking out the window in fear that Claus would spot them and turn his rage towards them.”

You may remember back in 1984, Mr. Claus, real name Santos Cristov, was arrested on charges of drug trafficking and aiding kingpin Oscar Zeta Ocosta across the Mexican border in a red sleigh; for which he served ten years in prison.

We learned from police on the scene that Claus had been drinking heavily after a night of debauchery at Rick’s Gentlemen Cabaret on 5th and Canarsie St. where witnesses reported witnessing Mr. Claus vomiting on a dancer and storming out after refusing to pay the owner for his rank behavior.

From there, Mr. Claus entered his home at 3:59am while neighbors reported hearing screams of terror emitting from the Claus apartment.

From information DAPS News was able to gather from police, we can report to you that when he entered the apartment, Santa Claus began to hallucinate; he then proceeded to drag his wife out of bed and slit her throat with a steak knife.

It was then when concerned neighbors called the police. When they arrived, Mr. Claus had his wife’s lifeless body stuffed inside of a trash bag. Because he was still hallucinating, he held a gun to the bag and warned police that he would shoot her if they made any wrong moves. The police, assuming that Mrs. Claus was still, in fact, alive, acted quickly and proceeded to shoot the gun out of Mr. Claus’ hand.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear, but a second gun swiftly plucked by Mr. Claus out of his pocket. With that, the police watched in horror as Mr. Claus uttered ”Sic semper tyrannis.” before placing the gun into his mouth and pulling the trigger.

Mr. Claus is survived by his eight children; upon their request, Mr. Claus will have his brain cryogenically frozen as to one day be able to see children while they are sleeping again.

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