Kick Ass 8-bit (Nintendo Style) Christmas Album.

Remember back when your nintendo (or atari if you’re an old fart) was your only friend? In those days, music was a simpler thing. 8 bit masterpieces let you know if Mario was underwater or if you were about to lose your Tetris marathon.

If only there were a full length Christmas album inspired by that amazing style.

OH SHIT THERE IS!!

I like to imagine this is the soundtrack to an old nintendo game where Santa Claus sidescrolls through wintery levels in a mission to save baby Jesus from some evil wise men. That’s neither here nor there.

If you like chiptunes or old video games, you won’t want to miss Rush Coil’s 8-Bit Christmas, an album of holiday music inspired by the golden age of video game music.You can stream the entire album online. Don’t miss the 8-bit Deck The Halls.

There’s no plan for a CD release, but Rush Coil says “I will be offering a digital download of high quality music files soon with some bonus material, commentary, as well as additional music.” (Via Synthopia)

Want to sample the sounds? Click over to 8bitChristmas.com where Rush Coil have made all of our dreams come true!

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to the DAPS MEGAFEED!!. Thanks for visiting!

PMS of the Month: Families

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. Which is fine I guess when you are a caveman fighting for survival everyday. If thats the case, then it’s good to run with a clan. But now-a-days I can buy my food, sleep in my own bed, and clean myself like a big boy. Why keep that clan mentality? Because it’s your family, stupid.

You know the old story, kids wants to be an astronaut, but his family wants him to take over the old “family business” whatever that make be. Shoemakers are shoe makers, Robinsons are thieves, and  so on and so forth. The would be astronaut has two options, do what he wants to be happy, or fall in line with the rest of the clan. The latter is where the story ends for a lot of people. No questions are asked, no one says boo. But to pursue happiness, THAT’s where all the trouble beings.

I understand that some families are good, and some families are bad, and most families are somewhere in between. But the thing that almost everyone forgets is that families are groups of individuals. Key word: INDIVIDUALS. At this time of the year, we can all be thankful for our families. They give us that safe “home base” to go back to when the year is at it’s most hectic, BUT what if they are the ones making it hectic?

Now I use the scope of families, but this really applies to all groups or clans. When one person reaches to do more than the clan is able to assist with, the clan gets scared, defensive, and often, offensive. The astronaut will be shot down at any chance. USUALLY.

Even in the most positive, and supportive family, there are always those who are not. this is why the holidays are so important. It’s a common ground where all clan members can get together, share a meal, or a few drinks, and not worry about making shoes, or flying to the moon. Unless of course someone didn’t make enough shoes to buy a better gift than their brother, uncle, cousin whomever. Shit can get hairy. Also, passive aggressive.

We all love our family, but if you could pick our family, how many of us would have ever even met those in our clan? Likely, very few. Now to get to my point.

Since we are unable to to choose those in our family, why bother with the silly familial problems? We are all on the same boat, lets all roll together. Let’s understand each individual, and support and love them because we didn’t chose them, we inherited them. That is something special that we should all understand.

HAPPY WINTER SOLSTICE!

Hey everyone, it’s the winter solstice. If ya don’t know now what that means I will tell you (in a non-angry toward religion way) The winter solstice is the shortest day of the year (longest night). It usually occurs on either the 21 of dec or 22. This year it was the 21st. When winter comes our days get shorter our nights get longer and it get colder. On the winter solstice the sun is at its lowest point in the sky (perceptibly) It goes down to it’s lowest point then stays there for 3 days (where we get the Easter story) then rises a degree in the sky on either the 24th or 25th. The sun rising is a sign of the new warmth of a new year.This is why we celebrate it. What’s interesting is that jesus’ birth and his death are both symbols of the same holiday. Well that’s enough history for today. Everyone enjoy whatever holiday your celebrating and be good one another. I leave you with a video of my favorite christmas song. BYE!

THE HOLIDAY SEASON: NOT JUST FOR JESUS FREAKS AND JEWS ANYMORE!

Greetings Valtrex Users,

Every year we sing Santa Claus songs and cause fire hazards in our homes by bringing in dead trees, and strapping electric wiring to them, but in this new age where people can choose what they want to celebrate without being burned at the stake I will explore some of these new exciting holidays as well as some old, less modern ones.

I’ll start with Christmas.

As everyone knows, Christmas was started by the time traveling CEO of Wal-Mart. This clever pawn of pure evil took Criss Angel and transported him back in time, forcing him to accomplish great feats. You know him as Jesus Christ!

THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY! and if you read the book of Matthew it says: ” And as I looked downeth at mine goblet, Jesus smiled and said, ‘ Matthew is the aceth of clubs the card you choseth?’. We all rejoiced and kneweth that was the deck of the lord.”

I won’t go into it, but you can deduce how Wal-Mart is now a super power of the world. So now you know if you shop there you are a devil worshiper because they used Criss Angel’s clone as a pawn to create a holiday for corporate America to cash in on. I’m sorry Criss…it’s true. And another thing…Why do they call it “X-Mas”. This must mean that Christmas has it’s roots in something negative. “XXX” means Porn. The symbol for a wrong answer on Family Feud is “X”, When you broke up with that bitch who sucked your brother off last thanksgiving, you call that two timing whore your “Ex”. That drug you did that fried your brain so bad you can’t zip your own pants is called EX-tasy. See, need I say more.

The Next holiday is Hanukkah.

This Hanukkah is sponsored by…He-Brew, The Chosen Beer…This Hannukah, He-Brew reminds you to drink responsibly and L’Chaim to Life! Now back to your regularly scheduled blog.

Hannukah is called the festival of lights. Instead of one day of presents, you get 8 crazy nights. Haha but seriously, this holiday is celebrated by “The Jews” who are mainly located in Israel and Los Angeles. This holiday is comprised of a candle with 9 spots. Each representing the days of the week. I think the extra spot is a sick day holder. If you’re too sick to celebrate you light that candle so god knows you didn’t just ditch out on Hanukkah, you had a reason. Many celebrities are Jewish. There’s Bobby Brown, Yoda, George Takay, Andy Dick, Oprah, Mel Brooks, the color blue, and of course…Adam Sandler. You get one gift everyday for 8 days which doesn’t sound too bad, but on Christmas you get them all in bulk on one day so Jesus’ Birthday wins this one.

Now that we’re done with these old and frankly “Not so fun” holidays I move on to some newcomers that are really making their mark on society.

Kwanzaa

Now, I may be wrong, but according to my sources Kwanzaa was created by Miss Cleo as seen in this promotional photo. This seems to be an amalgam of Hanukkah and thanksgiving, and if my mastery of photo explanation serves me correctly, I’d say that Miss Cleo is displaying the amount of money you must pay to eat Kwanzaa dinner with her. If you want to be modern sometimes money must be spent so to all those who celebrate this great, new holiday…

The final holiday is one that is very near and dear to my own heart.

THE WINTER SOLSTICE OF HOLICRON NEXUS PRIME!

Now this is a very special holiday. I am not a Scientologist as some might believe. I am from a church that has branched off called “The Church of Xenu Hubbard and Latter Day Alien Warlords”. We are a very calm, collected people who wish for nothing more than peace on HOLICRON NEXUS PRIME (Earth) and death for all those who oppose the overlord and life-giver Xenu. Sure, after we have reached the highest levels of enlightenment we are granted the gifts of flight, telepathy and telekinesis, and all you guys do is eat wafers, drink wine and light candles every week, but we are just people like you…you and you. ALL HAIL THE SUPREME OVERLORD OF HOLICRON NEXUS PRIME! And happy holidays from my family to yours! Oh and please, no making fun. You have people like Sandler, Cleo, and Mel Gibson. We have Tom Cruise and Travolta. Boom.

Love always,
Sham TM

Santa Claus: 1923 – 2008

This past Sunday, Santa Claus, the jubilant rotund hero to children everywhere, committed suicide inside his Bed-Stuy apartment complex at 4:26am in an apparent case of domestic violence gone awry.

Early Sunday morning, police were called to the scene of a domestic violence complaint made by one of Mr. Claus’ neighbors. The neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, told DAPS News “It was horrible; I kept telling my children to stop looking out the window in fear that Claus would spot them and turn his rage towards them.”

You may remember back in 1984, Mr. Claus, real name Santos Cristov, was arrested on charges of drug trafficking and aiding kingpin Oscar Zeta Ocosta across the Mexican border in a red sleigh; for which he served ten years in prison.

We learned from police on the scene that Claus had been drinking heavily after a night of debauchery at Rick’s Gentlemen Cabaret on 5th and Canarsie St. where witnesses reported witnessing Mr. Claus vomiting on a dancer and storming out after refusing to pay the owner for his rank behavior.

From there, Mr. Claus entered his home at 3:59am while neighbors reported hearing screams of terror emitting from the Claus apartment.

From information DAPS News was able to gather from police, we can report to you that when he entered the apartment, Santa Claus began to hallucinate; he then proceeded to drag his wife out of bed and slit her throat with a steak knife.

It was then when concerned neighbors called the police. When they arrived, Mr. Claus had his wife’s lifeless body stuffed inside of a trash bag. Because he was still hallucinating, he held a gun to the bag and warned police that he would shoot her if they made any wrong moves. The police, assuming that Mrs. Claus was still, in fact, alive, acted quickly and proceeded to shoot the gun out of Mr. Claus’ hand.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear, but a second gun swiftly plucked by Mr. Claus out of his pocket. With that, the police watched in horror as Mr. Claus uttered ”Sic semper tyrannis.” before placing the gun into his mouth and pulling the trigger.

Mr. Claus is survived by his eight children; upon their request, Mr. Claus will have his brain cryogenically frozen as to one day be able to see children while they are sleeping again.

Christmas Confection Round-Up…

Some of my personal favorites in the medium of Christmas novelty confections.

Candy Canes:

I’m fairly neutral when it comes to candy canes: they’re good, but I’m not going to go out of my way to acquire them. Also, the candy cane business has become ineptly over saturated as of late. It seems as if every brand of candy, from Hersheys to Skittles, has to insert their own take on this classic treat. My advice? It’s called a classic for a reason; keep your eyes and ears on your own investments and stop trying to fuck with tradition.

Holiday Milk:

Yes, there is really such a product. No, it’s not egg nog. It is, in fact, milk with peppermint flavoring mixed in. Why someone would want to drink this, I have no idea. If shit like peppermint holiday milk is allowed to exist, then surely there is still hope that someone will buy my idea for Atheist Winter Solstice soda (the hook is there’s no aftertaste).

Gingerbread House Kits:

Buying a gingerbread house kit is very much comparable to buying furniture from Ikea; you’ll bring it home and ogle it for a while, then you’ll crack it open and have a go at it, then you’ll fail miserably and revert to squeezing the frosting down your throat while popping gumdrops. After all of that, you will throw out the excess gingerbread and never speak of this ordeal again.

Marzipan:

Marzipan is a material made from sugar and almond meal that can be molded into different shapes and is most-commonly available during the holidays as a more-healthy alternative to candy. You can take your marzipan and shove it. This is Christmas dammit. If kids want to eat candy, then they are looking to eat candy; not some poor substitute made of almond paste and molded into a candy cane just to try and pull some cheap ruse over on kids just so that their parents can be happy knowing that they are eating healthier. Go on, marzipan. Take your almond pastes and color dyes and march your bitter-sweet Neo-Nazi ass right back to Germany.

Carlo’s Craft Corner: Christmas Tree Star

ok, download THIS FILE

cut out the picture

KEEP the bottom strip in tact so you can staple them to the bottom/back of jesus.

PUT HIM ON YOUR TREE!!!

WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER

I was driving yesterday and I didn’t have my iPod with me, so I was listening to old fashioned terrestrial radio, and I hear what has to be the WORST Christmas song EVER, and the WORST sequel to a song ever.

Here’s the original you know and love:

Here’s the godawful sequel (with some weird footage):

Happy late Easter! Dumb people

Happy Easter! Listen to this guy.

Tame Saint Patrick’s Day

Greetings Valtrex users,

I’d like to start this with congratulating the creators of this show, on the masterpiece “Geppetophile”. I havn’t laughed like that in a very long time. It’s funny how child molestation is so taboo, but if you change the child into a famous children’s movie wooden doll, it becomes top notch comedy. Check it out if you havn’t already. At first it’ll probably hurt a little, but if you just ease it in, it will start to feel good. So make sure to check out anal se…I mean “Gepettophile”, coming to the Lifetime disney channel in spring 2008.

Now this St. Patty’s day was pretty tame, for my standards. There were only 3 fights, only one family member was maimed beyond recognition, and there were approximately 4 bottles of Jameson consumed by my mother. Now I’m proud she slowed down don’t get me wrong, but I was always so proud how my mom would funnel whiskey, then attack my father for getting her pregnant with her bastard child (me). I swelled with great pride as my brother and cousins would beat people with potatoes and cabbage and ran around with their pants off screaming “theres a potato famine in my pants!” Now I’m always up for taking it easy sometimes, but not on fuckin St. patty’s day. We are supposed to rock out with our cocks out, we are supposed to be the haters who love potaters (that was amazing, off the cuff) but no, this was like St. Patty’s day if you’re not Irish, but you wear your dad’s Jets jersey becuase the only green thing you have is teeth, and then you tell an Irish person “some irishman you are, you’re not wearing any green…I am and I’m not even Irish.” Well I say to you, FUCK YOU!

It’s not like I just river danced off the fucking boat from dublin you inbred jackass, and secondly, look at the freckles on me face and the freckles on me liver, and you’ll know how oyrish oy really am. And to the person who said that to me. You know who you are. And about your sister, yes, and it was with a jack daniel’s bottle…

Until next time,
This is Shaazam saying:
Erin Go Deez Nutz!

AAAAYYYYYYYYYEEE fuggin aveashot!

IstSaent Pactrixdayl. Shlanetee! Aye! whare are you gooin? Didit I just meeet you? Weareyoufrom? ahhh fuggoff…fuggin bich.Is 2 inee aftanoon an imareddy ripped. WHOOOO!! saent patricksday! ill fite anyfuggin Britichfuk in ere fuggin priks. FAGGOT fuks.

The McGyptian Blog! – Pre-St. Patty’s Day Edition

Greetings Valtrex users,

St. Patricks Day is just around the corner and I’d like you get into some of the history, tradition, and myth surrounding this holiest of all holidays. Now, being Irish and Egyptian, I celebrate St. Patricks day and St. Tutankhamens day concurrently, as not to cause any holy wars in my home. Most people see SPD as a day to get drunk, fornicate, and maybe even projectile vomit on a group of tourists, but we all forget the real history. St. Patty’s day is celebrated widely as both a christian and egyptian holiday. As seen in the unreleased STARGATE: THE MCGYPTIAN HYBRID BUSTED CONDOM CHORONICLES.” St. Patty’s day was the day aliens came down and gave Patrick a transformation ray. Patrick used this ray to turn all the snakes into whiskey. Time went on and Patrick had a son with the alien’s daughter named Tom. Tom lived far and away until he spread his knuckle children across seas and the rest is history as they say. So before you go and tell your friends fancy stories about St. Patty’s day, remember, if you’re irish, they’re watching. Now you know why “Walk like an egyptian” tops “Danny Boy” as the most listened to song on SPD. Don’t thank me…thank the drunken sexual escapades of my parents.

You all have a safe and Happy St. Patrick’s Day,

Love always, or until I impregnate your girlfriend,

Sham The McGyptian

NOTE: all facts in this blog are entirely fabricated…and by fabricated I mean documented on titanium alloy tablets in a bunker in los angeles…I might already be dead.