Sham the McGyptian’s Guide to the Bloodiest, drunkest, Most Fun-Filled St. Patrick’s Day EVER! - I am giving you tips on how to have a guaranteed kick-ass time on St. Patricks Day, or a kick-ass time in prison.

Greetings Valtrex Users,

As you can see from my call sign, I am Irish. Not 100% Irish, but a handsome, seabiscuit-like endowed half egyptian, half irish hybrid. With this Irish DNA coursing through my vas deferens, I am automatically qualified to give you tips on having a fun St. Patricks day, and as it were, I can also give you an in depth analysis of the transvestite culture in ancient Egypt, but I digress.

St. Patricks day is all about the three B’s.… Beer, Bitches, & Blunt force trauma

BEER

Beer is an integral part of the St. Patty’s day tradition. Heavy intoxication is encouraged as well as celebrated. If you are in Manhattan and you feel the need to piss in public, go ahead, it’s St. Patty’s day and the police understand that. Any kind of beer is ok when you are celebrating SPD. Killians, Bud, Yuengling, and even that pussy beer Coors light are accepted. So get fucked up and begin your journey towards my next “B”.

BITCHES

If you follow the first "B" the girl on the right will begin to look like Bar Rafaeli

On SPD it is imperative that you chase them bitches. What is the point of St. Patty’s day if not to get plastered and dip your cobra into some drunk girls carnal treasure? Green beer is like girl’s “take off your panties and fuck me on a urinal” potion.  I promise you if you use phrases like “Oh, you have no Irish in you? Want some on your face?” you will score handsomely. Go get’em you drunken, Irish-for-the-day rapist.

The third and most crucial of the “B” family is

BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA

An Irishman giving his lady her "medicine".

Nothing says St. Patrick’s day like a good, old fashioned throw down. There are actually MANY ways to initiate fights with unsuspecting beer patrons like:

1. Grabbing the titty of a mans girlfriend

This is a sure-fire way of cracking skulls, or getting your own skull cracked respectively.

2. Pouring beer on a mans head.

Self explanatory.

3. Breaking a stool/bottle/chair/stroller over a mans back.

when executing this method stay away from the head, because you don’t wanna spend the next 25 St. Patrick’s days in a raping prison.

That’s all the wisdom I have for you this year, but now I must go out and make my own St. Patricks Day destiny, so have fun, be safe, and drink until your ass-ugly girlfriend is somewhat fuckable.

Love always,

SHAM The Mc-McGyptian.