Santa Claus: 1923 - 2008

This past Sunday, Santa Claus, the jubilant rotund hero to children everywhere, committed suicide inside his Bed-Stuy apartment complex at 4:26am in an apparent case of domestic violence gone awry.

December 19, 2008 by MightyVin
Filed under Bizarre, Humor, Vin's F***ing Uncensored Blog, Words

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This past Sunday, Santa Claus, the jubilant rotund hero to children everywhere, committed suicide inside his Bed-Stuy apartment complex at 4:26am in an apparent case of domestic violence gone awry.

Early Sunday morning, police were called to the scene of a domestic violence complaint made by one of Mr. Claus’ neighbors. The neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, told DAPS News “It was horrible; I kept telling my children to stop looking out the window in fear that Claus would spot them and turn his rage towards them.”

You may remember back in 1984, Mr. Claus, real name Santos Cristov, was arrested on charges of drug trafficking and aiding kingpin Oscar Zeta Ocosta across the Mexican border in a red sleigh; for which he served ten years in prison.

We learned from police on the scene that Claus had been drinking heavily after a night of debauchery at Rick’s Gentlemen Cabaret on 5th and Canarsie St. where witnesses reported witnessing Mr. Claus vomiting on a dancer and storming out after refusing to pay the owner for his rank behavior.

From there, Mr. Claus entered his home at 3:59am while neighbors reported hearing screams of terror emitting from the Claus apartment.

From information DAPS News was able to gather from police, we can report to you that when he entered the apartment, Santa Claus began to hallucinate; he then proceeded to drag his wife out of bed and slit her throat with a steak knife.

It was then when concerned neighbors called the police. When they arrived, Mr. Claus had his wife’s lifeless body stuffed inside of a trash bag. Because he was still hallucinating, he held a gun to the bag and warned police that he would shoot her if they made any wrong moves. The police, assuming that Mrs. Claus was still, in fact, alive, acted quickly and proceeded to shoot the gun out of Mr. Claus’ hand.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear, but a second gun swiftly plucked by Mr. Claus out of his pocket. With that, the police watched in horror as Mr. Claus uttered ”Sic semper tyrannis.” before placing the gun into his mouth and pulling the trigger.

Mr. Claus is survived by his eight children; upon their request, Mr. Claus will have his brain cryogenically frozen as to one day be able to see children while they are sleeping again.