Super Bowl 46 is this Sunday. The Giants and the Patriots will square off in a rematch of the most watched Super Bowl in history. After writing 331 different posts about the NFL this year we’d be remiss if we didn’t preview the Super Bowl for our loyal readers. Here’s everything you need to know in anticipation of the big game
Quarterback: Both teams have one.
Edge: Even
Freakishly Large Big Play Threat: The Patriots have Rob Gronkowski a 6’6 260 pound tight end who runs a 4’6 40, catches a record number of touchdowns and fucks porn stars. The Giants have Hakeem Nicks. Nicks is 6’2 with size 4XL hands who rips down Hail Mary passes like they are figs off a fig tree.
Edge: Giants, Nicks won’t be playing with a special cleat this week.
Diminutive wide receiver who complements and often overshadows the big play threat: The Giants Have Victor Cruz who is 6’0 foot 175 in cleats and full pads. He drives Giant fans insane with his occasional inability to hold onto the ball and his penchant for record breaking touchdowns. The Patriots have Wes Welker who is a smidgen over 5 feet tall and catches 100+ balls every year and moonlights as the team’s place kicker in emergencies.
Edge: Patriots, Welker is not going to drop the potential game winning pass, Cruz might.
Quarterback’s Wife: One is married to a Brazilian Super model who goes by one name. One is married to the prettiest girl from his high school. This perfectly illustrates the difference between real girl hot and celebrity hot.
Eli's wife
Edge: umm, seriously?
Coaches: One is a curmudgeonly 60 something year old former Bill Parcels disciple who makes faces during the game that express his displeasure with penalties and turnovers. The other is all of the above but also is a known cheater.
Edge: Patriots, cheating is an advantage.
Defensive Player Who is Scarier than Jason Voorhes: The Giants have Jason Piere-Paul who learned how to play football about 10 weeks ago, can do numerous backflips and hurts quarterbacks for a living. The Patriots have Vince Wilfork who moves faster than any 375 pound man should be able to. He can bench press a short bus and requires as many as 3 blockers at a time to keep him from blowing up plays in the backfield.
Edge: Giants, Piere-Paul has a frightening running mate in Justin Tuck. Two terrifying human beings are better than one, even a giant one.
Fan Bases: The Patriots have an overly confident, obnoxious fan base that has been spoiled by an unprecedented amount of success by the pro teams in their region. Giant fans have been hanging their hats on Super Bowl 42 for a long time now. They also get a boost this week, since they are playing the Patriots, every Jet fan will be rooting for them as well. Nobody in the New York/New Jersey area WON’T be rooting for Big Blue on Sunday. There’s something galvanizing about that.
Edge: Giants
Recent History: These two teams played 4 years ago, I’m not sure if you guys had heard. The Giants also won the team’s meeting this year 24-20, so they got that going for them which is nice.
Edge: Giants
Historical Significance of a Win: Both teams are going for their fourth Super Bowl title which would place them in a tie for 3rd all time with the Packers. A win gives Tom Brady four total, ties him for the most of all time and bolsters his case as the G.O.A.T. Another Super Bowl puts to end any question of Eli Manning’s “eliteness”. It gives him one more than his brother and leads to 800 columns this off season about who is the greater Manning.
Edge: Giants
Final Talley: Giants 4-3. Which is also my prediction for the game’s final score.
Gratuitous? perhaps.
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