Hey New Age Assholes: the world will not end. All those books you’re writing and reading are garbage. I cannot wait til December 22nd, 2012, the day after the world is supposedly ending, and see all those useless 2012 books in the trash. How can I be so cocky?
Doomsday predictions have never ever ever ever been right. Their accuracy track record is a big fat ZERO. Big props go out to thebizzare.com for providing me with this list:
Pat Robertson, 1982
In May 1980, televangelist and Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson startled and alarmed many when – contrary to Matthew 24:36 (”No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven…”) he informed his “700 Club” TV show audience around the world that he knew when the world would end. “I guarantee you by the end of 1982 there is going to be a judgment on the world,” Robertson said.
Heaven’s Gate, 1997
When comet Hale-Bopp appeared in 1997, rumors surfaced that an alien spacecraft was following the comet – covered up, of course, by NASA and the astronomical community. Though the claim was refuted by astronomers (and could be refuted by anyone with a good telescope), the rumors were publicized on Art Bell’s paranormal radio talk show “Coast to Coast AM.” These claims inspired a San Diego UFO cult named Heaven’s Gate to conclude that the world would end soon. The world did indeed end for 39 of the cult members, who committed suicide on March 26, 1997.
Nostradamus, August 1999
The heavily obfuscated and metaphorical writings of Michel de Nostrdame have intrigued people for over 400 years. His writings, the accuracy of which relies heavily upon very flexible interpretations, have been translated and re-translated in dozens of different versions. One of the most famous quatrains read, “The year 1999, seventh month / From the sky will come great king of terror.” Many Nostradamus devotees grew concerned that this was the famed prognosticator’s vision of Armageddon.
Y2K, Jan. 1, 2000
As the last century drew to a close, many people grew concerned that computers might bring about doomsday. The problem, first noted in the early 1970s, was that many computers would not be able to tell the difference between 2000 and 1900 dates. No one was really sure what that would do, but many suggested catastrophic problems ranging from vast blackouts to nuclear holocaust. Gun sales jumped and survivalists prepared to live in bunkers, but the new millennium began with only a few glitches.
May 5, 2000
In case the Y2K bug didn’t do us in, global catastrophe was assured by Richard Noone, author of the 1997 book “5/5/2000 Ice: the Ultimate Disaster.” According to Noone, the Antarctic ice mass would be three miles thick by May 5, 2000 – a date in which the planets would be aligned in the heavens, somehow resulting in a global icy death (or at least a lot of book sales). Perhaps global warming kept the ice age at bay.
God’s Church Ministry, Fall 2008
According to God’s Church minister Ronald Weinland, the end times are upon us– again. His 2006 book “2008: God’s Final Witness” states that hundreds of millions of people will die, and by the end of 2006, “there will be a maximum time of two years remaining before the world will be plunged into the worst time of all human history. By the fall of 2008, the United States will have collapsed as a world power, and no longer exist as an independent nation.” As the book notes, “Ronald Weinland places his reputation on the line as the end-time prophet of God.”
ahahhahahahahahahaha. Fall 2008 came and went without the world ending. Thanks for nothing God’s Church Ministry.
It’s getting so bad out there that NASA had to release a 2012 : Frequently Asked Questions. That’s a new low America.
Questions include:
Is there a planet or brown dwarf called Nibiru or Planet X or Eris that is approaching the Earth and threatening our planet with widespread destruction?
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
If you ever meet a NASA Scientist or any Scientist for that matter please please don’t ask about a planet “Nibiru” or “X” or “Eris”. I’m trying to save you the embarrassment of having someone smarter than you laugh right in your face.
You want to know the truth? The Mayans are dicks for starting all this fuss about nothing. Sigh FUCKIN’ MAYANS.
Tags: 2012, Doomsday, local sluts, Mayans, nasa, New Age
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OMFG I went to staples and COULDN’T FIND A 2011 CALENDAR. WHAT IF THE MAYANS WERE WRONG???
Hey DICKFACE….. NASA doesn’t know shit about zombies!