mike’s ten: murder.

Mike’s in trouble this time. He’s been arrested and brought downtown. It seems he was found with two dead hookers in his trunk. What will happen?!

Scene- police station. An overweight detective (Jones) with a mustache is walking to the interrogation room; he’s got a cup of coffee, a stain on his shirt and looks older than he is, like a man who’s seen a lot of shit.
He approaches a young officer (Stevens) outside of the interrogation room.

Jones: What do we have?
Stevens: Sick fuck, Mike Bongiorno, age 24. Pulled him over for speeding, acting crazy, probable cause to search the car.
Jones: And we found?
Stevens: Two bodies in the trunk. Both local hookers.
Jones: So this sick son-ova-bitch Bongiorno likes to kill hookers huh? He confess yet, or does he need a little coaxing?
Stevens: He hasn’t confessed, he think he’s some sorta comedian, works for some shitty website no one’s ever heard of.
Jones: What’s it called?
Stevens: Dog and pony show dot com.
(Stevens looks at his paper work)
Stevens: No wait it’s dog and pony show website dot com.
Jones: Great name. So if he’s not confessing what’s this funny guy’s story?
Stevens: That’s the thing, his story keeps changing. It’s like he’s got ten different versions of the encounter with the hookers.
Jones: He’s fucking with us. I’m going in.
(Jones takes off his coat, and his badge)
Stevens: No! Jones you put that badge back on!
Jones: This sick fuck Mike Bongiorno is about to have a real bad day.

Number 1: A friendly ride

So I was driving down the street on my way to church. Because I love Jesus. And I saw two lovely women standing on a corner. It was cold outside. So I offered them a ride. It was just a friendly gesture. The problem was my backseat was all filled with junk so I had no room. So I put them in the trunk. I don’t know how they got all dead and stuff.

Number 2: Assassins

Those two girls were sent to kill me. I was in my bed sleeping. There was a knock at my door. It was those girls, I won’t lie; I found them both very attractive. Before I could even invite them in, there was a gun in my face. The shot was fired; I ducked under the bullet with cat-like agility. Roundhouse kicked the first girl in the face; I didn’t know my own strength, her neck snapped like a pencil. Any harder and her head would’ve come clean off. The second girl ran, but her fear was so strong I could taste it. She ran and climbed a tree outside my house; I started to climb up after her. She saw me coming and tried to knock me down by throwing coconuts at me. I caught a coconut with my foot then threw it at her face hacky-sack style. The blow must’ve killed her because by the time her body hit the ground she was already dead.

Number 3: Not my car

Officer that car isn’t mine. I mean okay it is, but it wasn’t until very recently. Yesterday morning my mom sent me into town to sell our cow. I went into town to sell it but the man at the livestock pawnshop said old Bessie was only worth fifteen dollars, way less than Mom had expected. As I stepped outside to ponder my decision, an old man approached me. He said he’d happily take my cow in trade for some magic beans. He told me the beans would bring great wealth. I made the trade, went home and planted them. The next day from the beans a car had grown out. I was unaware though that the truck was full of dead prostitutes.

Number 4: They’re just hookers

Come on guys, let me go. It’s not like they’re real people. They’re just hookers. They’ve got no souls.

Number 5: Zombies

Look the reason I had those two girls in my trunk is simple. They’re zombies. I was drinking alone in a cemetery, my usual Sunday night, and I saw these two girls actually rise out of their graves. It took about 45 minutes, because the dirt is thick and zombies don’t have much muscle mass. It was kinda funny, until they finally got out. Then I had to kick their asses. I beat them down with a near by shovel. Then put them in my trunk. I was going to burn them someplace safe.

Number 6: Killed each other

Okay, yes I did hire them as prostitutes. I am a man who likes whores what can I say? I was in bed with these two girls when things got a little crazy; they started fighting over my penis. At first it was hot, but then it got too real. Each claimed ownership over my massive manhood. I told them there was enough to go around but they didn’t listen. The fighting got more and more intense, and before I knew it, they were both gone…this…this isn’t the first time my extremely huge penis has lead to squabbles of jealousy, but this is the first time any one ever died from it. OH GOD! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN MY WITH THIS OVERSIZED MONSTER SHWEEN!?

Number 7: Bribery

Listen guy; let’s forget this whole thing. I’m a very important man. I can help you. How would you like your own reoccurring column on dogandponyshowwebsitedotcom?…Okay stop laughing…you can stop laughing now. STOP LAUGHING!

Number 8: Terrorists

I was in a Starbucks, enjoying some burnt black coffee and reading a vanity fair, when these two gorgeous women sat next to me. At first I was eavesdropping on their conversation just for fun, but then their topic got serious. They took out laptops, which was my first indication something was up, because we all know, hot chicks can’t read. Soon the their convo was about bombs, and planes and even high ranked officials. I had no time to call homeland security so I took things into my own hands. I had to rape and kill them…ugh…I mean I had to kill them.

Number 9: More Bribery

Let me out of here and I’ll suck yo dick!

Number 10: Aliens

All right. You want the real truth? Here it is. Those girls are not girls. They are aliens from another planet. They’ve come to Earth. For one reason. Ass-rape. That’s right. They’ve come to our humble planet to ass-rape as many people as possible. I’m the only one who knows the truth. I’ve got these sunglasses if you put them on you’ll see them for their true selves.
(Mike tries to make detective Jones put on the sunglasses but he won’t. They proceed to have a 15-minute fight about it. Jones never gives in. Mike exhausted tries to demonstrate.) Mike: See look no big deal, just put them on. (Mike is shocked; with the glasses on he can clearly see that detective Jones is an alien!) Mike: You! Jones: Clever boy! Give you’re self a pat on the back. Better yet I’ll pat your back. When I’m ass raping you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. BOOOM! (there is a gun blast) (Jones falls to the floor dead. Behind him we see officer Stevens.) Mike: Officer Stevens! You knew? Stevens: Actually it’s special agent Stevens. I’ve known for months. Thank you Mike Bongiorno. Without you none of this would have been possible. By the way I’m a big fan or yours. Mike: Really? Do you even read “20s wasteland?” Stevens: ugh…sure.

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