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So the other day I get stuck having to go to a funeral. BORING. I’m sitting there in the back row listening to this crybaby giving a eulogy, going on and on about his “wife” and how much he loved his “sweet angel” and how he’ll never forget the “mother of his children” and it gets me thinking. Crybaby loves his dead wife, but what do I love? Just then my phone rang. It was one of my DAPS friends asking if I wanted to come smoke. At that moment it became so clear, I love weed. Pot. Reefer. What-have-you.

I love weed so much I can think of ten things I love about it…

Number 1: Rebel Without Balls

Smoking weed makes the smoker feel like he’s a bad ass. “Yeah I do drugs, what of it? I’m a rebel.” But offer the pothead anything other than weed and his conservative nature will truly come out. Real drugs like cocaine and heroine terrify pot heads. The pothead’s reaction to cocaine is similar to Frankenstein’s reaction to fire, or the troll from “Ernest scared stupid’s” reaction to miak and a mother’s love. We’re just happy smoking weed; the only drug you can’t overdose on.

Number 2: Instant Deadhead

I don’t really like the music of the grateful dead, or phish or whoever it’s cool for smokers to like. But the minute I smoke, I’m suddenly an expert in all things grateful dead. I’m talking about “American Beauty” or “American Reality” if you want to call it that. I’m discussing height Ashbury and how I wished I lived there in ‘69.  Totally just running my mouth off ‘cause I’m stoned, in reality my favorite contribution they’ve given to the word is Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.

Number 3: Munchies

I don’t know exactly where munchies come from, some say it’s the THC making your blood sugar drop, others tell me its actually the weed speeding up your metabolism making you hungry, but either way munchies are fun. You get super hungry, but it’s more than that, you want to taste something, feel something in your mouth. Like a tit. You wanna savor something, enjoy it slowly. You often get a crazy craving and feel you won’t be right again until it’s quelled. This craving is often for something extremely unhealthy like White Castle, Checkers, Chiken and rice, or even the dreaded “fat Beach” from the Rutgers. One time while stoned, and I feel bad admitting this…I had a baby-sandwich. Don’t judge I feel bad about it enough. My nightmares are still haunted by the taste of tears and ketchup.

Number 4: Giggling

When you’re high everything seems funny. I even enjoy Ben Stiller movies while on pot! I saw  “The Heartbreak kid” on two blunts and was laughing hysterically like I was watching “Blazing Saddles.” The giggles while high are very similar to when you’d get the giggles as a little kid at a sleepover, you just start, then someone else starts, then it keeps going, then you are both laughing because of the fact you can’t stop laughing. You become a self replenishing giggling machine. If only us liberals could find a way to use giggle power in cars instead of gasoline….You may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one.

Number 5: Jason Bourne

While high you can slip into paranoia, a common side effect of weed. This is what I like to call the “Jason Bourne” effect, it’s when you think everyone can be/is a cop; and that they are out to get you! You become terribly keen and cunning, knowing what streets are safe and what aren’t. You travel the world cool and calm, not calling attention to yourself, but at a moments notice you are ready to escape up a tree or over a rooftop.

Number 6: The scent of bud

I love the smell of weed. It’s peppery and potent. You know you have good weed if you can smell it even when the bag is closed. Sometimes if the shit is really strong the smell lingers in your house/car/bathroom/crawlspace/what-have-you, it’s beautiful yet incriminating. Another fun occurrence is when you smell it outside and your spidey-sense kicks into high gear, ‘cause you know someone around is smoking the doobs.

Number 7: Can’t string thoughts together.

When you’re high it’s hard to concentrate, there was this one time I was high and talking to this biker guy, or maybe he was more of a cowboy guy, he had on a lot of denim he kind of looked like Sam Elliot you know the guy from “Ghost Rider” he was also in “Road House” with Patrick by the way is he doing okay? Wasn’t he dieing like three weeks ago? Is he dead yet? Either way he’s an underrated actor he was brilliant in “Donnie Darko” but then again so was everyone else especially Maggie Gyllenhaal who was also good in “Secretary” which is a movie I have definitely masturbated too which isn’t too bad I once wanked it to “Blue Velvet”…yep.

Number 8: Genres

There are many different kinds of weed, weed grown out side, inside, under water. Sticky weed, dry weed, hairy weed. Then there are lots of different weed strains, classifications for weeds like train-wreck, jack, Frankenstein, bubblegum…so on and so on. The craziest strain is something I found in Brazil, it’s called ass-rape. Smoke that shit and it’ll make your draws bloody…for rizzle.

Number 9: Pumping iron.

A lot of people think of potheads as being very sedentary, but a lot of us love to exercise. I often like to smoke then go for a jog…is that illegal…hmm. Anyways there are lots of healthy things you can do on the pot. My friend who practices martial arts like to smoke first and imagine make-believe people all over while he’s training. Only two people have died this way so far…which is better than expected really.

Number 10: High philosophy

God, love, history, sex, even Alien life forms begin to make total perfect sense to you when you smoke. Weed lifts you up off your feet and into the heavens of knowledge and understanding. Why just last night I smoked with some other DAPSites and we got into a conversation about pornography and the state of pornography today, I’m telling you if you were to read our conversation in text form you would assume it was a master’s thesis. Although I don’t know what college or university offers degrees in Porn….do you?

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