Today at work a coworker asked me the following;
“Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?”
I didn’t give a clear cut answer because I couldn’t decide. I’ve resolved to work this problem out though. I will do so with something I’d like to call Imaginary Conversations.
The premise is simple. I, Carlo, will imaginate a typical conversation between both Jennifer Aniston and myself and Angelina Jolie and myself. Let’s begin.
Carlo: Jenny Baby I’m home.
Jennifer Aniston: Hey pookie. Guess what?
Carlo: What?
Jennifer Aniston: No way jose, you have to guess!
Carlo: Could you please provide some context as to what I am blindly guessing at?
Jennifer Aniston: Oh, you’re no fun! I’ll give you a hint, It’s on top of my head.
Carlo: You bought a new hat?
Jennifer Aniston: Noooooooo.
Carlo: You bought me a hat?
Jennifer Aniston: Nuh uhhhhhhhh.
Carlo: Is there a hat involved?
Jennifer Aniston: Maaaaaaayyyyybe.
Carlo: Well, is there?
Jennifer Aniston: Nope.
Carlo: So why would you say maybe?
Jennifer Aniston: I dunnnnooooooooooooo.
Carlo: So you said something without knowing what you said?
Jennifer Aniston: I guess sooooo.
Carlo: You guess? Either you did or you didn’t. You do really expect me to believe that you go around NOT making conscious decisions about things?
Jennifer Aniston: Nooooo.
Carlo: So what are you saying?
Jennifer Aniston: I dunnnooooooooooooo.
Carlo: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded?
Jennifer Aniston: Why did you call me retarded? You’re such a jerk. You’re an asshole!
Carlo: Did you get a haircut?
Jennifer Aniston: Yeah! You guessed it! And it only took three tries! You’re the best Carlo!
::Jennifer Aniston begins to grab Carlo’s “weiner” and is all like
“oh yeah big daddy, wont you take me…” she pauses.
“…to Funkytown?” Carlo, feeling obligated to show the lady a good time, immediately went on to the internet to book tickets. Amazingly, the entire process (emailing out of work, buying bus tickets, and booking a hotel) took 5 minutes, long enough to tease Jennifer Aniston enough so he could skip foreplay. So they banged a bunch and left the next morning for a nice weekend in Funkytown.::
Seriously? Seriously!?! Get real. I couldn’t live with that shit all the time! Fucking going away all the time? WTF??? I don’t care how many times you kissed Matthew McConaughey.!
Carlo: Angelina I’m home!
Angelina Jolie: Thank Braglah you are. Carlo, we need another kid. I think maybe a PR or somethin’.
Carlo: What? Didn’t we just have triplets? Don’t you have like 35 kids? WTF do you need another fucking kid for.
Angelina Jolie: I’m running out of blood.
Carlo: What!!??
Angelina Jolie: I said, “I’m running out of blood.”
Carlo: What!!??
Angelina Jolie: I need the blood of children to live. If I don’t have 3 cups of Child Blood a day, I turn into a hell beast and will usher in Satan’s Army to unleash the true wrath of God!
Carlo: What!!??
Angelina Jolie: I’ve drained each child to near the point of death. Admittedly, I went a little blood-happy, and splurged last week, but I have like 2 asian boys who can last me a week. The next group to be ready is 3 weeks after that. And that’s pushing it. If I get one hispanic baby, It’ll last me 2 weeks, giving the asians enough time to recoup. I use them for the last week, until I have a surplus again. We need another kid.
Carlo: What!!??
Angelina Jolie: Okay, I’ll get on the phone with Gianna, she’ll write a few emails. We’ll hear from her in three days.
Carlo: Wait, start again?
Angelina Jolie: I called my brother over to make out. Is that cool?
Carlo: Sure.
Angelina Jolie: Sweet.
::Carlo goes into his room, and changes out of his work clothes into some sweats. Angelina calls Gianna and arranges a special occasion at Chancelor Thesmond’s Mansion.
“They’ll be wonderful butterflies all about us” whispered Gianna.
“And if we want, we can lay down in the poppies.”
Angelina quietly hung up and put on her prettiest dress. The one reserved for special occasions. She readied herself for her “big night at the ball.”::
WHOA! THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!!!!! But seriously, I do get to watch TV. I do get to max out. I do get to bang Angelina Jolie. BUT I do need to feed her children’s blood. DAMN! WTF!
Since I have resolved to work this problem out, I will now make a decision.
Jennifer Aniston. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot to be said for Angelina Jolie. I won’t get into all that, (BOOBS HOT), but let it be said this was not an easy decision. Aside from each of their OBVIOUS physical traits (you’re seriously gonna be picky?), My decision came down to the simple fact that…
I WOULD HAVE TO FEED ANGELINA JOLIE THE BLOOD OF CHILDREN!
Brad, I want to help you. Call me!
Which would you pick, and why? Add it to the comments.
Tags: aneglina jolie, brad pitt, carlo, imaginary convos, jennifer aniston
Make this viral and you get 1,000,000 internet dollars.
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lol this was awesome. Angelina so drinks babies blood.
I would pick me. Fuck those hoes.
Call me Brad!
team Aniston all the way
I don’t find the drinking of children’s blood all that unacceptable for some reason..
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It’s the claw…
waaat? yes u do.
And now we know Angelina’s beauty secret. Can you buy it pre-bottled or is the ritualistic leeching of children’s blood part of the trick?
it can be bottled, but it’s a matter of preference i’d imagine.
CRAPLO