R. Kelly has been lying to youngins forever.

Think you are special because of your birthday? Think again, loser.

Here are those sexy butts I promised.

Not only did Rocky make the notion of gaining overnight success as an uneducated piece of shit popular, he also made hoodies popular!

FURTHER PROOF THAT THE ILLUMINATI WILL ANNOUNCE THE ALIEN THREAT TO THE WORLD’S PEOPLE CREATING A ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT AT THE 2012 OLYMPICS.

There is apparently a Phantom Planet in our Solar system. No, not a lame smooth rock band, and actual planet that we haven’t seen yet.

These 10 photos of “panda dogs” are way more depressing than you are imagining.

Next time I get pulled over, I’m keeping the Polar Bear suit on.

Are you sick of having a labia? Me too. I’m gonna have it surgically removed buy plastic pantyliners.

Piranhaconda??? Syfy, can you just make my script “Dickoctopus vs the Hairy Vagina Monster” already?

I guarantee that you will either want this fake food product or not.

I know you’re probably sick of the Avengers right now, but I swear IT’S EVERYWHERE!! The Zeitgeist (I use big words) right now is “all Avengers, all the time.”

If you haven’t seen the Avengers yet, please skip over this post. Don’t worry. I won’t get mad. But, as soon as you stop being lame and finally see the greatest Superhero movie ever, come back, because you have to see this!

I hate to even type this, but everyone’s favorite S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent died. Of course, I’m talking about Agent Coulson. And here’s Deviantart user Matsu-sensei‘s take on the Avengers honoring Agent Coulson at his funeral. AWWWWWWWWWWW.

It’s OK to cry, you pansy.

Sadly, with Barack Hussein Obama in office, our rights are being stripped away. For example, watch this news story about one patriot’s struggle to maintain life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

"I have a running account here."

I’m sure we are all aware that this actually happened on The Simpsons, proving that once again The Simpsons writers are actually the Muses that Greek Mythology spent so much time talking about.

The sad part about all this is not that this restaurant mistreated an overweight customer, it’s that this guy was a greedy asshole who not only hasn’t paid his bill, but that he tried to eat the restaurant out of fish that other customers would have actually paid for.

But this is what America is all about. Get what you can, screw everyone else, including yourself.

What bug is more evil, more reviled than the Emperor Scorpion? NONE.

The emperor scorpion, Pandinus imperator, is a species of scorpion native to Africa. It is one of the largest scorpions in the world and lives for 5–8 years. Its body is black, but glows under ultraviolet light.

The tail, known as the metasoma, is long and curves back over the body. It ends in the large receptacle containing the venom glands and is tipped with the sharp, curved stinger. Their sting is categorized as mild (similar to a bee sting) to severe on humans depending on the species.

Okay, so maybe they aren’t the worst bug ever, but damn are they gross.

The Cincinnati Zoo recently had their Emperor Scorpion give birth to a litter of 25 tiny angels of death.

Am I cured of my fear of bug by looking at videos and photos of bugs? No, but at least I’m not squealing like a little girl when I do.

Embedding is disabled by request, but you can still experience the awkwardness on the YouTubes.

Well, apparently I’m a geenie and I’m here to grant your wish.

ROBOT MUSIC!

THIS SONG MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY!

MY DADDY LOVES DUBSTEP!

You know what, on the more superficial level, it’s cute to watch kids talk about a new trend in music. What people might have missed though, is that literally anything is significantly more adorable when uttered by a British child. That’s the subtle beauty of this clip.

Just ask Nick Swardson:

That was silly, but something being silly doesn’t make it any less true.

Bangarang.

You might think, “Chris, you’re not a professional video-maker, so it’s probably general suckiness, and not Murphy’s Law which is ruining your projects”

Well it turns out that it’s not just me. The geniuses at Pixar have their shit blow up as well. Giant animation studios are just like US!

While wrapping up production on the big-budget computer animated film, a crew member accidentally typed in the “RM*” command on the Linux system storing all the movie’s data. The systems went into self-destruct mode, erasing all memories of Woody, Buzz, and the rest of the talking toys.

Imagine not having a Toy Story 2? What would the world be like?!? How could Tim Allen afford coke in 1999?!? These are questions the world willl never be able to answer.

After Will Smith’s Men In Black theme song gained him some comeback credibility, he attempted to inject the same into Wild Wild West. It didn’t work for the movie, though this song is as fun as shit.

Try to argue. Go ahead.

Those poor, poor souls.

The Amazing Spider-Man looks pretty fucking amazing. Watch the new 4 minute extended preview.

GoPro cameras on puppies might be the best thing you see today.

Gentlemen, start your cat engines.

“THERE’S A BACON CAKE IN THE DINING ROOM!”

Want to repel women with text messages? Do this shit.

So, does Howard Stern got talent?

Oh, you thought that bacon costume you wore for Halloween last year was clever? Talk to this dude from 1894. YA SHIT’S WEAK!

I’d like this Supergirl cosplayer to be my girlfriend, if you know her, please direct her to my twitter. Alternatively, I will also date anyone who wears these Wonder Woman underwear.

I really want to believe that this leaked cell phone pic is actually Taylor Swift.

I don’t know if these diagrams are correct. “IS ANYONE HERE A MARINE BIOLOGIST?!”

You know who’s surprisingly funny on Twitter? Jeopardy’s Ken Jennings. No, really. That’s not a joke.

Hey girl, I like the way you assemble those Avengers.

What do you mean “the bird was feeding the dog noodles??”

Click this if you want to understand what happens when you send an email via GMail, don’t click if you’re like me and want to continue to believe that there are electronic birds involved.

If you’re in NYC and not taking the Ghostbusters tour, you’re doing life wrong.

Pejazzling is a thing, Katy Perry is a dominatrix, and Kate Upton is in DT Magazine.

Finally, HOLY CRAP! NBC’s REVOLUTION LOOKS FREAKIN’ AWESOME!

German model Micaela Schaefer showed up at the movie’s premiere wearing the tape inside of a video tape. (Remember those??) It’s kinda confusing to explain, but I’m guessing she showed up in retro technology because in the new movie Will Smith travels back to 1969. It doesn’t matter though. This chick has huge tites and you can kinda see a nipple and side boob! Everything is represented.

Who is this Micaela Schaefer? From doing a cursory Google search, I’ve been about to determine she’s a German model who hates clothes. God bless her.

Can you see the side of her nipple? I sure can.

Boom! How many of you just bought tickets to MIB 3? Not me… Hit up ‘What Would Tyler Durden Do‘ for the full awesomeness.

There is a line I won’t cross though. I won’t modify my body to better use an Apple product.

Seriously guy? Seriously?

First of all, who likes iPod Nanos that much? Get an iPhone bro.

These kids nowadays are crazy attaching this wacky technology to their body using some weird miraculous things that I don’t quite know how it works.

The red river hog (Potamochoerus porcus), also known as the bush pig (but not to be confused with P. larvatus, common name “bushpig”), is a wild member of the pig family living in Africa, with most of its distribution in the Guinean and Congolian forests. It is rarely seen away from rainforests, and generally prefers areas near rivers or swamps.

Red river hogs eat grasses, berries, roots, insects, molluscs, small vertebrates and carrion. They are capable of causing damage to plantations. Red river hogs typically live in herds of six to 20 members led by a dominant boar. Sows rear three to six piglets at a time.

Thanks Wikipedia!!!

Well a sow, Binti, and her baby daddy Runty, just hit that 3-6 piglet mark at the Kansas City Zoo after birthing those four cuties up above.

mmmm pig milk.

Pigs are cute and all, but there is part of me that cant really get behind the whole “rolling in your own filth” thing. I mean, I feel gross if I skip a shower.

You know these people who have pigs as pets? They are weirdos if you ask me. Sure, it’s cute, but so are baby sheep, doesn’t mean I want a petting zoo in my dining room. And do they swear off pork? I’d imagine that their beloved pet wouldn’t like to wake up to the delicious scent of bacon.

Bacon Bits

Why? Because seeing the two of my most favorite things together just makes me happy. And seriously, when hell is full and the dead walk the earth, who will protect us from zombies? The government? Pshhhhhhh. Nope. If the Battle of Yonkers has taught us anything is that our military is only prepared for the last war. We need the help of some ninja teens of the mutant variety. (How many zombie related references can I make?)

OK, enough playing around here’s what you’ve been waiting for:

Michelangelo is still my favorite turtle.

A Portland-based filmmaker and father of two, James Winters, got his kids and his nephew to reenact the Beastie Boys‘ video for “Sabotage” as a tribute to Adam “MCA” Yauch, who succumbed to cancer on May 4th.

So basically, this filmmaker, opportunist, and father paid tribute to our fallen boy, by re-creating the Beasties iconic video for “Sabotage”

Not the most original tribute, but pretty cute none the less.

Oh, children. Thank you for wearing fake mustaches and getting this song stuck in my head all day.

Because chances are that you haven’t seen it, I’m sharing it here. I don’t care if you don’t care. it’s my goddamn website and I can share whatever the fuck I want.

NOW WATCH!

You might have noticed that most of the lines were lifted from a different famous action movie, or that this video has a bitchin’ soundtrack, but most importantly, unlike the big screen version of BATTLESHIP. Our video features the game prominently.

So, we win.

Also, LOL @ Nitebot pictures.

OH, Also this, it’s completely unrelated, but shut up.

The Matches are one of my favorite bands who made music in the last 10 years. It saddens me deeply that they aren’t making music together anymore. I can take solace in the fact that they have a music video where a dancing girl has a TV for a head.

It’s true. Watch “What Katie Said.”

Kiss the girl...

Puppies on a skateboard? Oh yes, that happened.

Good bye CSI: Miami, you were only useful for that one trip I took to Miami that one time.

Whether or not you like Will Smith, its hard to deny that he gives terrible gifts.

Most of the symbols and icons on your modern computer are way more dated than you might imagine.

How fast do you read?

Still having a difficult time picturing Kelso from That ’70s Show as Steve Jobs? I bet these photos will help!

Another reason to visit Australia, they have the worlds only poop machine.

Newsweek is calling Obama ‘The First Gay President‘.

We all know that Hollywood tends to “borrow” from older films, but this is ridiculous.

And speaking about film, how about an infographic showing all of Coca-Cola’s product placement in movies?

This is the most impressive cat jump I have ever seen. Period.

One of the things that amazes me is when an awesome story/event falls through the cracks here at DAPS. I scour these internets and try to find the funny, day-in and day-out. But, I failed you loyal DAPS readers, because this clip from last week’s 2012 Comedy Awards is seriously,insanely funny.

It’s common knowledge that for everyone in our generation, The Daily Show is one of the funniest news satire programs ever created. But what makes it so funny? The Correspondents, sillywinks. Remember a lowly correspondent named Stephen Colbert? Yes, the very same Stephen Colbert, host of the hugely popular the Colbert Report, started as a correspondent on The Daily Show!

Well, last week after winning the Best Late Night Comedy Award, Jon Stewart turned the mic over to his correspondents and they totally trolled you America. Traditionally, after winning an award, the winner picks a cause of great importance to them and speaks about how their performance is dedicated to that cause. After winning their award the Daily Show correspondents did the exact opposite. They picked ridiculous non-sequitur causes to rally against, and I love each and every one of them. Here’s the list:

• Fluoride in Our Water is Turning Our Kids Gay.
• Don’t free Mumia
• Thanking China for putting Tebet in its place, because Tibetans are assholes. (Soooo true)
• Parenting isn’t a real job.
• Thanks for wearing fur because the only good animal is a dead animal.
• Alf is real and leading a Zionist conspiracy.

Well played news team. Well played.

You had a great run.

I want the world to completely stop existing and for life as we know it to end in December just like everyone else, but sadly, it doesn’t look like it’s the case.

The oldest-known version of the ancient Maya calendar has been discovered adorning a lavishly painted wall in the ruins of a city deep in the Guatemalan rainforest.

The hieroglyphs, painted in black and red, along with a colorful mural of a king and his mysterious attendants, seem to have been a sort of handy reference chart for court scribes in A.D. 800 — the astronomers and mathematicians of their day. Contrary to popular myth, this calendar isn’t a countdown to theend of the world in December 2012, the study researchers said.

“The Mayan calendar is going to keep going for billions, trillions, octillions of years into the future,” said archaeologist David Stuart of the University of Texas, who worked to decipher the glyphs. “Numbers we can’t even wrap our heads around.”

Great. Now I’m going to have to pay off all that credit card debt I incurred trying to spend my last living days “ballin” with the 3 DVD plan from Netflix and cartons of indian reservation cigarettes from the internet.

The notion that the world would end came from people thinking that Mayans had magical insight into the future and created an arbitrary system of time that when compared to our arbitrary system of time, ended on December 21st, 2012. And we all know that having an old calendar laying around can cause a great deal of confusion.

I was kind of banking on this apocalypse. I mean, how awesome would that have been? Sure, we all would be dead or something, but those couple of hours when shit starts popping off would have been awesome.

Howdy Ya’ll, Josh.0 (it’s a new nickname I am trying out, ya know like Tosh.0?) here. Right off the bat let me address this so called controversy about golfing when I am supposed to be resting my lat muscle. First off I don’t even know what a lat muscle is. That sounds like hippie shit, we don’t have those in Texas and you DO NOT mess with Texas. I can promise you that I am on a strict 6,000 calorie a day diet and have cut down the number of beers I have.  I’m only having a 12 pack on days I don’t pitch and a 6er on the days I do. As for the concerns about my weight well muscle weighs more than fat so ya’ll can just get off my balls.

Besides, I was golfing it’s not like I was doing some strenuous activity like rock climbing or marathon running or that stair master that Dusty is always using. I was playing golf for God’s sake and to be honest I’m using playing in the loosest sense of the word here. Mostly I was just pounding brewskis with my broskis and pretending to be Happy Gilmore. I can promise you that I wasn’t doing anything even remotely strenuous enough to injure myself. I’m a world class athlete, not some old woman with a bad hip.

Now as far as my “slow start”, let me put all your fears to rest Red Sox nation. I’m a big game pitcher, I don’t know if you heard but I got two World Series rings and I went into Yankee stadium and shut them out back in 2003 on 3 days rest. You guys aren’t paying me $15 million a year to win games in May. Heck you aren’t paying me at all because John Henry and the other owner’s sign my checks so ya’ll can kiss my ass.

Thats the face of a man who was just invited to lick Josh Beckett's balls

Besides, I haven’t been nearly as bad as Clay Buchholz who I started calling Clay Aiken he’s been so bad. I even got Big Papi to start calling him that although I’m pretty sure it’s because Papi doesn’t know who Clay Aiken or Clay Buchholz are and really doesn’t understand English all that well. Hell, I’m having a better season than Dice-K. That dude hasn’t pitched like all year, probably out having sushi or something. The Red Sox paid $51.1 million just to TALK to that guy. Heck I talk to the team for free all the time. Just the other day I told our manager Bobby V. that I wasn’t doing these stretching drills he wants us to do anymore and he can lick my balls. Boom, free of charge, you’re welcome.

Now that we have all that cleared up, you fans can go back to drinking your Sam Adams, eating your clam chowda and adoring me. And if not then well ya’ll can lick my balls.

So there it is; everything you wanted to know about the Josh Beckett golfing controversy straight from the horse’s mouth (or the horse’s ass depending on your perspective). If there are any other “Real” athlete’s blogs you would like to see let us know and we will faithfully scour the internet for them.

WHAT! Holy crap! That cat put bunny ears on it’s own head, like he wanted to wear them! That’s incredible, my entire world view has shifted!

What’s that? Your saying the video is backwards? Like a human took footage of a cat taking bunny ears off their head, reversed it, and uploaded it to YouTube under some sort of guise?

I don’t know who to trust anymore.

Well, it certainly seems like he might have been, because this is how he tweeted Happy Mother’s Day to his mom:

So let me get this straight. NPH’s mother ate her mom then her own grandma and then a random human being? OH THE HUMANITY!!!

You know what would have prevented this whole unfortunate incident? Blowfish. No. Not MC Blowfish, creator of “The Humpty Dance”, but Blowfish for Hangovers. Imagine if NPH had some Blowfish for Hangovers at his side while he was composing that tweet on this iPhone? Disaster averted!

Thanks Blowfish for Hangovers, because of you Twitter faux pas are a thing of the past.

What is Dick or Bro??

Basically, Dick or Bro asks a timeless question. Is a particular celebrity or public figure an asshole “Dick” or someone you’d like to hang out/party with “Bro.”

Today, we’re trying out one of their showdowns, which are aptly named “Bro-Downs.” This contest is meant to determine who between two celebrity figures is the bigger “Bro”

When we DAPS guys heard about this, we immediately knew who we’d have bro-ing down on each other.

That’s right kids, it’s Family Matters‘ Steve Urkel and his suave alter-ego, Stefan Urquelle.

During the fifth season episode “Dr. Urkel and Mr. Cool,” Urkel devised the ultimate plan to win Laura’s heart: transforming his DNA using a serum called “Cool Juice” to suppress his “nerd” genesand bring out his “cool” genes. This resulted in the alter ego known as Stefan Urquelle, played by White in more casual attire and with a smoother delivery. Initially, Laura is enamored with Stefan, but asks that he turn back into Steve when Stefan’s self-centered, narcissistic attitude comes out. (via WIkipedia)

Before you decide which Jaleel White performance you’d like as your bro, let’s look at the evidence.

…and now we vote. Is your bro Steve or Stefan?

Choose Wisely,

Little dude looks like he’d actually have some skills behind a drum set. I mean, he totally nailed that intro to “Breed”. He’s practically Dave Grohl!!

Hey! I wonder if Dave Grohl has seen this. Can one of you tell Dave Grohl? I used to have his publicist’s contact info, but I lost it.

True story.

The band broke up from 2004-2007, but they’re back now with a vengence. 2012 has E6 singer Max Collins writing about his girlfriend’s trip to Mexico and how she’s a fucking liar.

Let’s listen to “Victoria”