DAPS News Flash

We put the FORM and ZEN into “informed citizen”

You know, there sure is a lot of news out there. Luckily for you, DAPS News Flash culls the entire globe for the most newsworthy news. I believe you’d even be fine if this was your sole source of news. No need to keep your ear to the ground.

U.S. military report warns ’sudden collapse’ of Mexico is possible

The real news story here is how insensitive the United States military can be. Sure, Manuel Uribe could be described as heavyset or maybe even obese, but he’s been trying real hard to lose weight. Last year it was reported he lost 570 lbs on the Zone diet. Good for you Manuel, and bad news for all you chubby chasers out there – cause my man Manny is on a flatbed truck to SkinnyTown.

Ex-officer charged with murder in BART shooting

Springfield ex-police chief Clancy Wiggum was charged today in the murder of Bart Simpson, a local 10 year old boy. His lawyer was not available for comment but witnesses to the shooting report overhearing him say, “He is the cancer and I am the … uh … what cures cancer?” The autopsy concluded that Bart Simpson was killed by bullets, and also that he’s actually 29 years old. The funeral will be held this Friday at The First Church of Springfield. Every character from town is expected to be there, as they are contractually obligated to be.

Flying car takes high road to Timbuktu

A flying car designed by a British inventor took off from London today, beginning an epic journey to Timbuktu. When asked about why in particular he’d chosen Timbuktu he merely replied, “Where we’re going we don’t need roads.” One analyst, who wishes to remain anonymous, concluded he chose Timbuktu for it’s severe lack of roads. “He’s really trying to prove a point by flying to Africa. One of those points is that he’s a dick.” We were unable to decipher the comment put out by Timbuktu on this stunt because we don’t speak Koyra Chiini, the native tongue. For all we know they were just telling us what dirt tastes like.

Obama to End ‘Don’t ask, Don’t tell’ Policy

The end of this policy will affect many people, one of them being Sue Ellen Crandell, who was able to avoid getting grounded from a cover-up of her babysitter’s death back in 1992. Ms. Crandell, now 34 years old, could face not only grounding but also criminal charges including unlawful handling of a corpse, petty larceny (of petty cash), fraud, and throwing a bitchin’ fashion show without a permit.

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