They're coming to get you Barbara.

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Hello. I am Dani Disaster. I am your mortal enemy ladies. I am currently your best friend, because I’m moving in on your shit. The truth is …I want your fucking boyfriend. Not even because I like him, but because he’s yours. I’m closing in on your man. Sure, he gets drunk and slaps you around…but bitch, soon he’ll be slapping me around. I’m wearing my mini skirt in -30 thirty degrees. Oh boy is it cold out…..and I’m not wearing a bra! I’m bending over in front of him, allowing the hot pink whale tale of my thong pop up my out jeans. Later on when we’re all wasted, I’m kicking you out of the threesome. Oh yea. I’m pulling all the stops…I’m outside his window with my boom box blasting Phil Collins Peter Gabriel’s ‘In Your Eyes’ in nothing but a trench coat. I’m doing my ten moves of seduction.

Number 1: Show up everywhere

I know I didn’t get the e-vite, but I’m here anyway. At your birthday party. At his birthday party. At his uncle’s wedding. If he works at a restaurant I’m there with my entire family and guess what, my parents like him. He’s forming a special relationship with my baby cousin when you thought he didn’t even like kids. Now I’m at all his bands shows front row, getting songs dedicated to me. You know, one of the songs might even be about me. Somehow when you’re on dates or out with your friends, I’m around. I’m friends with your friends now. We’re outside and I’m lighting his cigarette (Oh my god, since when does he smoke? That’s right bitch…

Number 2: Outshine you in everything

You don’t know how, but I have suddenly become an expert in everything that he likes. We now have all the same majors in school and tastes in music. When you’re passed out on the couch, I am still able to drink and party because I put roofies in your whiskey sour. You won’t let him put it in your ass or blow him while he’s driving….but I lie and let him know I do that with my boyfriends. I’m upping the bar…but only past your limits and you’ll never catch up. MUAHAHA. It’s the bottom of the ninth and you will never get that grand slam!!! You’re like Alex Rodriguez and only do something amazing when it’s not helpful at all!!!!

Number 3: Make sultry eyes

It’s a trick I learned from when I was a geisha in a past life. I look for your man, then slowly look at him making direct eye contact, then look away. I get the attention then pretend like it’s nothing. If my back is turned I look over my shoulder then flip my hair. I’m slowly blinking at him with way too much eyeliner on, then I’m going to clearly stare at his package, then you, then his package. You can’t even get mad, because “I’m not really doing anything”. In fact you’re not even sure if I am really doing it. Then I do Morse code blinking saying ‘Let’s eff’. Then he will go home and fuck you and accidentally say my name. I have now successfully hypnotized him! (Note: Some girls can not do this task because they have the ‘crazy eyes’. According to Urbandictionary.com, ‘crazy eyes’ can be found on moderate to attractive girls. If you have crazy eyes, don’t worry just be sure to wear a push-up bra or come fuck me pumps aka CFMPS

Number 4: Lie

I’m already lying about my whole personality and interests to your boyfriend anyway, but I have to scheme to drive you batshit….So I’m going to tell all your friends I do him. Then they’ll tell you. Then I’ll be like, “I never said that!” Because chances are you’re bigger than me and can beat me up. One day, I’ll figure out what his room looks like from your myspace photos and text you describing the GI Joe pillow case claiming to have humped it. I’ll write in my xanga that we spend Valentines, Christmas, and Flag Day together but use a code name that only you will understand; being that I have made you so paranoid you are practically John Nash. Also, I’m going to use my little sister’s phone and store it under his name and send myself fake text messages to show off to all my Old Navy co-workers.

Number 5: Put my boobs on him

I will put my boobs on him.

Number 6: Harass him on social networking sites

I’ll chase him down in the Best Buy parking lot and take a photo with my cellphone and make it my new myspace default. I’m going to leave him like, at least 10 hearts and winky faces a day. I’ll comment his myspace photos that don’t have you in them and go ‘LOL, CUTE’. I’ll put him in my top friends…not number one at first. I’ll probably upgrade his position weekly…as I get closer. I’ll send him gifts through various Facebook applications, like the free little pug dogs but do it under ‘anonymous’ to hide the affair. You’ll see that I sent him a Facebook ‘poke’ and he’ll claim “oh it’s nothing baby…” but you’ll know…you’ll know.

Number 7: Sabotage

I can’t stand it, I know you planned it. Imma set straight this watergate!!! All those positive pregnancy tests in your garbage your mother found? That was me. The calls from the doctor about that nasty rash? ME. The photos of you all over your campus and on the school’s computer desktops of you deep-throating your father? Well he sent me those, but HA!

Number 8: Make him a mix tape

“Don’t Cha (Wish your girlfriend was hot like me)” – Pussycat Dolls “Sexyback” – Justin Timberlake “Put It In Your Mouth” – Akinyele “The Thong Song” – Sisqo “I Want To Know What Love Is” – Foreigner “Let’s Get It On” – Marvin Gaye “Lick It Up” – Kiss “Caress me Down” – Sublime “Closer” – Nine Inch Nails ”In Your Room” Depeche Mode “Dirrty” – Christina Aguilera “Your Body is a Wonderland” – John Mayer “I’ll Make Love To You” – Boyz 2 Men ”My Ding-a-Ling” – Chuck Berry “Purple Rain” – Prince “The Bad Touch” – Bloodhound Gang

Number 9: Fake a tragedy

Something really horrible has coincidently happened to me, and your boyfriend is going to have no choice but to comfort me because I am going to widdle it down the most insane situation that only he is equipped to handle. Maybe he had a golden retriever once and mine recently died. He’ll need to comfort me. With his dick.

Number 10: Love potion

I’m sure you’ve learned by now from Hollywood that magic is real and works. I’m going to go to Diagon Alley or Hot Topic to buy myself some incense and red candles. Then wait for the full moon I’ll do some chanting. Eye of newt, jizz of hobo, snips, snails, puppy dog tails…. boil it all in cauldron. Whatever it takes. Now his heart will now belong to me after I slip this into his beer.

Make this viral and you get 1,000,000 internet dollars.

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