A friend told me recently:
Friend – “Hey, you’re really great with kids. What’s your secret?”
Me – “Funny you say ’secret’ because i beat them.”
Friend – “What? You beat children?”
Me - “Shhhhhh.. yes! I treat them the way i treat myself.”
Friend – “What does that mean? Wait… first of all, you beat yourself?”
Me- “Yeah, ‘course i do. When i fuck up, i hit myself pretty hard too. Well, hard enough that i don’t to it again.”
Friend – “That is bad.”
Me – “Na, don’t worry about me. I can take it. The kids have it worse.”
Friend – “How so?”
Me – “Well i have a hard time judging how hard i should strike them because my threshold is so much greater.”
Friend – “Right..”
Me – “So i generally I just gauge it on how upset they’ve made me, so occasionally i tend cause some real damage. Which isn’t always a bad thing.”
Friend – “… Why?…”
Me – “Why hit them?”
Friend - (drinking something) “mm hmm.”
Me- “Well look at our current society compared to the 1950’s or before when parents and teachers used to be more physical with disciple. Kids weren’t so rowdy and disorderly. There were no bullshit excuses like ‘it’s A-D-D’ or ‘he bleeds easily.’ Less fattys just sitting around back then. Kids used to run more. Sure, they’d be running away from fists but that’s still running where I’m from… sprinting even.”
Friend – “that’s true.”
Me – “The world wasn’t fueled by childish want. We cater to kids now and it screws with adult stuff.”
Friend – “wow.”
Me – “I mean really, its natural too.”
Friend- “Go oooon.”
Me – “The strong survive. You’ve heard that before?”
Friend – “yeah, in science textbooks!”
Me – “Precisely, what do we have over kids?”
Friend – “I.D’s!”
Me – “Besides that.”
Friend – “Body hair?”
Me – “you’re almost there..”
Friend- “Ooo, we can spell and we have s-e-x!”
Me – “WE’RE FUCKING GODS. We’re untouchable. We’re juggernauts. Why waste that? Use it while you can.”
Friend – “Shake what your momma gave you!!!”
Both- “Hahahaahahaha”
Friend – “Wow, it makes so much sense. Can i ask you a question?”
Me – “Anything, friend.”
Friend – “What about.. you know… touching them…. sexually”
Me – “Penguin.”
Friend – “Penguin?”
Me – (into shirt) “PENGUIN!!!”
SWAT TEAM TACKLES “FRIEND”
Me – (into a fake microphone)“Yeah, It’s hard to force kids to behave sometimes but It’s even harder to find good guy friends. That’s the one problem i can’t beat away…. but i’ll keep trying. (drops fake microphone iconically)”
Tags: Columbine, Egon Spangler, ET, how to catch a loser, Indiana Jones, July 4th, predator vs alien, Rachel Ray, to catch a predator, Whips
Make this viral and you get 1,000,000 internet dollars.
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lol. awesome