Dog and Pony Show - Better at the internet than you.

FLAM: You probably feel special since you’re the first chick to be featured on this, right? Probably not. So tell everyone who you are and what you’re all about.

Miss Pants: Hi, I’m Miss Pants. I’m 19 years old. On regular days I love to bathe myself in the ocean and eat ice cream with chocolate, on the toilet bowl. On weekends I like to steal from art museums, and raid grocery stores with my lance.

FLAM: So what’s up with you right now? What are you up to and all that jazz?

Miss Pants: I’m pissed!

FLAM: Why’s that?

Miss Pants: Look at the ingredients in Listerine. Sugar is in it!

FLAM: And you don’t like that?

Miss Pants: No! What am I supposed to do? Gargle with fuckin’ sugar and then go to the sadistic dentist to put fuckin’ drills in my mouth?

FLAM: You’re just dumb.

Miss Pants: No! Because that just makes me go to the dentist! Okay? And I hate the dentist.

FLAM: Explain your phobia of the dentist.

Miss Pants: Okay well, the dentist is very intimidating because all you hear is the drilling of the teeth and you’re waiting and waiting and your foot is jumping and you’re really nervous and then you go in and he doesn’t even care that you’re there, he doesn’t look at your face or ask how you are and he sticks all these metal things in your mouth and he puts a shot in my mouth, and he leaves me there and then he comes back and he shoves his fucking dirty fingers in my face. I don’t like it.

FLAM: Yeah, that sucks. I kinda like the dentist actually.

Miss Pants: That’s not even funny. You don’t even like the dentist. No one likes the dentist. Who goes to the dentist and says “wow, this is going to be fun”?

FLAM: No, seriously. Those hooks or whatever they use. I kinda like how that feels.
Miss Pants: No, you don’t!

FLAM: I really like the pain of it, to be honest.

Miss Pants: Being sadistic and masochistic is cool and all but that’s not what it’s about.

FLAM: I anticipate my dentist appointments.

Miss Pants: Well, that’s sick.

FLAM: How’s it sick?

Miss Pants: It’s not even a joke! When you go to the dentist, who says “Mmm, I can’t wait to sit in this chair!”?

FLAM: But it feels good sometimes, doesn’t it?

Miss Pants: No it does not! No it doesn’t ever!

FLAM: The bubble gum flavored-

Miss Pants: No! It doesn’t even taste like fucking bubble gum! It tastes like fake…shit…..with flavor.

FLAM: When’s the last time you visited the dentist?

Miss Pants: It’s been about a year…and my dentist is Pakistani.

FLAM: Do you at least brush and floss every day?

Miss Pants: Of course I do. I have a power tooth brush.

FLAM: Oh, I have one too. They’re nice. You ever stick it in your taint?

Miss Pants: Mmm, yeah.

FLAM: What’s with “Ms. Pants?”

Miss Pants: Okay, well, I never wear pants so it’s kinda funny.

FLAM: That’s a horrible story. So why don’t you wear pants?

Miss Pants: Because they’re really constricting on my leg.

FLAM: Remember that shirt you wore? It was a wifebeater and it said…

Miss Pants: I know what it said. Don’t even say it. What’s your next question?!

FLAM: Really? It was funny!

Miss Pants: It wasn’t! Next question!

FLAM: Alright, but it was a funny shirt. It was definitely one of my favorite outfits that you wore. Fuck, I really wanted to talk about that.

Miss Pants: Okay fine! Go ahead.

FLAM: Alright, you had a shirt and a plaid mini skirt and what did you use for the shirt? A blue sharpie?

Miss Pants: I don’t remember?

FLAM: It said “I like girls” and on the back it said “But not like that.” I’ll always remember that outfit. Remember Halloween? You were decked out with the baby blue velour outfit and the braids. You were just ghetto fabulous. It was just so stupid and this was Freshman year when you wore a lot of Goth shit, so it was extra funny.

Miss Pants: That costume wasn’t as good as some of the others that I’ve worn.

FLAM: Explain your Goth phase, please.

Miss Pants: Well, I’m a virgin. Hold on, this leads into how I was a Goth., I swear. I loved Marilyn Manson, I think he’s sexy and I love his music. I wanted to lose my virginity to him.

FLAM: When did that happen?

Miss Pants: It never did but I always wanted to. So I was a Goth for two years, and then, eventually, I still like the music and all, you know? You grow out of it so I just dress whatever I feel like on that day. Cause clothes are just a costume.

FLAM: So aside from Marilyn Manson, what other music did you listen to in the Goth realm?

Miss Pants: Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse.

FLAM: That’s not really Goth music though. You were the fakest fuckin’ Goth ever.
Miss Pants: No I wasn’t. They were just costumes. It was fun.

FLAM: You were one of those new aged “Goth” chicks with the stupid Hot Topic shit.

Miss Pants: I was fourteen years old.

FLAM: You weren’t a real Goth, you know ,like Siouxsie and The Banshees or Sisters of Mercy. You do like Joy Division though, which is kinda Gothy.

Miss Pants: No, it’s not!

FLAM: Yes, it is.

Miss Pants: No, it’s not.

FLAM: Cause you listen to Cradle Of Filth, so what do you know about Goth?

Miss Pants: Oh my God! I feel attacked!

FLAM: Pretty much, you looked mad ridiculous freshman year.

Miss Pants: What do I look like right now?

FLAM: You lost my Northface coat.

Miss Pants: I did! First of all, it was a really gay jacket, so I did you a favor. One day I was just carrying it around and I don’t know, I just lost it.

FLAM: $300 jacket.

Miss Pants: That’s okay. I would have bought you a new one if I had money back then. That’s funny. Oh, High school. Do you remember Mr. Rappaport?

FLAM: He was that really gross bio teacher, right?

Miss Pants: He’d always stare at my boobs. He was so disgusting! He used to tell me to stick hot dogs in my skin. What the fuck, right?

FLAM: Where else do you stick hot dogs?

Miss Pants: And he used to say that if you stood under a bright enough light, you can be see-through.

FLAM: Yeah he was weird, I guess. High school was weird in general. So where do you go to school now?

Miss Pants: I don’t go to school. I prostitute.

FLAM: You prostitute?

Miss Pants: No, I go to Adelphi University.

FLAM: What are you studying?

Miss Pants: Psychology. I want to be a psychotherapist.

FLAM: Like the Freud school of psychology or the good school? Freud sucks.

Miss Pants: What?!

FLAM: He’s totally wrong about everything.

Miss Pants: He’s not wrong.

FLAM: Yes, he is.

Miss Pants: No he is not. How much do you know? Like, do you want to have sex with your mom?

FLAM: I don’t want to have sex with my mom. It’s all crap. That guy was a true asshole.

Miss Pants: It’s not crap! I bet you have a lot of stuff lying in your unconscious that you’re not even aware of.

FLAM: Yeah, but Freud didn’t put that out. That’s been pointed out a million times before that.

Miss Pants: Well, he made it popular, so fuck everybody else.

FLAM: Explain Freud for anybody who doesn’t know.

Miss Pants: There are different underlying parts of your mind that bring about different memories or emotions that you may not be aware of but once you get in tune with them, with therapy, you’ll be able to go through what’s really bothering you and you’ll be able to live life better. Let’s say I was raped as a child. Let’s say my dad raped me when I was two years old.

FLAM: Why would you even use that as an example?

Miss Pants: Shut up!

FLAM: Let’s say I was a tiny little baby and I got mouth raped.

Miss Pants: No! Let’s say I got raped when I was two, so now..

FLAM: I got raped right out of the womb!

Miss Pants: No, seriously. Now, when I was older, let’s say I was 12 now, and all of a sudden I hate men and I won’t want to have sexual relations with anyone. I can be asked “Were you ever raped as a child?” I can say no, and truly believe what I’m saying since the memory is so repressed.

FLAM: You’re really smart but there’s no more room for your intelligence in this interview.

Miss Pants: I don’t know about all that but I felt pretty smart last weekend. I went to the Museum of Natural History, like a true intellectual. It was fun.

FLAM: I hate that museum. It’s so boring. I like the whale though.

Miss Pants: No. You know what? The whale fucking sucked because when you go in, you think it’s going to be cool because of that movie with Ben Stiller. It swims and it’s fucking huge, but when you go in, it’s not even that big.

FLAM: I didn’t see that movie. How was it?

Miss Pants: It was sorta dumb but I really like Robin Williams and he was in it just enough to save the movie. I love him. He was in so many great movies.

FLAM: What did you think of Mrs. Doubtfire?

Miss Pants: Mrs. Doubtfire was the shit. He did a great fucking job. If you saw that old lady walking down the street, you would not think twice that that’s a man.

FLAM: No, I know because I used to be a British nanny and he had it dead on.

Miss Pants: Oh indeed. He was the best and I loved his tits.

FLAM: Let’s do some quick word association. Say the first thing that pops in your head when we say these words.

Miss Pants: Ok, whatever. This is stupid.

FLAM: Michael Jackson.

Miss Pants: Mom

FLAM: What?! What would Freud think?

Miss Pants: He would think that it’s fucking awesome.

FLAM: Pound puppies.

Miss Pants: What?

FLAM: Pound puppies.

Miss Pants: Who?

FLAM: Pound puppies!

Miss Pants: What the fuck is a Pound Puppy?!

FLAM: Vampires.

Miss Pants: Sex.

FLAM: Ha! Coming from the virgin.

Miss Pants: I know, right?

FLAM: Aborted fetus.

Miss Pants: Terrible!

FLAM: Alive fetus.

Miss Pants: Delicious!

FLAM: That’s amazing. You wanna wrap this up? Final words of wisdom?

Miss Pants: Yeah. I don’t promote tooth decay.

FLAM: What?