In America, we pride ourselves on two things above all. Our ability to be as fat as fuck, and our ability to maintain that weight. Most other countries/cultures can only give you one of those. But we ain’t number 1 for no reason!
Sadly, with Barack Hussein Obama in office, our rights are being stripped away. For example, watch this news story about one patriot’s struggle to maintain life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
"I have a running account here."
I’m sure we are all aware that this actually happened on The Simpsons, proving that once again The Simpsons writers are actually the Muses that Greek Mythology spent so much time talking about.
The sad part about all this is not that this restaurant mistreated an overweight customer, it’s that this guy was a greedy asshole who not only hasn’t paid his bill, but that he tried to eat the restaurant out of fish that other customers would have actually paid for.
But this is what America is all about. Get what you can, screw everyone else, including yourself.
I love Apple products, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sure, it hurts my heart to know that they employ what is essentially slave labor to build their products, and that there is a ridiculous markup on their gizmos. It just works well for me, and I’m an American, and I can buy what I want.
There is a line I won’t cross though. I won’t modify my body to better use an Apple product.
Seriously guy? Seriously?
First of all, who likes iPod Nanos that much? Get an iPhone bro.
I want the world to completely stop existing and for life as we know it to end in December just like everyone else, but sadly, it doesn’t look like it’s the case.
The oldest-known version of the ancient Maya calendar has been discovered adorning a lavishly painted wall in the ruins of a city deep in the Guatemalan rainforest.
The hieroglyphs, painted in black and red, along with a colorful mural of a king and his mysterious attendants, seem to have been a sort of handy reference chart for court scribes in A.D. 800 — the astronomers and mathematicians of their day. Contrary to popular myth, this calendar isn’t a countdown to theend of the world in December 2012, the study researchers said.
“The Mayan calendar is going to keep going for billions, trillions, octillions of years into the future,” said archaeologist David Stuart of the University of Texas, who worked to decipher the glyphs. “Numbers we can’t even wrap our heads around.”
Great. Now I’m going to have to pay off all that credit card debt I incurred trying to spend my last living days “ballin” with the 3 DVD plan from Netflix and cartons of indian reservation cigarettes from the internet.
The notion that the world would end came from people thinking that Mayans had magical insight into the future and created an arbitrary system of time that when compared to our arbitrary system of time, ended on December 21st, 2012. And we all know that having an old calendar laying around can cause a great deal of confusion.
I was kind of banking on this apocalypse. I mean, how awesome would that have been? Sure, we all would be dead or something, but those couple of hours when shit starts popping off would have been awesome.
An angry young man ran his sister over after her cat urinated on his computer. What a neckbeard!
Never have I seen better photos of anyone, ever.
Oliver Richardson, apparently an IBM employee (I can’t really tell from the news report, They all talk gobbly gook) who was so enraged when his sister’s cat peed on his precious 4 Chan machine computer that he grabbed the cat, threw it into his SUV, and drove off. His sister, in an attempt to save the cat pushed a “wheelie bin” (trashcan) in front of the car, along with herself. Oliver then hit his sister Hannah with the SUV and injured her, fracturing her spine and leg, and puncturing her lung.
Listen up folks, we all have issues in our family, but it’s not reason to run a person over. Sure you are constantly insulted with snide remarks and backhanded compliments and given guilt trips about your life and then lied to outright when you bring it up, but it’s not reason to run them over! Just move on! You only have one family and you had absolutely no choice in picking them and you cannot control the person they are, so why get bent out of shape about it?
Oh, right, cat piss. That stuff is hard to clean up. I bet the urine fried some circuits too. That sucks. judging by his face, he probably had an Alienware or some shit too. Probably one with LEDs all over the case.
I’m sure by now you guys have heard of Real Life Seattle Super Hero Phoenix Jones. If not, here’s a reminder:
Well, now there is a “Super Villain” looking to take him down. Meet, Rex Velvet.
This guy seems more like an out-of-work film student than a Super Villain. While I’d like to applaud this awfully named Super Villain, he hasn’t really done anything super or villainous to warrant the title.
If I was him, I’d start committing some serious crimes like cutting people with a razor, or robbing banks, or ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS A CRIME. Unless you count that horrendous moustache, then he is quite the dastardly foe.
Rex Velvet is actually the creation of Rocket Launch Productions, which pretty much ruins any credibility this asshat might have. And if that didn’t, his Twitter and Facebook will easily do that for you.
At the writing of this post, he has not replied to my query.
Imagine I spent the 15 minutes in Photoshop and made that port hole a butt hole.
Looks like Johnny Travs (my new name for him) is in hot water after another masseuse comes out and claims Travolta made lewd sexual passes at him.
This one claims that after Travolta picked him up in fully loaded (with condoms) Lexus, they went to the Beverly Hills Hotel for what the plaintiff (that’s right, there is a lawsuit) thought was a regular massage.
“Travolta appeared to be semi-erect.”… and Travolta “touched Plaintiff’s scrotum, and this time the Plaintiff told Travolta to please not touch him again.” The lawsuit states that the actor promised not to, but “Travolta quickly tried to rub the head of Plaintiff’s penis as he tried to pull away.”
The lawsuit then alleges that Travolta “started to apologize for his behavior and tried to imply that they ‘must have gotten our signals crossed,’ and that he thought the Plaintiff wanted ‘the same thing he did,’” the documents state. “Plaintiff explained that he did not ever have sex with his clients and that expecting sexual situations when people are providing paid services was essentially prostitution. Travolta tried to act like it was a simple misunderstanding..Plaintiff told Travolta that a masseur lying on the table was unlawful and inappropriate. Travolta said, ‘come on dude, I’ll jerk you off!!!’”
The masseuse tried to complete the deep tissue massage, but the lawsuit alleges, “Travolta, had removed his draping and was masturbating. Travolta’s penis was fully erect, and was roughly 8 inches in length, and his pubic hair was wirey and unkempt. Sweat was pouring down Travolta’s neck, and he asked Plaintiff again to say something nice to him”
The documents state that Travolta said there was a Hollywood actress staying at the hotel that “wanted three way sex, and wanted to be double penetrated. Travolta said they could have that later, but first they needed to have sex together before calling her, so this way they would be in-sync with each other sexually.
[emphasis added]
Apparently Travolta was on the East Coast at this time, and his lawyer is claiming the whole story bogus. It’s just another case of an anonymous sexual assault victim looking for attention.
The story doesn’t really end there, because Travolta also revealed a lot about his own career.
Not only did Travolta allegedly try to have sex with the masseur, but he is also said to have told the plantiff — identified only as “John Doe” — that he “got where he is now due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’ days,” and that “Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity.”
[emphasis added]
THAT’s something I can believe!
But seriously, I think we all know where Travolta lands in the spectrum of sexual preference, and obviously it’s only a real issue to him as he’s making really half-assed attempts at hiding it. But sexual assault? That’s pretty ugly of Johnny Travs.
Breaking up with a woman shouldn’t be very hard. The two of you have grown close, and share yourselves emotionally. Revealing your desire to break it off with your partner should be treated with the same reverence that you give hearing about the cat story that some idiot told your lover at work today. YOU ARE SHARING YOUR EXPERIENCES.
Fine, your partner’s experience may have filled you with regret and made you completely reevaluate your life, but that experience should be shared with them! Don’t bottle it up, it’ll make you sick.
Okay, I know this is pretty pie in the sky, we are talking about women here after all. The problem with women is that they want their cake and they want to eat it too. They want equal pay at the job site, but to be taken out to dinner. You know what I mean?
THAT’S why it’s so difficult to break up with them. They trap your soul in a cage taunting you with small rewards like sex, or going to bed early, but all the while knowing that it’ll be cheaper to keep her. Take, for example, the following story.
A Polish woman is facing three years in prison after she removed all of her ex-boyfriend’s teeth during dental surgery just days after their breakup.
“I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions,” Anna Mackowiak, 34, told the Austrian Times. “But when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a bastard’ and decided to take all his teeth out.”
Marek Olszewski, 45, reportedly showed up at Mackowiak’s dental office complaining of toothache just days after he broke up with her. She then allegedly gave him a “heavy dose” of anesthetic, locked the door and began removing all of his teeth one at a time.
How absolutely selfish must someone be to pull someone’s teeth out? But don’t get me wrong, I partially blame the fellow involved here as well. Had he the proper amount of mistrust in women, he never would have spoken to his ex again, let alone ask her to perform dental surgery. Also, Polish joke.
Perhaps Marek felt he could maintain a friendship with this woman, or maybe he thought Anna was such a good dentist he would spare his feelings and trust his mouth to a professional. As would be expected, a woman just can’t control herself from a ridiculous emotional outburst.
For full disclosure, this man was cheating on his dentist/girlfriend with another woman, and then broke the initial relationship off after feeling bad about it. This information makes it difficult for me to be too mad at Anna, except that when I think that she could have easily denied service to him if she felt emotionally unavailable to attend to his needs I get even madder at how selfish and emotionally this woman acted. Luckily she is under review for malpractice. Hopefully Poland will stop giving dental licences to woman until they can prove that they can handle it.
Remember that episode when Balki mistakenly took Angel Dust?
Perfect Strangers: Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now is a very simple flash game that puts you in control of Balki Bartokomous as he travels from his humble roots in Mypos to the big city of Chicago. As a player, you offer the game your “dream” or goal you wish to accomplish. Once you do so, you are thrust into the body of Balki and run all the way to your dreams. The goal is to collect as many stars as possible while avoiding obstacles.
Don't be ridiculous. You need to play this game.
The controls are simple. Spacebar to jump, and Left/Right to move side to side. It’s painfully simple, joyously fun, and shockingly quick. The game lasts as long as the theme song (~45 seconds?).
This game is part of the secret plot to re-elect Obama
While playing this game wont actually help you achieve your goals (unless your goal is to kill 45 seconds), it will certainly pump you up to go ahead full force and achieve those dreams.
Let’s face it, we all wanted to be rappers when we were kids. Maybe we didn’t have the recording equipment available to record our hits, or maybe we couldn’t find a producer willing to give us their dopest beats, or maybe we were just awful at it. Whatever the reason for giving up on our dreams, it was certainly someone else’s fault.
In today’s technocratic, youth driven, society children of all ages are able to completely create their own art from start to finish. They’ve gotten so good at it, in fact, that they have multiple layers of meaning, something even adults have a problem understanding. (And isn’t it the most depressing thing in the world when adults don’t have much of capacity for abstract thought?)
Not only is this video funny, but look at all the goodies left behind for us to enjoy, creating a new meaning, adding complexity to the piece.
incessantly runny nose
the frequent looks of self-doubt
BB rifle
“stink like a fart”
Mac Miller T-Shirt
Krispy Kreme
“Infinity knives”
“Beyonce thinks I’m cute”
“Made out with every girl in the world”
The punching bag in the unfinished basement
The weight bench with nothing on the bar
Moving the filter as if it was the microphone
“400 guitars”
Deadpan delivery
On the YouTube page for this video the description reads: “my name is krispy kreme. im a rapper. got dreams of makin it big.” which is just ANOTHER great little cherry on this bowl of ice cream. We all know why, I don’t need to explain it.
If you loved this track as much as I did, you can download it here from Krispy Kreme himself.
Remember about a year ago when the Today Show used my video in a clip about “Eye Shots”? ME NEITHER BECAUSE I JUST FOUND OUT MYSELF!
Did you see me? I was this guy:
Excruciating
I gotta be honest, this is the crowning achievement of my life. First there was the time I was an extra in Swimfan, which was trumped by the birth of my children, and now there is this.
The best part about this whole thing is that I didn’t even use vodka! I faked it, which proves that these television shows don’t even research the sensationalist news stories they use to strike fear in the hearts of moms nationwide.
We only found out about this yesterday because Chris decided to scour through the comments of the original video, as it reached 65,000 views. After a number of insulting comments, Chris came across one that mentioned that I was on the Today Show, so we searched and found the story. What a great laugh we had at the expense of the entire nation.
Even better than having the video played on national television, was the face I got Kathie Lee to make:
Concern followed by sexual attraction
We here at the DAPS office are proud, and you should be too, after all I did it for you guys.
Sure, this is where we share the majority of awesomeness and internet shenanegans, but we DAPS kids can also be found pretty much everywhere else on the web. So, check us out everywhere else AND in your email inbox. Hell, if you really want, we'll print out the site everyday and mail it to your house. Why not?
Connect with DAPS
Sure, this is where we share the majority of awesomeness and internet shenanegans, but we DAPS kids can also be found pretty much everywhere else on the web. So, check us out everywhere else AND in your email inbox. Hell, if you really want, we'll print out the site everyday and mail it to your house. Why not?