Archive for the You're Doing it Wrong category

Posted on Feb 08, 2010 by Carlo — From the Web / Movies & TV / You're Doing it Wrong — No comments

You’re Doing it Wrong: Making Superbowl Commercials

If you are anything like me, then you could care less about the Super Bowl, or it’s commercials, but since you live in a male-dominated, sports-centric world you decide to get over it and watch.

Most of the commercials, as expected, were major stinkers. Some were awesome, like the Doritos samurai armor dude, and the popcorn + nuts commercial. As usual, the most aggravating commercials were GoDaddy’s.

A brief preface on GoDaddy:
GoDaddy really sucks. Their domain prices are no more or less expensive than any other domain registrar. They do offer more suffixes (.tv, .info, etc) but who the fuck needs a .tv domain??? On top of, literally, par domain registration services, they offer the absolute worst hosting experience ever. I would recommend anyone using them to switch immediately. also this: nodaddy.com

With all that said, their Super Bowl commercials suck huge dong. They hire some 8/10 hot chick to take her shirt off, but then cut away, prompting you to visit their site for the “Internet Only, Uncensored” version. UGH. Here’s the formula: Any fucking scenario where a woman and someone else (most recently it’s the hardly interesting Danica Patrick) can talk. Then at the end the woman starts taking her clothes off. RISQUÉ!

Since GoDaddy is a click-hungry-need-machine, you can’t embed the “unrated” version, so I spent 12 minutes watching all the commercials from this year on the godaddy site and saw not one single boob. What a let down!!!

I also saw this:

YOU MIGHT WIN A DUMB PHONE!

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Posted on Feb 01, 2010 by Carlo — From the Web / You're Doing it Wrong — No comments

You’re Doing it Wrong: Ruling the Internet

Okay, I know you don’t really think you are “good” at the internet. Odds are, your little brother or cousin gets you all your bootlegs and you still use aol for email (and news). You might use google to find something, but odds are you are just typing “facebook.com” into the search bar.

Well, did you ever wonder how to be good at the internet? Ever fantasize about using the internet as a tool to make millions of dollars? Well look no further.

Mayor of the Internet

Call me a newfag, but I’ve never seen this site before. This is brilliant! (Do you know why yet? Of course not! I didn’t tell you!!!)

The Mayor of the Internet is a global honorary position often considered to be among the most prestigious, acclaimed and desired jobs in the world.  Reserved exclusively for those with impeccable honesty, integrity, business ethics and professionalism, the coveted title commands power, authority and respect throughout the globe. As such, nominations of those with obvious character flaws will not be approved.

DID YOU READ THAT??? Well if you STILL don’t get it, look at this completely un doctored info graphic I found on a the site:

See the name of that graph? “HIGH PRESTIGE CAREERS” it’s like the “Eat my dick list” for adults.

Now you, greenhorn of the web, might ask yourself, maybe aloud, “How can I attain such a Career? How do I oust the current Mayor of the Internet?“

Look no further than the website’s nomination page:

The one-time nomination fee is the only cost associated with being selected as the Mayor Of The Internet. In the event that a qualified successor has not been identified by the completion of a nominee’s term, the existing Mayor shall continue in the honorary position for free until a suitable successor is located. Should a candidate not be approved by our Mayoral selection panel, the nomination fee will promptly be refunded in full.

And they take paypal!!! (a sure sign of a trusted merchant.)

25¢ a day for two years!!! This might actually be worth doing. (provided your picture is rad as shit.

PS: for an added bonus, see all the images of the the past Mayors of the Internet by looking inside the site’s images directory! (SEEKRET INTERNET SKILLZ SON)

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Posted on Jan 18, 2010 by Carlo — Featured / You're Doing it Wrong — No comments

You’re Doing it Wrong: Understanding Martin Luther King Jr

Happy Martin Luther King Jr day everyone.

In case you didn’t know about MLK (as he bro’s call him, I’m his bro) here are the first two paragraphs I copied and pasted from wikipedia.

Martin Luther King, Jr. (January 15, 1929 – April 4, 1968) was an American clergyman, activist and prominent leader in theAmerican civil rights movement. His main legacy was to secure progress on civil rights in the United States, and he has become a human rights icon: King is recognized as a martyr by two Christian churches.[1] A Baptist minister,[2] King became a civil rights activist early in his career. He led the 1955 Montgomery Bus Boycott and helped found the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957, serving as its first president. King’s efforts led to the 1963 March on Washington, where King delivered his “I Have a Dream” speech. There, he raised public consciousness of the civil rights movement and established himself as one of the greatest orators in U.S. history.

In 1964, King became the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to end racial segregation and racialdiscrimination through civil disobedience and other non-violent means. By the time of his death in 1968, he had refocused his efforts on ending poverty and opposing the Vietnam War, both from a religious perspective. King was assassinated on April 4, 1968, in Memphis, Tennessee. He was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1977 and Congressional Gold Medal in 2004; Martin Luther King, Jr. Day was established as a U.S. national holiday in 1986.

Okay. Now that we all know what a kewl dood he is, let’s take a look at some of the words he spoke, and those who really got it. You may be surprised by the result. (Just to let y’all know, all these quotes came from BrainyQuote.)

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Posted on Jan 11, 2010 by Carlo — You're Doing it Wrong — 1 comment

You’re Doing it Wrong: Looking for Porn with Google

Okay, I kind of tricked you, but not really. Let me explain…

A few days ago, I had a conversation with Editor Chris about how people are morons and can’t use google properly. Then just this morning Editor Drew prompted me to provide tips on finding porn. So I am giving you a brief, but excellent, run through of how to look for porn using google.

Now we all know that you can just turn off the SafeSearch feature and pretty much search any term ever and find SOME sort of porn. But what if you wanted to really fine tune your porn search? Take a look.

If you are looking for, lets say, Anal/Foot fetish porn here is what you would enter into the search:

"anal" + "foot fetish"

See what I did there? I isolated the specific terms in quotation marks and ensured that each result would have both terms by linking them with a +.

Now you could also use “and” for a similar result set.  On the flipside, “or” would provide a search for both, but not in the same result. For instance, if I searched “fisting” or “machines” I would get all the results with “fisting” along with all the results for “machines” but not a result for “fisting machines“.

Now let’s say you are looking for upskirts without any annoying panties in the shot.

screencap 2010-01-11 at 2.08.03 PM

Now this search returns anything that is an upskirt, but removes anything labeled with “panties” or “panty”. I didn’t need to wrap the terms in quotation marks because they are single word terms.

Let’s say you have a favorite site, but don’t feel like slogging through page after page of annoying popups and crap. Well you could do something like this:

screencap 2010-01-11 at 2.24.22 PM

Basically the “site:” parameter searches for the defined terms within the site mentioned. Google is really awesome!!!

Well now you should be able to pretty much find anything you’ll ever want on the internet. Enjoy!

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Posted on Jan 04, 2010 by Carlo — Science / Sex / You're Doing it Wrong — 9 comments

You’re Doing it Wrong: Not Pleasing a Woman Sexually

Today I found something a little off the beaten path, but it led me to an epiphany of epic proportions. MEN ARE DOING IT WRONG (notice the wordplay, for I am a genius).

The G-spot ‘doesn’t appear to exist’, say researchers
The elusive erogenous zone said to exist in some women may be a myth, say researchers who have hunted for it.
Their study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine is the biggest yet, involving 1,800 women, and it found no proof.
The King’s College London team believe the G-spot may be a figment of women’s imagination, encouraged by magazines and sex therapists.

The G-spot ‘doesn’t appear to exist’, say researchers

The elusive erogenous zone said to exist in some women may be a myth, say researchers who have hunted for it.

Their study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine is the biggest yet, involving 1,800 women, and it found no proof.

The King’s College London team believe the G-spot may be a figment of women’s imagination, encouraged by magazines and sex therapists.

from BBC News

W. T. F.

gspot

For so many countless years we (all men. ever.) have been trying WAY too hard to please women. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! SCIENCE SAYS SO!

How dare women (and their magazines) create an impossible standard for men to live up to? We never did that to women………

Anywho, we, as a sex, have been doing it wrong. So here’s my proposed solution; when having sex with a women, don’t even try to please her. Let her know that you are reclaiming sex for what it was intended as, a procreational activity that rewards the primary contributor  for his efforts. The satisfaction that women get is birthing the fruit of our seed. If that isn’t enough, they can rest assured that we enjoyed the act. After all, a woman’s primary function should be only to please men amirite?

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Posted on Dec 28, 2009 by Carlo — Bizarre / Sex / You're Doing it Wrong — No comments

You’re Doing it Wrong: Being a Creepy Pervert

If you are like the people I know, you pride yourself on your ability to be a creepy pervert. But how good at it are you, really? I’m sure a poorly timed dirty joke does well, or even a moan when you pass the local elementary school will get a few chuckles, but I’m talking about the big leagues here. SERIOUS PERVY STATUS.

My mother sent me this link to the Telegraph showing me, and subsequently the world, a true P.I.M.P. (pervert in the middle of public?) This dude truly raises the bar.

Police hunt supermarket bottom sniffer
Police are hunting a man who carried out what they describe as ‘bizarre’ sexual assaults after he repeatedly knelt down behind a shelf stacker to smell his bum.

LOL BUM.


sorry for any advertising…

To all you amateur creeps out there, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Ya’ll need to step yo dicks up.

sidenote: I really can’t figure out what was so illegal? He sniffed a butt a few times, is that really a crime? I mean Sexual Assault? COME ON.

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Posted on Dec 21, 2009 by Carlo — Music / You're Doing it Wrong — No comments

You’re Doing it Wrong: Freestyle Rapping

I got an email today posing a question.

Well, because I have a brain, I knew the answer right away, Method Man is just better. But I am aware that there are a lot of kids running around right now talking drake up real big and hating on Meth.

The links provided in the email are of each rapper freestyling on a radio station. Very, very interesting stuff.

Here is Drake on Hot97. Shame on Funkmaster Flex IMO.

Here is Method Man on AList Radio

Now lets just be real. I’m not a romantic. I know that 9/10 freestyles you hear anywhere are pre-written, but help create the illusion. Spitting whatever is written on a blackberry is whack. Method Man did the work to remember what he had. Drake was just lazy.

From the Lord and Savior Wikipedia

Freestyle rap commonly refers to rap lyrics which are improvised through acapella or with instrumental beats, i.e. performed with few or no previously composed lyrics, off the top of the head[1][2][3][4][5]. It is similar to other improvisational music such as jazz – Myka 9 of Freestyle Fellowship describes it as being “like a jazz solo”[6] where there is a lead saxophonist acting as the improviser and the rest of the band providing the beat. Rap battles are sometimes improvised in this way[7].
Originally, in Old School Hip-Hop, the term ‘freestyle’ referred to a pre-written rap verse that was not on any particular subject matter and was just written for the purpose of demonstrating skill[8]. The term is still occasionally used in this way, though the majority of today’s artists use it to mean improvised rapping[1].

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Posted on Dec 14, 2009 by Carlo — You're Doing it Wrong — 1 comment

You’re Doing it Wrong: Wrapping Gifts

Let’s face it, during the holidays you’re a human credit card. Not only do you have to buy these fucking ingrates shit they don’t need, you also have to wrap it, continuing the charade. (didn’t they tell you what they wanted?)

Now if you are anything like me, you can’t wrap a gift for shit. Fortunately, I’m able to maintain meaningful relationships, so I make my girlfriend do it. But I’m all about helping others, so here is some chick telling you how to wrap gifts professionally.

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