So I’ve owned an xBox 360 Elite for a week now (thank you Black Friday) and that means it time to point out some of its many flaws. Although it can do a number of other things also, I’m only going to be focusing on the unit as a video game console.
NOISE:
Every time I play a game, the entire time I play the game, the freaking dvd drive sounds like its a plane taking off.
CONTROLLER:
I realize its a power saving feature, but the wireless controller shuts off way too quickly when you set it down for a few moments. In this past week, its happened to me 5 times.
XBOX LIVE:
I’ve only been playing one game so far, so I could be wrong about this, but the xBox Live servers seem to be unstable. I’ve played less then 10 hours of multiplayer on Modern Warfare 2 and at least 6 times I’ve just been randomly disconnected in the middle of a death match.
Originating in Philly, they noticed the heavy traffic due to people going out to shop and named it “Black Friday”. Retailers also would go from being “in the red” (debt) to being “in the black” (back on track). Lastly, people call this day Black Friday because of the blinding headaches one gets while dealing with the crowds, sales, mean people and traffic. Thanks to the Macy’s Day Parade ending with Santa Clause many people subconsciously decided that it was the kick off to the holiday shopping season, the retailers followed.
Only in recent years the people who watch consumer trends found that most people start shopping about a month before the December holidays (or the night before)… and they started to capitalize on this this magic day back in the 1960’s to do super sales on that day to drive consumers out of their little minds and aggravate the hell out of everyone else.
Is it really worth it though?
With everyone else having the same idea, at the same time… you’re stuck with getting up at the ass crack of dawn – no amount of coffee or preparation can get you in gear for the day of aggravation. Good thing Fat America is still full from Thanksgiving the day before, so you wont have to stop for lunch while you shop.
The lines during Black Friday are worse than amusement park lines because its usually cold enough outside to need a jacket. But that is only the beginning because the stores pump heat (when people are uncomfortable they tend to leave the space quicker), the shopping zombie predators are out in masses (they will fight and haggle if you have what they want), they blast holiday music (same reason they keep the stores hot;circulate customers) and you’ve got to hold stuff… usually bulky stuff… because you brought a list; a game plan to try and “get in, get out” so you can move on to the next store and person on the list. Well, the “smart ones” bring a list.
So there you are, hot, aggravated, and fighting some lady tooth and nail for the last mini Ed Hardy perfume for a stocking stuffer …trying to figure out the bestest, most expensive thing for the person on your list, because you know the amount of money transfers to how much you love them.
Your “loved ones” aren’t happy until they get their undeserving hands on some meaningless item that will make them momentarily happy but in the end it’ll be unsatisfying and get tossed aside after a few short weeks. (But you can’t get mad, ’tis the season! JOY!) But surprise, surprise, the THING they want is what everyone else wants because advertisements have brainwashed the masses to think they NEED MUST HAVE OMGZ whatever piece of junk they are promoting.
The companies don’t ship enough inventory on purpose so stores are sold out and back ordered till the day before your holiday. Suddenly your life turns into a hunt for Turbo Man and you’re Arnold Swartzenager… you’re ready to beg, borrow, and buy off the last person who got the Turbo Man/Wii System/Tickle Me Elmo/Guitar Hero for double the price. (I hear this year “Modern Warfare II is like Twilight for straight men.”) This year, THE kid toy to have is a Zhu Zhu Pet. Back in the day people would literally KILL SOMEONE for a Cabbage Patch Doll, do you love your kid that much?
Before I further reveal myself as an Anti-Consumerist and a Hypocrite (after all, I do work in retail… but that doesn’t mean I can’t hate it! gr!!) I say Fuck it, I’ll wait till Cyber Monday to do any necessary shopping.
The term Cyber Monday refers to the Monday immediately following Black Friday, the ceremonial kick-off of the holiday online shopping season in the United States between Thanksgiving and Christmas. [1] Whereas Black Friday is associated with traditional brick-and-mortar stores, “Cyber Monday” symbolizes a busy day for online retailers. The premise was that consumers would return to their offices after the Black Friday weekend, making purchases online that they were not able to make in stores. Although that idea has not survived the test of time, Cyber Monday has evolved into a significant marketing event, sponsored by the National Retail Federation’s Shop.org division, in which online retailers offer low prices and promotions.
What is your game plan for the shopping season? Are you done already, how did your rape and pillaging go?
I’m planning on keeping this as short as possible, my entire argument can be seen just by looking at the photos I’ve collected. And really on the internet that’s the way it should be, short and sweet.
Before I go any further, I do eat fast food just like most people. But honestly I also hate it and here’s why: IT’S FUCKING GROSS. PERIOD. The food you see in both print and tv ads always looks fantastic, but what you get when you order it isn’t ever good. Soggy, misshapen buns, wilting lettuces and grade C beef. There is nothing appetizing about any of that.
Burger King Whopper as they advertise it:
Burger King Whopper as you get it:
McDonald’s Big Mac as they advertise it:
McDonald’s Big Mac as you get it:
Subway Meatball Sub as they advertise it:
Subway Meatball Sub as you get it:
Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheese Burger as they advertise it:
Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheese Burger as you get it:
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw up. I had to look at way too many of these nasty photos today. I don’t think I’m going to be eating fast food any time soon, at least not for a few weeks.
I’m sick and tired of everyone riding this guy’s ego. He thinks he’s so snarky with his pulled clips and funny graphics and “reporters” live on the scene and interviews. Well, actually, those things are funny. So much so that they make up for John Stewart being as dull as a doorknob.
When Jon Stewart cuts to a graphic or clip = Funny.
When Jon Stewart cuts to someone else in-studio = Funny.
When Jon Stewart tells a joke = BOMB proceeded by him scrambling to make up for it with weird gestures and noises that elicit small pity applause from the crowd.
Don’t even get me started on his interviews. Pure, Grade-A Fluff. The interview segment on The Daily Show has always been weak because it’s fairly short, the guests have just enough time to plug their whatever and get the fuck out of there, and Jon Stewart COULD be using that six mins to crack wise but instead kisses ass.
Also, what’s with that phoney balogna name change, Mr. John Stuart Leibowitz? Hiding something? Don’t want people to know you’re Jewish? What’s your motive?
Does anybody know why we dress up for Halloween every year? Anybody? Okay fine, here; we wear masks and costumes during Halloween to blend in with spirits that are passing to the beyond. I don’t actually mind this! I think it’s kind of cool, and a very unique way for kids (read: KIDS) to have fun for a day. Things have, however, changed since the days of ole…
What I do mind is how this tradition turned into knocking on strangers’ doors and asking for handouts. What better way to try roofalin for the first time? Halloween is only second to Christmas on the list of “Holidays That Have Been Bastardized.” I think it’s safe to say that modern-day Halloween can be defined as the holiday where kids dress up as super heroes and princesses, and adults roam in the city hammered off of their face while wearing a penis costume.
There is absolutely no indication of tradition left in this poor, soulless holiday. The only thing that upsets me more than the lack of history involved is the fact that hardly anyone asks “Hey, why do we dress up like Fred Flintstone and Bruno on the last day of October?” People just simply and mindlessly go with it! If anything, the spirits we’re warding off are gonna join the party. Not that they’d be unwelcome, I’m sure one of these “frightening” chicks on a float in the Village would go with it.
Listen, I know you’re all gonna go to your stupid Halloween parties anyway, and you’re all gonna wear your stupid male-female electric socket outfits, and do body shots off of the chick dressed as Ariel from the stupid Little Mermaid (I can’t blame you there), I’m just asking you to read up on your holidays before you go celebrating it. Which you won’t do anyway, so have a good Halloween.
Two weeks ago, The Lobster man wrote a Why What You Love Sucks on my favorite television show, “Seinfeld”. Since it angered a lot of people, I figured what better way to target the other side of this debate is to write one on “Friends” . It is Seinfelds polar opposite, and I think it stinks!
Lets start with the women. Rachel Green, Monica Geller and Phoebe Buffay. You can’t possibly tell me that these women are this friggin hot and not in a steady relationship? Look at them! Rachel has a banging body and great hair, Jennifer Aniston, Monica has a beautiful face, Courteney Cox, and Phoebe is tall and skinny, Lisa Kudrow. If any of these women really lived in Manhattan, they would have been husbanded up a long time ago.
But the men in this show, aren’t the best grapes on the vine. Only one, Matt LeBlanc’s character, Joey Tribbiani, is a head turner. The other two are Dr. Ross Geller, David Schwimmer, and Chandler Bing, Matthew Perry. Although Joey is pretty good looking, he has no other good quality. He is a struggling actor with no brains at all. Ross is a Paleontologist but is not that good looking. Is this irony? And besides, he reminds me of my geeky ex-boyfriend. Also, I would never date anyone with the last name Bing.
The tag line plot of this show is, “The lives, loves, and laughs of six young friends living in Manhattan.” Doesn’t that sound so boring? Why are they always in that ugly looking coffee shop? Couldn’t you think of something better, like a diner?
And the guys apartment is so ugly! Who decorated it? A high school gym teacher? It looks like the inside of a locker room!
But look at the women’s decorations inside their apartment, it looks so cozy.
Here’s a clip of this terrible show for you all to remind us of why this show was canceled.
Why would anyone want to be ahead of the curve and give EVERYONE inalienable rights? It’s straight-up crazy talk.
This all started with the Civil War. “Progress” for the South meant that they seceded from the Union. Only to be brought back into the Union after countless Americans had died. Attempting “Progress” literally took America into a 360 degree turn, minus a few million Americans.
Without going too much into it, one example is slavery. We all know how that turned out:
Then there are the gays, who I don’t have any problem with, except that they are the opposite of evolution. Without being able to create new life and with the growing rate of gays in America growing by the day, we should be down to under 1,000,000 in global population by 2014. Gay rights are SOOOO overrated because you start giving these fuckers “progress” and then all of a sudden BOOM: It’s diet Sierra Mist and decresed populations for everyone.
Women, on the other hand, have never needed “Progress” because, as housewives, they’ve always enjoyed the best percs in life: Getting to stay home all day and watch Guiding Light, getting the whole day with tons of free time to themselves to read romance novellas, getting to scrub the floors with the fancy new mop, getting to raise obediant white children; All in exchange for a hot meal when hubby comes home from the cracker factory.
What do you think? Has social progress truly ruined the planet? Or will we soon return to a golden-age of Americana?
Whats the deal with this reunion taking place on Curb your Enthusiasm? Well, I’ll tell you exactly what the deal is… Its the cast of an old stupid show coming back together on a new stupid show.
Now I know what you’re all already thinking, “oh but I bet the Lobsterman never gave either of these shows a real chance.” But you’d be wrong if thats what just popped into your head. I really did try to watch Seinfeld, and Curb your Enthusiasm to a lesser extent. But forcing my self to watch unfunny garbage just because everyone else watches it is completely stupid.
I want to know who’s bright idea it was to give a mediocre stand up comedian his own show, and then on top of that let it run for 9 seasons. The show was so bad it had to constantly make fun of itself. Had it not done so people would have realized just how truly unfunny it was. For anyone to say THAT in and of itself was the true genius of this series just further proves that the fans of this pathetic show were nothing more then brainwashed zombies who bought into the marketing hype and crowd mentality of “If people are watching it, it must be good.”
Don’t even get me started on the individual characters. They were all shallow, one dimensional, cardboard cut-outs of each other. Jerry Seinfeld could have played all of them in a one man show, and it would have been more entertaining then watching the rest of them interact with him and each other. Now don’t get me wrong, I doubt I would have liked that any more then the actual show, when I say more entertaining I only mean marginally.
This brings me to the bottom line, look into your hearts, deep down into your very essence. I ask, can you in good conscious really defend this terrible show? I simply don’t see how a single one of my readers actually can. Anyone who tries is just one of the brainwashed, mindless consumers who do exactly what your TV tells you to. And because of that, I will always have the last laugh.
Am I really the only one who has noticed that every episode is exactly the same? Seriously, nothing ever changes. They recycle the same punch lines over, and over, and over, and over again. Personally, I’ve been done with this suck fest like 8 episodes into the series.
Honestly, I don’t know what else to say except this fucking show blows.
Oh look, the fat husband. Not like I haven’t seen that before. I wonder if his wife is hot.
Oh, look at that…I was right!
It would be great if he had a crazy neighbor sidekick.
Wow check me out. Two for two. Gigity gigity, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
You know Seth, I liked this show much better when it was sexist and racist and it was called the Honeymooners. I hope you choke on Seth Green’s fire bush!!
26 Championships, check. 36 Hall of Famers, check. Impressive state of the art stadium, check. Fans like this guy, unfortunately. Check mate.
I love New York, and I’m a big enough baseball fan to admire a team with the history and stream of talent that the Yankees have had over the past million years or so, but the disturbing nature of the obnoxious yankee fan is too much to handle.
They have enabled me to connect the name Yankees with the word suck. This point is illustrated nicely over at YankeeFansSuck.com.
So, Why do most Yankee fans suck? I did a little research and was able to come up with these potential answers.
This song:
Derek Jeter dated Mariah Carey. Period.
He’s also about as good an actor as Ashton Kutcher, and Fords? Really?
The Reggie Bar was terrible in just about every way a candy bar could be. I also believe it to be Racist.
Mrs. Robinson: Joe DiMaggio connection. DAMN YOU PAUL SIMON!
Don Mattingly refused to shave his sideburns.
Finally in all seriousness, and mostly thanks to Hayden Miller here are Ten legitimate Baseball reasons to Hate the Yankees.
10. The Yankees honored a truant, Jeffrey Maier, whose interference transformed an out into a series-turning Yankee home run in the 1996 playoffs.
9. The Yankees retired Reggie Jackson’s and Billy Martin’s numbers. These two played a combined twelve seasons for the Yankees and hit .261.
8. On July 1, 1990, pitcher Andy Hawkins became the first Yankee ever to lose despite throwing a no-hitter.
7. The Yankees exiled their greatest legend, Babe Ruth, to the 38-115 Boston Braves. They let stars like Frank Colman and Roy Weatherly wear Ruth’s #3 before retiring it.
6. Bill Mazeroski got the key hit in three Pirate wins, hit the World Series-winning home run, batted .320 and watched Yankee Bobby Richardson get named the MVP of the 1960 World Series.
5. Yankee reliever Sparky Lyle wrote The Bronx Zoo, a 300-page whine about how tough life is when you’re earning a large salary for pitching for a World Series winner.
4. Their dynasty began because the Red Sox owner, Harry Bleeping Frazee, needed money to finance his theatrical ventures. We are not talking about hard work by the Yankees; this was Dumb Luck I.
Just before the end of the 1920 season, the Chicago White Sox were a better team with a brighter future than the Yankees. By the end of that season, the Sox were a shell of a great team. Eight of their stars were on their way to lifetime bans as a result of throwing the 1919 World Series. This was Dumb Luck II in establishing the Yankee dynasty.
3. Yankee hype resulted in Joe Gordon winning the 1942 MVP award over Triple Crown winner Ted Williams. The “Splendid Splinter” led the American League in six offensive categories; Gordon led in one, most strikeouts.
2. Alex Rodriguez
1. The Yankees have the greatest skeleton in their closet of any sports franchise ever, the team you all know and love as The New York Yankees was actually formed in 1901 as THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES!!
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