Greetings Valtrex Users,
I know it’s been a long time, but I have been traveling the island, interviewing and interrogating and I have gotten so much knowledge in my dome piece it’s about to explode. If you are having problems with your bitch follow these 10 easy steps…and you’ll probably be single and alone. YAY CARPEL TUNNEL!
1. Before engaging in sexual intercourse with your lady, always have a stunt-cock standing by.
Because god knows you’re hung like Verne Troyer Circa conception, and if you don’t work her carnal treasure she will find some sort of new and exciting electronic, vibrating contraption to rip her in half. This is only useful for those who don’t mind crying in a corner while their girl is being jack hammered by a strange neighbor who is hung like seabiscuit
2. Stop beating her.
Nothing says “I’m a bad boyfriend”, like beating your girl in the face with an Xbox controller. As the loving boyfriend, you don’t want to send her the wrong signal, so when you wanna knuckle up, a playful nudge down the stairs will get your point across without leaving much evidence. Just kidding.
3. Stop putting hamster shit in her dinner.
I know, as men we find this age old prank to be hilarious. This is guy code 101 and it’s normal to do it 5-6 times a week, but let’s be honest…their breath begins to permenantly smell like Mr. Niblits balloon knot. Am I right guys?
Guys?
4. Compliment her.
I know she may look like a west mongolian cave goblin, but for some reason you’re with her, so find something you like and let her know it…christ she is ugly.
5. Stop correcting her.
Sure she’s wrong all the time, but that’s God and her parents fault…So next time she says PS3 is better than Xbox 360 just take a deep breath and refer to tip # 2.
6. Be discreet when cheating.
She isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but when you fall asleep and vagina # 2 sends you a text thanking you for a wonderful night and how much she deeply enjoyed the gerbil play, I think your girlfriend will put 2 and 2 together and it equals beastiality. Keep vagina # 2 confined to facebook messaging and pillow talk and your lady won’t even be suspicious enough to smell your man junk while you sleep…which brings me to my next tip…
7. Always wash your junk after a sweaty, juicy sex romp with vagina # 2.
It’s not entirely unheard of. If a woman really suspects you of cheating and your 3 incher reaks like a peep show janitors mop, then you have a problem. Lorena Bobbitt.
8. Don’t tell your girl you wish she looked more like Sofia Vergara.
This is a very common happening in relationships all over the globe. I’ve heard hundreds of stories about how men jokingly say “Honey, you look like a foot, take this poster of Sofia Vergara and get to work on yourself.”
See honey? Now let me back in the house…
9. If your girlfriend likes a different sports team than you, don’t call her a filthy whore cowboys fan.
I know it hits you deep in your soul, but if you wanna keep her, giving her an ultimatum involving you fucking one of her friends everytime she wears that filthy, semen-covered Cowboys jersey is not the right way to go.
10. Try to make time for your girl and videogames.
Sure, Modern Warfare 2 never says it won’t make you a sandwich. It never lies to you. It never gives you head and stops before the great baby explosion. It never gives your best friend a handjob at your grandparents anniversary party and it most certainly doesn’t promise you anal and then come up with some lame excuse about how it’s against it’s religion when you know damn well she has done it before with a bunch of guys. WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL THIS LUBE?!
Well that’s all for today my little birds…and please will someone find in the bible where it says thou shalt not put thou rod in thy pooper!
Love always,
Sham “The Love Special-Ed-ist” TM
Tags: girls who play video games, hamster shit, reby sky, seabiscuit, Sex, Sofia Vergara, the dallas cowboys, the new york giants, tips on cheating
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