Archive for the DAPS Classics category

Posted on Nov 25, 2008 — Bizarre / DAPS Classics / Humor / Words — 1 comment — Posted by chris

DAPS CLASSICS: AWESOME FLYING DRAGONS

dapss_fullsizeEditor’s Note: This is an early DAPS classic and I can’t believe it’s not on the site!!! From The Banner November 2007. It was also pointed out that because this was published officially, it’s in the library of congress hahahaha

The land of Banneria, once prominent and glorious has now fallen on hard times. Sensing the demise of his formerly prosperous homeland a five million year old wizard named Glaceau decided to summon two young and mildly handsome Knights who rode awesome flying dragons. With a large boisterous voice, amplified by a novelty bullhorn decorated for St. Patrick’s Day, he with a slight lisp, called their names across the great land.

“Help Us, Knights of Marcus Hall, You’re our only hope”

Heeding the cries of the five million year old wizard, Glaceau, Our heroes mounted their awesome flying dragons and headed for Castle Banneria.

“What dost thou think-eth the problem be, Knight Chris?” said Knight Carlo.

“I know-eth not, but at least we have-eth these awesome flying dragons!” responded Knight Chris.

“Word-eth, Knight Chris. These dragons art quite awesome” replied Knight Carlo as they made their way to the wizard.

“I believe-eth that the awesomeness of our dragons should solve-eth whatever task we are tasked with!” again responded Knight Chris.

“Unless-eth of course, the task that we are tasked with, involves enemies with their own awesome flying dragons” again replied Knight Carlo “then we are in for an even more difficult task, than we are currently expecting.”

“However if we now expect the possibility of the task at hand involving enemies with their own awesome flying dragons, than we are now more prepared-eth than we were even moments ago before we expected such a possibility.” responded Knight Chris.

“Dost thou think-eth that our possible awesome flying dragon having enemies will also have awesome flying dragons that speak that crazy African clicking-language like our awesome flying dragons do?” replied Knight Carlo.

“You speak of Swahili?” responded Knight Chris.

“I believe I do,” replied Knight Carlo. “Though I am not certain.”

“Perhaps, though would it not be fortunate if our enemies had teach-eth their awesome flying dragons English,” responded Knight Chris. “So that we could intercept any communication between our enemies awesome flying dragons?”

“T’would be quite fortunate.” replied Knight Carlo. “And better yet, the enemies riding their English speaking awesome flying dragons wouldn’t be able to intercept the communications between our African clicking-language speaking awesome flying dragons.”

“And since both our enemies’ awesome flying dragons and we speak English we could possibly persuade-eth them to break their allegiance to our enemies and join us,” responded Knight Chris. “And in time, we could even have a chariot pulled by the awesome flying dragons which we have persuaded.”

“That sound-eth like the plot to the smash hit Snow Dogs, by Disney, starring Oscar Winning thespian Cuba Gooding Jr.” replied Knight Carlo.

“Ahhhh, aren’t all of our most novel ideas stemming from Hollywood films?” responded Knight Chris.

“I have-eth an idea!” replied Knight Carlo.

“What be it, Knight Carlo?” responded Knight Chris quizzically.

“We can sell the idea of our tale, involving both our original African clicking-language speaking awesome flying dragons and our newly persuaded English speaking awesome flying dragons helping us to save the Kingdom of Banneria.” replied Knight Carlo. “I am sure-eth that we can get Sir Jerry Bruckheimer aboard.”

“I’ll give him a buzz. Hold on.” said Knight Chris, suddenly out of character. “Hey Jerry baby, have we got a story for you. This one is hot…Okay…sounds good. We’ll get in touch with your camp tomorrow for lunch. Smooches daddy.”

“How did you have-eth his telephone number?” questioned Knight Carlo.

“Do you not remember-eth? Sir Jerry was the gentleman who procured us these very awesome flying dragons from his awesome flying dragon farm in Ellenville, NY,” responded Knight Chris.

“Ah yes. I remember that he tried to sell us those damn special edition Black Hawk Down DVDs.” replied Knight Carlo. “I hate that bloody trash.”

Just as Knight Chris was about to respond to Knight Carlo’s assault on a classic American Film, the two again hear the wailing of the five million year old Wizard, Glaceau.

“For crying out loud, we can’t hold out much longer. We have no choice,” cried Glaceau as his kingdom was further ravaged by scruffy-looking nerf-herders.

“We’re on-eth our way!” responded Knight Chris, with a slur.

“Yeah lady! We heard you the first time. Bitch!” replied Knight Carlo. “Mush dragons, mush.”

Just then, Knight Carlo’s awesome flying dragon, spoke to Knight Chris’ awesome flying dragon in that African clicking-language that they so eloquently speak.

“That poor bastard. His kingdom will never be saved and in fact will probably go down in flames within hours. For all of this morning, the Knights of Marcus Hall have done nothing but imbibe ale to excess and watch Snow Dogs three times straight.” said Knight Chris’ awesome flying dragon.

“That stinks, I had a summer house out in Banneria. Wanna eat these drunken idiots and score some hookers?” asked Knight Carlo’s awesome flying dragon.

“I know this great Asian massage place right off of the Bayonne. They really know how to treat a dragon,” said Knight Chris’ awesome flying dragon.

And they all lived happy ending ever after.

The End.

Another Editor’s Note: Check out all of the classic DAPS on Augiemania.com

Tags:

1 comment
Posted on Jan 03, 2008 — DAPS Classics / Humor / Words — No comments — Posted by Carlo

DAPS Classics: Our Trip to the Mall

“Holy shit! Run!” exclaimed Chris as a pack of wild dogs began to chase after our heroes.

“Wow, that was a terrible idea,” said Carlo. “What were we thinking?” Just then, the pack leader snips at Carlo’s heels.

“I swear to God if we get out of this alive I will never watch the National Geographic channel ever again.” said Carlo.

“You listen to so much DMX,” said Chris angrily “you should have known this was going to happen.”

“They have eaten long enough,” said Carlo.

“They should stop being greedy.” All of sudden a third party runs along side our heroes.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” said Andrew.

“Hey Drew.” said Chris and Carlo in unison, glad to see their friend.

“So what are you doing?” asked Andrew.

“Gettin’ chased by dogs.” stated Chris.

“Oh, look at that,” said Andrew.

“So how’s the article coming?”“It’s starting off pretty good but we are unsure of where it’s going.” stated Carlo.

“We decided to go to the mall, to clear our heads,” said Chris.

“Bark, Bark, Bark!!” exclaimed a dog within the pack.

“Is that a Doberman?” questioned Andrew.

“Either that or a Rottweiler.” explained Chris.

“Same difference really.” stated Carlo as he lights a cigarette.

“So what happened at the mall?” inquired Andrew.

“It turns out there was a book signing.” stated Chris.

“Who was it?” asked Andrew.

“Guess.” said Carlo as he visibly began to lose his breath.

“Tom Clancy.” answered Andrew.

“Nope.” said Chris quickly.

“Dean Koontz.” guessed Andrew.

“Way off.” said Carlo from behind.

“Drew, we ARE talking about the Staten Island Mall here.” stated Chris.

“Oh, okay…Don Rickles!” exclaimed Andrew positively sure he had the correct answer.

“No, Isn’t he dead?” inquired Carlo.

“I don’t think so.” said Andrew.

“Just tell me already, I give up.”

“Cesar Milan” said Chris with a smirk.

“Who the hell is that?” questioned Andrew aggravated at the fact that he was making legitimate guesses.

“The Dog Whisperer!” yelled Carlo as a dog grabs his left shoe.

“Ah, f*ck!”

“Oh, I know who you are talking about now” said Andrew.

“They got Carlo,” explained Chris. “We should double back.” As Chris and Andrew double back to assist Carlo, they begin to pull dogs off of Carlo’s bodice.

“So why are these dogs after you?” inquired Andrew.

“OH GOD!! I AM IN TERRIBLE AND HORRIFIC PAIN!!” said Carlo seemingly in pain.

“Carlo, thought it would be funny if I snuffed The Dog Whisperer” stated Chris “And then this happened.”

“I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD DO IT.” yelped Carlo.

“Then why on Earth were we on line for two hours?” asked Chris.

“AHHHHHHHH!!! SHUT UP, HE’S AFTER MY BALLS!!!” squeals Carlo.

“If you dare me do something I’m going to do it.” stated Chris as he pulls the offending dog off of Carlo’s balls.

Obviously feeling awkward Andrew backed out of the pack of dogs as one grabs Chris’s leg.

“I’m not getting involved in this.” stated Andrew,

“Oh Yeah, Ranger game at The Swiss be there as 6.” As Andrew walks away a dog lunges at Chris’s neck and sinks his teeth in. Chris screams in agony as the dog begins to shake furiously as if he is playing tug of war.

“Damnit!” yells Carlo. “That dog just stepped on my glasses. I lost my coverage months ago…Chris? Chris???”

Out of nowhere a dog bites Carlo squarely in the face.

To be continued.

Tags: , , ,

No comments
Posted on Dec 19, 2007 — DAPS Classics / Humor / Words — 1 comment — Posted by Carlo

DAPS CLASSICS: Cat Ladies

HOORAY! It’s Classic DAPS time kids!! This means read the nonsense Chris and Carlo printed when DAPS was a section in an official college newspaper.

Cat Ladies

It’s a rainy Sunday night, Chris and Carlo decide to meet up at Starbucks with the intention of writing their newest Banner ‘Article.’
As usual, Carlo is waiting patiently for Chris, who is currently 27 minutes late. Chris walks in excitedly, shaking something in his right hand.

“Check it out Carlo, Get this!” said Chris. “Cinnamon Sun Chips!”

“I dunno man, sweet Sun Chips?” questions Carlo. “That doesn’t sound too appetizing.” Chris opens the bag and Carlo reaches in for a few chips. He then puts one, hesitantly in his mouth. His eyes widen and knees grow weak.

“Oh my God in Heaven, this is almost better than Vitamin Energy by Glacéau.” exclaims Carlo.

“They’re good, but lets not get carried away.” responded Chris, quickly and sternly.

“You ready to write?” asked Carlo, taking a hand full of chips and putting them on his notepad.

“I don’t know man…I’ve been having cat problems again.” replied Chris in a somber voice.

“Again? I’m sorry to hear that. Is it Mr. Whiskers?” asked Carlo.

“No.”

“Dr. Zhivago?”

“No.”

“Tarryton Paws-efonte?”

“No, but he is back on dry food again.”

“Great to hear that. Rob Volpe?”

“No.”

“Then who is it?”

“It’s Samuel L. Catson,” said Chris. “He’s does this thing where every time I leave a glass of water out, he tries to drink from it. Sometimes he can’t reach it, so he knocks it over.”

“Oh, I completely understand Chris,” said Carlo. “My little Zoey does the same thing. Every time I turn around, I’m cleaning up a mess.”

“But the queer part was that I had left a glass of 1973 Beaune Clos des Mouches Joseph Drouhin,” said Chris. “He ended up drinking the whole glass.”

“That’s a shame,” said Carlo. “That was a great year for Joseph Drouhin. That Particular grape won best wine of 1986.”

“I know!” said Chris. “I had to bring Sam Catson to the vet, and now his friend is a complete wreck.”

“Mr. Tiddlesworth?”

“No.”

“Clementine Borishnikov.”

“No.”

“Sweet Caroline?”

“No.”

“Ashley Tisdale?”

“Yes! Ashley is so distraught she stopped using the litter pan all together,“ said Chris.

“I had an Uncle who had the same problem,” said Carlo. “He was old though.”

“Do you know if they make cat diapers?” asked Chris.

“I’m sure they do,” said Carlo. “You should check eBay., and if that doesn’t work…make one out of felt and bobby pins.”

“Would velour be okay? Ashley Tisdale has a sensitive bottom,” asked Chris.

“No, velour would be too difficult to clean,” said Carlo.

“Well that’s not even the biggest of my problems,“ said Chris. ”Ashley is setting a bad example for the other kitties and just yesterday Obi-Ben Catnobi erased everything on my DVR and recorded 37 hours of Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, Judge Hatchett, Judge Mathis, Judge Mills Lane, and the Steve Wilkos Show.”

“He’s got his own show now?” asked Carlo.

“Yeah it’s really good,” replied Chris.

“Who would have thought,” said Carlo.

“Yeah, he yells at pedophiles and stuff,” said Chris.

“My friend Brendan has just patented a prototype blow up sex doll that looks like a baby,” said Carlo.

“That’s a great idea!” said Chris. “You, me, Brendan and Obi-Ben Catnobi, should go on the Steve Wilkos show and share our experiences.”

“Should we wait for Samuel L. Catson to get out of the vet before we go?” asked Carlo.

“Oh….right. I totally forgot about him,” said Chris. “Oh, did I mention to you about Kate Shepard?”

“No,” said Carlo. “What is the matter with my sweet little Kate?”

“She has developed excema,” said Chris.

“Oh, pity,” said Carlo. “From fleas?”

“I think it’s a side effect from the cocktail of Edronax, Cymbalta, and Paxil I’ve been giving her,” said Chris.

“Has she been feeling down lately?” asked Carlo.

“Well she stopped eating,” said Chris.

“Typical sign of depression,” said Carlo.

“I had her on Zoloft for a while…” said Chris.

“Well there you go,” said Carlo, interrupting. “You don’t need to put your cats on pills Chris. Every time you have a problem with a cat you pump pills into them, but don’t you see you need another pill to treat the side effects? Why don’t you look into natural herbal cures for these problems and not just treat them with these pills. Your cats end up dependent on the pills, thinking that they actually work, but they really just hide the problem until the next dosage is needed.”

“Did you eat all of the Cinnamon Sun chips?” asked Chris.

“Yeah…..”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I WAS SAVING THOSE FOR CLEMENTINE BORISHNIKOV, YOU WHERE’S WALDO LOOKING BASTARD! DON’T YOU HAVE ANY CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR CATS? WHAT KIND OF UPBRINGING DID YOU HAVE? YOU NO-BRAINED GOOD-FOR-NOTHING NOGOODNIK!”

“I’m sorry,” said Carlo. “We got this letter to answer…”

“Alright fine, Let’s do that now,” said Chris.

::End scene::

Editor’s Note: Check out all of the classic DAPS on Augiemania.com

Tags: , , ,

1 comment