Archive for the Bachelor's Guide category

Posted on Mar 02, 2010 — Bachelor's Guide — No comments — Posted by Brendan

THE BACHELOR’S GUIDE: Budget Drinking

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.


OK, it’s Friday night and you want to get drunk, but you don’t have a lot of cash. This used to be a problem, but not anymore because today we are going to learn how to get shit-faced without spending a lot of money.

Step 1 is to pre-game. We all know it, we’ve all done it, now it’s time to practice it regularly. You know how this works, pound a couple of drinks before you leave the house and I suggest to go as far as mixing up a coffee cup for the road. Just don’t go nuts, you want to be able to walk when you get to the bar. You’re about to leave your house and there is just one thing left to take care of, flasks. If you have them, fill ‘em, as many as you can conceal. If you don’t, your fucked, maybe next time. Let’s go out.

Mission accomplished, you’ve reached your destination. A little juiced-up and with pockets full of boozes. Time to order a drink. For your first drink, you should always order something you can drink fast, so nothing straight, try a mixed drink. The reason why you want to drink this fast is so the ice doesn’t melt and you can pour the contents of your flask into the glass. That ice should last you two or three pours before you have to go back up for another drink. Take your time with the second one, no rush, because if your human you should already be drunk at this point. Once you finished, treat yourself to one more pour and then it is time to take it to the next level.

You look around and see your friends pounding shots to get drunk fast. This is not an option for you. So to keep up with their level of partying, you must take extreme measures. Go to the bar and order a Red Bull or any energy drink. Pound that son-of-a-bitch and start moving. If there’s a dance floor, dance. If there is a staircase, run up it. I don’t care if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and do jumping jacks, do what ever you have to do to get your heart pumping and that booze in your blood stream. At this point, your head will probably start spinning, don’t worry, you’re fine. Reconvene with your friends and commence partying. The bad news is, your probably out of money by this point. The good news is, your probably too drunk to care what anyone thinks so just start drinking out of your flasks. You should have enough in there to keep you moving at their pace. Keep in mind, one or more of these drunk idiots will probably buy you a drink. If not, chug your home brought booze until you run out or get kicked out of the bar for pissing on a stranger. Good Luck.

Posted on Feb 16, 2010 — Bachelor's Guide / Lifestyle — No comments — Posted by Lauren

THE BACHELOR’S GUIDE: THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.

NOT THIS WEEK! Hi, this is Lauren and I’ll be filling in for your friendly bachelor Brendan this week. Seeing that most of Brendan’s posts are about how to get girls, I figured I could help out his followers with some insight and thoughts on what he has been telling you.

Let’s start with The Hoe Phone. Billy from Cleveland wanted to know how to juggle a new relationship and an old flame just in case the new relationship doesn’t work out. Trust me Billy, the new relationship won’t work if you talk to this old slut in front of your new lady. Take Brendan’s advice and purchase a Hoe Phone. Make sure it is never with you. She will look through it, trust me.

On to the Perfect Pad. Gentlemen, no girl wants to walk into a dirty, smelly, messy apartment. Please make sure you follow these great tips! We do not want to see pictures of half naked women on your wall. That’s so high school, college dorm room material. If that’s the time of girl you want to attract, be my guest. The couch must be comfortable. This is where we are going to want to cuddle with you and watch movies. If your lucky, this is where we will start with foreplay. Oh and please, no leather, our ass squeaks too much. A flat screen will impress the stupid girls. She’ll think you have a lot of money, so be my guest in getting one. Also, Brendan is spot on with the bed. A queen size or larger is ideal for those nights we sleep over. I know, and most other women do, that when we are finished with out business you like to have some alone time. You don’t want that girl all up in your shit. Get a bigger bed so she won’t be on top of you cuddling.

Christmas is over, but these great shopping tips will really win over your family and loved ones. Oh, and trust me, all women know how much you’ve spent. Waving something shiny in our faces isn’t going to change the fact that we will investigate how much you spent. But some girls, like me, don’t care what you’ve spent, but how much thought you put into the gift. Remember that.

Girls LOVE a man who can dress, that’s why Smart Shopping is the way to go. If a guy walks up to me in a bar with wrinkly jeans and a picture of Scooby Doo on his shirt, I’m going to turn the other way. Please save the graphic tee’s for bed. Don’t throw them away. The next girl who sleeps over is going to be looking for a shirt to wear to bed and this is the only things these shirts are good for. Sweaters look hot on a guy who is fit. I said fit! Not fat.

Carlo gave us an interesting perspective on first dates. He is right when he says that we don’t want to sit in your car all night looking for something to do. Please have something planned. Even if it’s a quick bite to eat, movies, or mini-golf, make the effort. it will pay off for you in the end. Also, please do not push a kiss. This may turn some women off. IF SHE WANTS TO KISS YOU, SHE WILL MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. Please read that sentence back to yourself before going on your next first date fellas.

Talking to us is quite simple. Don’t act like a fool and try to use lame pick-up lines because we’ve heard them all. They don’t work. None of them. So don’t think you are going to be Rico-Suave and use a new one, because it isn’t. Trust Me.

These are some of the great editions of The Bachelor’s Guide so far. Brendan has a lot of good advice that I agree with. So fellas, keep reading because this kid is going to get you places.

Posted on Feb 09, 2010 — Bachelor's Guide / Lifestyle / Sex — No comments — Posted by Brendan

THE BACHELOR’S GUIDE: VALENTINE’S DAY

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.


Lets face it gentlemen, this isn’t one of our favorite days. It’s all about the ladies here. So if you’ve been taking my advice lately, and have a special woman in your life, you better read this weeks edition. You won’t get laid for weeks if you don’t do anything.

Trust me, restaurants fill up quick on Valentine’s Day. So if you haven’t made reservations yet, you better get cracking. If your taking the same girl you’ve been dating for a while, ask her where she wants to go. She’ll like the fact you are involving her with the planning. If it’s someone new, make sure it’s a place you are familiar with. What the dress code is, the price range so your not surprised. But please. make sure you haven’t brought too many dates there before, you don’t want to run in to someone. Oh, and make sure you haven’t dated one of the waitresses.

Now for the gifts. Flowers are a MUST! Roses are preferred but some girls aren’t in to the roses. If you’ve slept with her before, you better but at least a dozen. If it’s a new lady, a nice floral arrangement with one or two roses will do the job. For the more serious relationships, send them to her job. There’s nothing more that a woman likes then to make her friends jealous. She will repay you big time for this, trust me.

You didn’t think that was going to end it right? That’s right guys. For those of you who are in that serious relationship, you need to buy her a gift as well. Remember Christmas shopping? “. . .buy her something flashy to distract her from thinking about the price. For example, go into Swarovski and get her something there. My girlfriend loves their charm bracelet. They come out with charms for every holiday and season so you will always have something to buy her. The bracelet costs $45 and the charms range from $50 to $60 depending on the size.”

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

Posted on Feb 02, 2010 — Bachelor's Guide / Lifestyle / Sports — No comments — Posted by Brendan

THE BACHELOR’S GUIDE: HOSTING THE SUPER BOWL

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.

The NFL Super Bowl is considered one of, if not, the greatest sporting event in the history of professional sports. And in some houses, Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest event of the year. That being said, there are very few things people appreciate more than a guy who throws an awesome Super Bowl Party, and you want that guy to be you.

Hosting the Super Bowl has it’s pros and cons. For example, the food could get costly, but at least you’ll like everything there is to eat. Beer could get expensive, so make sure you put in place a strict BYOB rule. The biggest benefit of hosting the big game is if your a fan, you can get trashed, enjoy yourself and not have to worry about driving home. The only thing that sucks is the clean up after the game. Now, if you don’t like football, then eat a fu**ing dick, read something else. I’m sure one of the girls on this site wrote something interesting about their monthly cycle. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to keep you as readers, but this is obviously not for you, so until next week, I’m sure you can keep yourself busy by watching Waiting To Exhale for the 5000th time.

Moving on, let’s talk about a few things you could do to make sure that your party this Sunday is the best it can be. For starters, hosting the Super Bowl is not like hosting a normal Man-Day. Unlike Man-Day, women will be allowed to attend this party, but there are rules.

  1. They must do their best to remain as quiet as possible throughout the game.
  2. If you or any other guest is under the impression that a woman presence in the room is directly affecting the outcome of the game, then she will quietly be escorted to the bathroom and instructed to wait there for the duration of the game. When all bathrooms are full, you can use the laundry room.
  3. If you ask your girlfriend or wife to grab you a beer or food and she says “Do it yourself I’m watching the game,” you then have the right to ask her to name five starting players on each side of the ball and if she cannot answer, see rule 2.
  4. If your girlfriend or wife is put in the bathroom by a friend of family member, she cannot give you shit about it.
  5. If one of your girlfriends annoying single friends are there and is acting like a jacka$$, you can try to get her in the bathroom, but if she won’t go, scream at her and make fun of her physical appearance until she cries and never wants to talk to your girlfriend again.
  6. After the game, if your girlfriend or wife makes any comment along the lines of “I don’t like the way you and your friends act when football is on. I don’t think she should ever do the Super Bowl here again.” Break-up with her!

Alright, now that you know these rules, the rest is fairly simple. Drink a lot of beer, eat all the wings, dip, and under-cooked meat your heart desires. And most importantly, enjoy the game, because when that clock hits zero and the confetti has all fallen, your Sundays will become nothing more than a shitty day before you have to go back to work. And it will be seven long months until the next time you and your friends can sit down together, crack open a beer, and watch kick-off.

Posted on Jan 26, 2010 — Bachelor's Guide / Lifestyle / Sex — No comments — Posted by Brendan

THE BACHELOR’S GUIDE: Looking Wealthier Than You Are

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.

Before we begin, let’s take a moment to talk about a few things we know. First off, we know that the majority of us, especially in this economy, don’t have a lot of extra cash to throw around. That being said, we also know that 99% of women are evil, money hungry leaches who want nothing to do with you unless your loaded. Now, I’m not talking about all women, but this type of woman, is more than likely the type you will run into if you are trying to pick them up at a bar or a club. So if you as the average-Joe are going to have any chance of obtaining what’s more than likely the one thing these women are good for, she’s gonna have to think your rich. This may seem impossible, but I assure you it isn’t.

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The first step to pretending to be wealthy is dressing like you are wealthy. So what I’m going to need you to do right now is go back are re-read Smartening Up Your Look. . .Ok your back. That should cover up appearance, lets move on.

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When you go out to a bar, do yourself a favor. Do it with a pocket full of cash. Because unless it’s a Black Card, plastic doesn’t look like money, it looks like debt. Also, and this is important, instead of going to an ATM before the bar, try to hit a teller. You may have to do it earlier in the day, but believe me it’s worth it. For some reason, crisp bills seem more valuable to women than old bills. I don’t know why, probably because they aren’t as smart as us.

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Ok, because your an avid Bachelor’s Guide reader, you had no problem sparking up a conversation with one of these women, and now your about to buy her a drink. When you get yourself a drink in this round, don’t go crazy. Just get a regular beer, and if you must drink liquor, drink it on the rocks. No shots! At this stage in the game you cannot afford to seem like a drunk or to seem like you are trying to get her drunk. I personally recommend Whiskey, because not many women drink it, but they know it’s strong, so they won’t question why you are ordering less drinks for yourself than you are for them. Which brings me to my next point, make sure you don’t drink as much as them.

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Alright, the night in winding down and you’ve somehow convinced this woman to leave the bar with you. Always offer to drive. If you have a nice car, PERFECT! If you don’t, then you need to get her drunk enough to not give a fuck what she is getting into. If you have your own pad, PERFECT! If you don’t, make an attempt to go back to hers, or spring for a hotel. Sometimes you get extremely lucky and this woman will not only get into your not so fresh car, but she’ll be drunk enough to pay for your broke ass at the local hotel/motel. If none of the above seem possible, park the car at the most romantic spot you can think of and hope for the best.

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Ok young men, I’ve given you all the tolls necessary to complete this task. Now get out there and pretend to be someone much more interesting than you’ll ever be.

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

Posted on Jan 19, 2010 — Bachelor's Guide / Lifestyle / Movies & TV / Sports — 3 comments — Posted by Brendan

THE BACHELOR’S GUIDE: GUIDE TO MAN-DAY

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.

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Let’s face it guys, as hard as we try no to, every bachelor will sooner or later get trapped in a relationship. And with every relationship, comes the agenda of the woman you are dating. This agenda is normally a long and ridiculous list of rules and activities that will dictate your life, while the two of you are dating. There is no escape from this, so you might as well deal with it. But the only thing you can combat this with, is a rule of your own. A rule that you will put in place the minute you start dating this person. And that rule is Man-Day.

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Man-Day is exactly how it sounds. A day where men engage in man-like activities, with other men. Sunday is the perfect Man-Day. There’s football, there’s Family Guy, and if you do this right, there is nothing she can do about it. There is no cuddling on Man-Day. There is no shopping on man day. There is no Real House Wives of Atlanta on Man-Day. There is only beer an football. If you don’t like football, lie and say you like football, and then watch what ever you want or play video games, just as long as she isn’t there.

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The most important part of Man-Day is securing it for men only. Did you think just because you declared Man-Day that she wouldn’t want to come over? Don’t be a fool, she wants to invade every bit of privacy you are ever going to have. So your mission is to make her hate Man-Day. So on Sunday, when she tells you she is staying to watch the games with you, you just smile and say, “Sure honey, that will be great!” Then invite three or four of our loudest friends over. Get drunk, get loud, burp, fart, make messes, piss with the door open, and pay absolutely no attention to her. And I promise you, she will never ever want to be anywhere near you on Man-Day again.

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Hopefully this advice will help you regain one day out of the week, to have for yourself once again.

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

Posted on Jan 12, 2010 — Bachelor's Guide / Geek / Humor / Lifestyle / Sex — No comments — Posted by Brendan

The Bachelor’s Guide: Talking to Women

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.


What up bitches? I’m back. I hope you enjoyed Carlo’s edition of The Bachelor’s Guide. He gave some pretty sound advice on first dates. But as helpful as it was, the truth is, you’ve got to learn to crawl before you can run. So, that’s why this week, we are going to discuss the meat and potato’s of bachelor’s life. And that is, knowing how to talk to women.

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Ok, it’s Friday night and your about to hit the town. There is going to be a lot of girls out, but don’t be nervous, I’ve prepared you for this. Your outfit is fresh, and you walk out of your bachelor’s pad, ready to fill up the contact list on your hoe phone. Now that I’m done self plugging, we can move on. (HA, that link wasn’t even in context. I’m awesome. Anyway.)

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Seriously now, all joking aside, I don’t care what anyone says. One of the hardest things in the world to do is walking up to a complete stranger in a bar and saying hello. But as hard as we both know this is, it must be done. It is literally, the only way to start a conversation with a woman. If you glance at a girl, and see she is glancing back at you, do not hesitate because the staring game is only cute for about 13 seconds. Just walk over and say hello. DO NOT USE pick-up lines, or immediately offer to buy her a drink. It’s simple, just say, “Hi, my name is _______. How are you?” And trust me, if she is in to you, she will more than likely do all the talking from that point on.

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Ok, new scenario. Your out with your peeps, and you happen to take interest in a girl who is hanging out within your circle of friends that night. Your chance of success has become significantly greater, because the awkward introduction was taken care of for you by your mutual friend. Do not be shy. If she is in your group, you have free reign to speak to her when ever you like. Just make sure you get there before someone else does. So if your starting to get a vibe, like she might be into you, just wait for that one moment when it appears that everyone is engaged in conversation except you and her, lean over and say, “So what do you do?” One you get her talking, keep her talking. Believe me, there is nothing that a woman loves more then the thought of a guy who is willing to sit a listen to her babble about the 7 million trivial, meaningless events that went on during her work week. But, make sure you really listening, because listening will make it a lot easier for you to involve your opinions on her mindless babble, making you a part of the story. That will give you countless opportunities to make her laugh, and making her laugh will give her countless reasons to give you her number.

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Alright champ, I’m going to give you one more basic scenario and then you are on your own. This one I like to call ‘the hit or miss.’ It’s when you come into close contact with a random girl in a public setting. Example: store, coffee shop, fast food joint, etc. (You get the point). This is a tricky one. The up side is, your not in a bar so you don’t have any competition. The down side is, trying to hit on a chick on her way to work doesn’t always end so pretty. So my recommendation is, go balls to the wall, check your shame at the door, and take nothing she says to heart.

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The key to this interaction is the way you open it. You’ve got to strike fast, you’ve got to strike hard, and you’ve got to strike funny. For example, the next you and a hot chick are approaching a counter at the same time, look over to her and say, “Hey, cut me in line if I’m the cutest guy you’ve seen all day.” If she does it, look to the person behind the counter and say, “My coffee’s on her. Thanks, I’m _____ by the way.” If she laughs and doesn’t cut you, say “That sucks, should I try again tomorrow morning?”  and no matter what she says, you respond with “Well, you called me ugly, can you at least tell me your name?” And if she does, you turn to the person behind the counter and say, “Hey, so and so said my coffee is on her.”  9 times out of 10, this shit will probably not work. But it’s always fun to do, and you never know, you might be talking to that one girl who is waiting for something random to happen to brighten up her day.

Ok, that’s all for this weeks episode of ‘I need someone else to teach me how to grow up.’ I hope the advice I’ve given helps you, and remember, hit or miss, win or loose, do it with confidence, and do it with style. The more girls you talk to, the better you’ll get at it. So never stop trying.

Love, Brendan

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

Posted on Jan 05, 2010 — Bachelor's Guide / Lifestyle / Sex — 1 comment — Posted by Carlo

Bachelor’s Guide: The Perfect First Date

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.

Hi, I’m Carlo. I’m covering for Brendan this week…

I often find that many single guys I know are pretty bad at entertaining women. This is why they are doomed to loneliness. Far too often, a buddy will come to me, looking to recap “what he did wrong” during his first date, and I always end up telling them that they did everything wrong.

First, we need to understand how the first date works. The first date is totally unique when compared to all others. It is merely a test given by both sides to see if you can spend a small amount of time with someone and actually have fun. The date NEEDS to be light and active. None of this heavy convo stuff, just some laughs, a few smiles and actually having some stuff to do.

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Chicks DO NOT want to sit in your crappy car while you both figure out what you are in the mood to do. You might think “I don’t want to impose on her, I’ll just see what she wants to do.” WRONG. She doesn’t care about what you two do, she just wants to see if she likes you or not. My standard first date is planned as follows: Activity, Light Eats, Coffee, Home.

Activity:
This can be anything where you are not passively engaged. That means no movies, theatre, TV, concerts, or anything else where you are “watching” something. You two need to hang out, not sit in the same room. I suggest Mini-Golf, Bowling, Pool, or Ice Skating. The activity should last no more than an hour and a half. (BUT: be sure to make sure she’s happy. If she looks bored, get out of there and go grab a bite. Also, don’t ask her if she’s having fun, just read her body language, idiot.)

Note: This has a double purpose. Aside from actually doing something, it’s a great place to build that physical tension. Blood Pumping status on the real.

Light Eats:
Okay, this gets hairy. You don’t want to take her to a five-star restaurant for a six course meal, but you also don’t want to hit up Wendy’s Value Menu. Find a nice café, or food place that does appetizers. DON’T order a steak, just get some finger foods. You’ll share them and chat during the meal. Forks and knifes = conversation killer, as you will be focused on eating, and she will be self-concious about looking fat in front of you. Applebee’s (or any other chain place) is not really much better than Wendy’s, so you may have to do some research. DON’T Get coffee/dessert here. ALSO: DO NOT GET DRUNK. (Actually, limit yourself to TWO drinks MAX.)

Coffee:
This is where stuff get’s fun. If the date has been going well so far, you can seriously just say “Let’s grab a coffee real quick. You don’t mind Dunkin Donuts/Starbucks/WaWa right?” Seriously. You just left an intimate setting, why make another? Get out there and be a little public. It’s also a good chance to “play couple” and have some fun. (If the date goes a bit wonky, well you may need to isolate the date to a quieter/darker place. If it’s really bad, end the night here and cut your losses.)

You want to avoid getting drinks or being touchy-feely. Coffee is a perfect time to gauge her feelings towards the evening. If she seems like she’s up for some more fun, try to figure out a late night activity (this can be a bar, but try to avoid it). Do something silly and childish. It makes them feel like they are in a shitty Rom-Com.

Home:
Don’t push your luck buddy. A nice smooch on the cheek is fine when you walk her to her door. If you played your cards right, she’ll invite you in for a little game of “blueballs or not: you decide” which is a lot like Taboo, in where you have to get to the point without saying certain words. If you aren’t invited back in, don’t stress it. Call her the next day and tell her you had fun.

Okay, this is officially TL;DR but hopefully my use of Bold and Italics helped. now, go use this info and score some first date pussy!

Posted on Dec 29, 2009 — Bachelor's Guide / Lifestyle / Sex — 2 comments — Posted by Brendan

The Bachelor’s Guide: Smarting Up Your Look

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.

Sadly, there was no question this week so I figured I would talk about something every bachelor should know. So this weeks topic is smarting up your look.

Ok boys, your becoming men, and the best way to show it is through the way you dress. First impressions mean almost everything, so it’s important you don’t screw this up. Ready? Good, because we are going shopping. Only this time, we are going to do it a little different. This time we are going to walk right past stores like Hot Topic, Old Navy, and Modells. From now on, you live in Macy’s, The GAP, and Banana Republic. And most importantly, do not be fooled by make-believe grown-up stores like Express an Guess. These stores only sell clothing with retched designs all over them, and are only appealing to jerk-offs and teenagers.

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Let’s start with shirts and sweaters. I know you love you I <3 BEER t-shirt that your room-mate got you Sophomore year because you did the longest keg-stand, but it’s time to throw it away. In fact, all graphic tee’s should be hidden or discarded immediately. Don’t worry, you can still wear t-shirts, but keep them plain. One solid color, with no logo on them. I recommend V-necks because they make your neck look longer and they are a lot more comfortable. Same goes for sweaters, keep them simple so they are easy to build an outfit around. I’d also go V-neck with these, throw a plain white t-shirt underneath and your good to go.

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Moving on to pants. Pants are important, and a good pair is extremely hard to find. No only do they have to look nice, but they have to be comfortable because your walking around with precious cargo in them all day. Please gentlemen, buy pants that fit. The crotch of your pants should be at your crotch because nobody wants to see your best Slim Shady impression. I like to mix it up between jeans and slacks. But, if your a jean guy, there is nothing wrong with that. You can wear them everyday as long as you dress them up right. I recommend Gap 1969 jeans. They are comfy, they fit right and they are stylish.

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Shoes and accessories. If your an adult, your going to look ridiculous if you wear beat-up sneakers everywhere you go. Do yourself a favor a buy a couple pairs of dress shoes. One black, one brown, and one burgundy. For every pair you buy, buy a matching belt. If you are going to wear sneakers, at least make sure they are clean. And I would go with white or black Nike Up-Towns. They are very nice, with no stupid designs all over them.

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Hats and scarves are cool. Buy a couple of each to make sure they match your outfit. Because matching is the most important thing of all. You’d be surprised how much miss-matched clothing will destroy your chances of talking to the girl at the other end of the bar you’ve been looking at all night.

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Ok, let’s go to jackets. They are fun, and if you buy the right kinds, you could wear them from the beginning of Fall, right through he end of Spring. Blazers are a must. Every man, in my opinion, should have four or five blazers in different colors and styles. Go out in jeans and a t-shirt and no one may notice you, throw on a blazer and a Yankee lid and you look like you just raided Jay-Z’s closet. In the cold of the winter, I’m going to need you to man-up and throw away the bubble jacket, and go get yourself a pea-coat. Their warm, their classy, and if a girl is drunk enough, she may thin your a sailor.

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Jewelry is simple. If it’s not elegant and in most cases brutally expensive, don’t bother wearing it. So leave your Timex at home. If it’s not Movado or better, use your cell phone to keep time.  As far as chains go, they can be nice, but they can also be extremely gaudy. So either way, keep them tucked  into your shirt.

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Last but not least, suits. You should all have two or three. Suits could be a lot easier than you think. As long as their tailored right, kept well pressed, and you have some sense of what matches what, you should be alright.

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Follow these simple instructions and the next time you approach a woman, you won’t be doing it as a boy, but as a well put together man.

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

Posted on Dec 22, 2009 — Bachelor's Guide / From the Web / Geek / Lifestyle / Movies & TV / Music — No comments — Posted by Brendan

THE BACHELOR’S GUIDE: SMART CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Hi, my name is Brendan Lyons, and I have spent most of my adult life a bachelor. I’ve seen and done a lot of wild things and been in almost every awkward situation imaginable. People always approach me as if I were a bartender or a barber with questions about life and love, and I have always been successful in giving them advice. I may not pour drinks or have any idea how to cut hair, but what I do know is how to be a bachelor. The world has reached out to me, and I am here to answer their call.

This weeks question comes from Guy in Cleveland, Ohio.

Dear Bren:

Christmas is almost here and I don’t have any of my shopping done yet. I don’t have a lot of cash cause of the apartment I have. Any ideas on cheep, but good stuff for my girlfriend, mom, dad and little sister but not look cheap or cheesy? Thanks.

-Guy


Well Guy, like a lot of men, shopping is always done last minute. It’s great to have your own place, but when it comes down to having extra cash for the holidays, its rough. (BTW, I hope you checked out last weeks article on how to pimp your pad, here.) I have some great tips on how to buy those last minute gifts and make it look like you spent a lot.

First off, let’s start with your mom. She gave birth to you man, you gotta make mom feel special. HomeGoods has a lot of great stuff that you can buy her. Trust me, you won’t look like a cheese ball standing on-line in this store. It may smell fruity, but it doesn’t mean people will think you are in there. Check out these really nice Christmas decorations that she will love that are no more than $20.

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Now, onto dad. What do you get for the man who has everything? Good question. If you dad is into the tech gadgets, then Brookstone has great gifts you can buy for under $25.

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They have an awesome Propane Gauge that you can buy him so he knows when his tank is almost empty during grilling season.

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They also have this really handy Motorized Grill Cleaning Brush. You also have the option to buy the replacement plan for an extra $3.00.

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And lastly, they have a great Mini Charging Valet Station so wires aren’t hanging around everywhere. (NOTE TO SELF: BUY ME ONE!)

For your sister, depending on her age, I’d go with a DVD or CD. Find our from your parents what her favorite movie is. Or, go to Toys ‘R Us and get her something to do with High School Musical, The Jonas Brothers, or Hannah Montana.

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Last but not least, your girlfriend. You really don’t have anyway around spending a little more money on her because let’s face it, all chicks do is shop. They know exactly how much stuff is, and if they don’t, they will figure out a way to find out how much you spent. The way to get around this is to buy her something flashy to distract her from thinking about the price. For example, go into Swarovski and get her something there. My girlfriend loves their charm bracelet. They come out with charms for every holiday and season so you will always have something to buy her. The bracelet costs $45 and the charms range from $50 to $60 depending on the size.

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Or, they have nice jewerly she’ll love. If she is a Disney freak, they have a Tinker Bell necklace.

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Another way is to trick her with something hard or takes a while to set up. How about buying her an iPod shuffle? The 2G is $59. She’ll be so excited that you got her the pink one to match her pocketbook, she won’t even care how much it was!

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I hope this helps you Guy, and to all my other male readers. Remember, you don’t have to spend a lot to look like you did.

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

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