Dog and Pony Show » Fashion Fail

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Novelty T-Shirts

FLAM — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 17:00:59 +0000

We all have an obnoxious, mouth-breathing lowlife friend who only wears novelty t-shirts. It’s really embarrassing. You’ve probably seen “I’m with stupid!” or “I have issues.” That shit’s pretty lame. My favorite is “I’m kind of a big deal”. Ugh. Really?

Good boy!

If you’re a culprit of this trend…cut it out. That look isn’t cool. At all. In fact, it’s extremely juvenile. Are you 15 years old? A plain shirt will usually work wonders in any setting. Shirts with silly catch phrases or dumb graphics just make everybody hate you. And it’s not a jealous type of hate. It’s a “maaan, that guy is such a loser” kind of hate. You’re trying too hard. Put on some adult clothes and grow up.

“Hey man! I have a really huge cock!” Whatever.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Shoulder Pads

FLAM — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 17:00:53 +0000

Oh dear, more eighties trends have returned. For the past year, huge shoulders have been in. But they should be out. Shoulder pads need to go. It’s like a bad science fiction anime or a Lady Gaga video come to life. It’s awful.

I love it when a pretty girl wears a nice dress, but nowadays, too many hip dresses are plagued with bulky pads. Hay gurls, what’s so cool about having broad shoulders? That shit’s terrifying. Lotsa linebacker looking hoes are hittin’ the streets. No good. Rip em out and rock those dresses shoulder pad free, plz.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Boat Shoes

FLAM — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 15:00:19 +0000

Boat shoes are super lame. They are for nerds. Pabst Blue Ribbon drinkin’ hipsters wear them because it’s cool to do. But they’re pretty ugly and uncool. I’m not really sure why it’s hip to look like an old fart. My asshole grandfather wears these shoes. I guess he’s the man. Maybe lotsa slutty alt chixxxx wanna fellate his diznik due to his fancy footwear?

Shout out to Mike Shane for reminding me of my dislike towards “hipster ass boat shoes”.

Sick collection, dude

Typical bike riding, boat shoe wearing hipster dickhead. H8

I love your music bro, but the boat shoes gotta gtfo of here.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Clogs

FLAM — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 15:30:13 +0000

I really hate clogs. H8 ‘em. Clogs are pretty much a fucked up combination of boots and sandals. They’re so ugly and tacky. The high heeled ones are especially brutal. Why did they take off this past year? What’s the appeal here? Big clunky shoes are never a good look. No, they aren’t sexy. Whether they’re from Chanel or Payless, they’re awful. If you wear them…please get rid of them :(. No one likes that you own a pair. Clogs will ruin an otherwise well put together outfit. Whatever happened to sexy footwear?

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Silly Bandz 4 Grown Ups!

FLAM — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 15:00:05 +0000

All the cool kids are wearing Silly Bandz these days, dawg. If you’re not in homeroom, flauntin’ em, then you’re a fucking joke & GTFOutta here with your non-bracelet havin’ ass. For kids, they’re kind of a conversational item. Children get together, show each other what fun thing their band is shaped after, trade ‘em, and just kick it. It can be adorable. But see, these are kids. Silly Bandz are pretty much toys.

If you’re over 18 and you’re sporting a shitload of Silly Bandz, then I feel bad for u son. And GTFOutta here with your Silly Bandz havin’ ass. One or two? That’s kinda ok. It’s subtle. You’re wearing more than the average kid? That shit’s embarrassing. Put some effort in your choice of accessories. And grow up!

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Acid Wash Jeans

FLAM — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 15:00:18 +0000

When I was a little boy, 2010 seemed like it would be super futuristic, like Fifth Element type shit. Movies, and comic books led me and many others to believe we’d be flying cars and wearing high tech garments. Also during that time, I’d investigate my mom and dad’s closet out of curiosity. The worst looking thing in there was a pair of ugly acid wash jeans that I never saw my mother wear. It was a thing of the past…a relic. That shit was ancient.

It’s 2010. People are wearing acid wash jeans. I’ve been in a state of panic since seeing them on display at American Apparel. That was in 2009. They weren’t quite as popular then, but now, fashionistas accept the look, like every other awful 80’s trend that’s currently popular. What are we gonna do?

You can be an asshole and make your own acid wash jeans by bleaching various areas of your denim pants. OR you can be a bigger asshole and spend $74 on them. There’s no hope for the future.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Flip Flops

FLAM — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 18:03:59 +0000

Flip flops are usually pretty gross. Wearing them at the beach is A-ok. Putting them on in your own home is totally acceptable. Getting the mail, and walking your dog? Also fine. But hanging out in public with flip flops is a bad look. Why not wear cooler footwear to max out your outfit? It’s so disappointing to see a beautiful girl wear a sexy dress and cheap Old Navy flip flops. People shouldn’t wear them while sporting nice clothes. You ever ask a girl out on a date, and she comes out wearing flops? It’s fucked up!

If you absolutely must wear flip flops cause you’re effin lazy, at least mix them up and wear clean ones. Those nasty once white but now brown/black flimsy sandals are filthy. Show some goddamn respect for yourselves.

You’re under arrest, for being a fucking asshole

Shout out to @MikeShanePhoto for preaching to me about flip flops !

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Jelly Shoes

FLAM — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:00:26 +0000

Oh God, the return of another throwback. Jelly Shoes! My sister used to own a pair in the early nineties. This was back when Xuxa was all the rage in Latin communities and every girl had a pair of her shoes. Admittedly, I thought they were pretty cool. They still are kinda cool, for kids. You can find them at any major toy store. The appeal to children is totally understandable. Jelly Shoes look like toys that can be worn. However, grown-ass women shouldn’t be wearing them. My sister owns another pair now, and she’s 26. :(

Grendha (the original company), markets their masterpiece as an avante-garde molded plastic shoe. Um..wat?

Xuxa!!!!!

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: The Half Head Shave

FLAM — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 14:00:02 +0000

Times are changin’, dawg. All the ultra hip gurls wanna look super “punk rock”. But none of the legit punk chixx do that shit anymore. Y’all are posers n stuff. Even Raven Symone does it! That’s so ravin’, girl. These haute babes resemble Zorg from (best fashion/sci fi movie of all time) The Fifth Element. I don’t know…it strikes me as a pretty bad idea to shave half of your head. You’re pretty much stuck with a fucked up hair cut for a long time.

Str8 Punk Rock. My Black Flag vinyl collection is off the meatrack!

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Socks N Sandals

FLAM — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 14:00:10 +0000

Socks and sandals. This shit just makes me laugh every time I see it. Usually, people wear sandals to AVOID wearing socks….to give feet some freedom. Most of the time, culprits of said fashion crime hardly ever look presentable. Big t-shirt, mesh shorts, and sandals with socks is the winning combo. Think about how many times you run into this kind of person during the summer. A lot of men need to work on this faux pas. However, it’s not unheard of for “fashionable” chicks to pull the same shit with fancier socks and sandals. But it doesn’t matter how you try to sport it – it’s always ridiculous. Take your fucking socks off.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Fedora Hat Fail

FLAM — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 16:30:52 +0000

Jerks ruined fedora hats. I guess they’re supposed to make you look cool or whatever, but it’s all in your imagination bro. I call them the “Take me serious” hats. Seems like everyone wearing them want others to know they mean business. We’re supposed to think they like the finer things in life, like H&M and Muse songs. Fedora hats are pretty lame on most people. Like everything else, there are exceptions to the rule. A fedora hat can be a classy and elegant accessory with the right clothes. Unfortunately, most people wear them with everyday street wear. It’s a bad look. All the bros and dawgs wear their fedoras with tees and jeans. My personal favorite is the asshole wearing a fedora with a bedazzled tuffguy t-shirt. Lotsa chicks wear them also, to “stand out” and be sophisticated. It takes a little more than sporting a fancy hat for that.

Take me serious, bro

__insert shitty “punk” band here__ 4 Lyfe

Celebrity FagBro Sausage Fest

Hip Azn Chix always up2date on fashion

Tite vibes, brah

Luv the classy broads

lol

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Capri Pants

FLAM — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 16:16:42 +0000

What’s the idea behind capri pants? Is it hot out? Wear a fucking pair of shorts, or a skirt. It’s not that hot out, but not that cold either? Put on a pair of full legged pants. None of that capri bullshit…unless you have a nice butt. In that case, you make anything look good, baby girl. Luv uuuuuuuu. But really, it looks like you squeezed into something shrunken. It’s silly.

It’s even worse when guys do it. John fucking Rambo could put on a fresh pair of capri’s and look like a complete bitch. That shit is definitely not cool. Cmon bros. Cut that shit out. No capri pants plz.

Shout out to “Professional Sexy Lady” Ashley Dalle for pointing these out to me.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Harem Pants Whores

FLAM — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 13:00:11 +0000

Harem pants, also known as parachute pants, or ninja pants, were pretty popular in the 80’s. MC Hammer was the original Harem Hammer pants posterboy. 2legit2quit ya’ll. Aladdin started wearing ‘em too. His were pretty grimey though, because he was fucking poor. It didn’t really catch on then.

Recently, high end designers like Jean Paul Gaultier, brought them back on the runways. For a season, only rich uppity bitches wore them. Then, stores like GAP and H&M started carrying them for a quarter of the original price. Any trendy city whore can afford them now. It’s pretty bad. I don’t really get why it’s hip for women to wear these. They’re very unflattering. Cmon girls.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Public Pajamas

FLAM — Fri, 28 May 2010 13:00:05 +0000

Oh, jammies. This Fashion Fail is another case of people being lazy. I kinda get it. Pajamas are comfortable. They’re “nice and soft” or whatever, but wearing them in public is impossible for me. I like comfort, but I also have pride, goddamnit. You see, most times, putting on a nice outfit and looking presentable will make you feel good. When you feel good about yourself, you’re comfortable. It’s hard to understand how looking sloppy makes someone feel great. Put on your favorite pair of pants, or skirt or dress and get out there. Stop being a fucking mess. You should be ashamed of yourself, stepping out of the house, looking like a piece of shit. Save the pajamas for the fucking bedroom.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Dreadlocks

FLAM — Fri, 21 May 2010 13:00:31 +0000

Dreadlocks are effin gross. This particular hairstyle is mostly associated with the Rastafarian culture. There are a lot of fake ass Rasta’s out there. To them, being a stoner, listening to Bob Marley, and growing “sick dreads” is what being Rastafarian is all about. Of course, that shit mostly applies to white people. White people; stop doing it. You look dumb. Quit biting off a culture that isn’t yours. Legit Rasta bros hate you for it. However, there are also people who don’t care about the “Rasta” ways, but just have dreads to look hip. No. Dreadlocks look hella dirty. Wash your grimey hair, get that shit cut, and fucking comb it.

lol, just kidding. this is pretty hot. def gets a pass…kinda

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: The Man Scarf

FLAM — Fri, 14 May 2010 13:00:08 +0000

Accessories are an important factor in styling. They can perfect an outfit. However, they can also ruin one. Women usually have a better eye for accessories, but men almost always do it wrong. For a guy, a scarf should not be worn unless it’s used for warmth. Today, this isn’t the case in chic street fashion. A lot of dudes wear scarves for no reason. It looks really bad. If you wear a scarf in 70 degree weather, please stop, you look retarded.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Bad Panty Lines

FLAM — Fri, 07 May 2010 13:00:47 +0000

I really like to stare at butts. Ass is good. Now check it. Women shouldn’t have to subject themselves to wearing thongs or g-strings if they feel it’s uncomfortable. However, really bad panty lines can make any buttocks look gross. Also, it can ruin an entire outfit. You can wear the coolest clothes ever, but if your underwear is really visible, nothing else matters. You look ridiculous. Nowadays, you can get some good seamless under garments. It might cost a little extra, but it’s better than granny panties. Hide those nasty lines, babygirl!

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Suits and Sneakers

FLAM — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 13:00:34 +0000

You motherfuckers are lazy. When you wear a suit, you have to go all the way. Full effort is required to look presentable in the corporate world, or an important event. And it really isn’t that hard. Let’s be real here. You’re a bunch of spoiled fucking whiners. Cmon dawg, wear some goddamn dress shoes. Attending business meetings in a cheap suit and Saucony’s is not a good look. You can’t always have your way with things. Sometimes, sacrifices are necessary. It’s a part of life. Leave your tennis shoes for the gym. Then again, you’re probably too lazy for that too. Go fuck yourself.

Fuckin guy is probably doing this to be hip, but he still looks like an asshole.

At least the crappy sneakers match the shit brown suit.

I’d expect more from the women. No bueno.

Mr. Coach Dickhead.

Follow me on Twitter – @FLAMbaby

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Bubble Vests

FLAM — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 14:00:57 +0000

Remember bubble vests? They were totally in during the Backstreet Boys vs Nsync wars. It ended pretty fast as a popular trend then, but they’re back now. Fuck. Metrosexuals, hipsters, ghetto fabs, you all look the same. You all look like a bunch of assholes.

“Dawg, I’m freezin’! Where my sleeves at?”

wut…

“I wear this life jacket when I’m drowning in cum”

This is infuriating

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Face Tattoos

FLAM — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 13:00:58 +0000

Expressing yourself can be a great thing. But you got problems if you vandalize your face for self expression, dawg. Face tattoos are fucking crazy. And the people who have them are usually lunatics. Well, that, or they were really fucked up when getting it done. Tattoos are FOR LIFE.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Tricked Out Fade

FLAM — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:12:32 +0000

Good barbers are hard to come by. But today, talented barbers are the cause of the latest wave of assholes. Assholes with obnoxious fade designs. These haircut designs take a lot of skill, but they’re dreadful. This died out years ago because people realized it was fucking dumb. Then it came back…I wonder how long the new generation of retards will get the message. A great fade or tape up is admirable. Don’t overshadow it with stars and arrows on your head, you dick. Save your barber the trouble, and let him give you a proper fade.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Cuff Roll-Ups

FLAM — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 14:00:26 +0000

Sometimes jeans are too long, and you have to find ways around that shit. It’s a pain in the ass, and costly to get them hemmed. But most of the time, that’s the only way to go, to not look like an asshole. Motherfuckers rolling their jeans way above their ankles need to cut the crap. At least cuff the jeans in a subtle manner, dick. Plenty of people do it on purpose too. But it’s always a lame look. This was seen on the runways last year, and blew up this past summer. If you’re doing it because it’s hot out, wear a pair of shorts. For men, you might as well be wearing Capri pants. Not cool.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Mohawk Hats

FLAM — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 13:00:36 +0000

It can get cold sometimes, and you have no choice but to wear a goofy hat. But come the fuck on. A mohawk hat? Shout out to StinkyDrew for pointing these out to me. This hasn’t blown up too much yet, at least not in New York, and I hope it doesn’t. For real. Winter is ending soon, so I’m hoping this season is the last time we see these shitty hats. As if mohawks aren’t bad enough. Get yourselves proper headwear, fools.

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Ear Plugs

FLAM — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 13:00:45 +0000

I gotta give a big shout out to SIDump for reminding me about this travesty. I’m gonna get a fucking heart attack just writing about this, because it seriously stresses me out. What’s wrong with people? What the fuck is wrong with people stretching their earlobes out? Maximum gauge ear plugs gotta go. NAOOW. Why do people want mutilated, long ass ears? I’m all for being eccentric, and too cool for school, but at the expense of destroying your ears? These ”rebels” need to sew them shits up and get their acts together.

Take em off, and wax your face too, baby

Double Fail

Hey, I got this on sale at Hot Topic!

Fuck a bluetooth dawg, this shit works just as good

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: The Lady Pomp

FLAM — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 13:00:22 +0000

The lady pomp is a hairstyle that Gwen Stefani tried to put on the map a few years back, but failed. Well, it was a failure at first. Everyone’s doing it now. Why? I’m not sure. I see a little bit of Vanilla Ice in every female that walks down the street. Imagine picturing that during sex. Omfg no.

Her best Morrissey impression

The Bird’s Nest

BumpBumpBump it up

Extremely bad parenting

Oh, wait

SOS please someone help me