I don’t wanna come off like a piece of shit, but I’m way too smart/old/interested in real things to watch the VMAs. I seriously haven’t watched them in like 12 years, but in this current phase of my life, this poses a real problem for me.
The King of All Media as Fartman at the 1992 VMAs.
You see, my ‘job‘, as it stands right now, is to form opinions on the pointless garbage that you may or may not care about, and help you shape yours. So like if Taylor Swift farted and it sounded like a way-to-late statement of forgiveness about last years publicity stunt incident, I need to bring these ideas to light… but how could I if I don’t watch!
Well there is always the internet (duh). Last night I spent a modest portion of time reading my Twitter timeline, keeping up with what you guys were saying about the VMAs. So here’s the part of the post where I share what I found.
You guys rightfully hate Chelsea Handler. She’s pretty much the least funny comedian, let alone female comedian. She’s also not that good looking. We should all probably stop taking calls from her publicist and let her contract on E! run out then forget her altogether.
It also seems like Ciara, Nikki Minaj, and Katy Perry were all slutty or something. SUPER NEW!
Former Pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, Cher, rose from her sarcophagus to present the future Former Pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, Lady Gaga one of her many awards. Which is not surprising because she is one of 3 recording artists that still make music videos, and is definitely the only one that gets played after 3am on MTV.
As I mentioned earlier, Taylor Swift wrote a song about last years amazingly lulzy Kanye interruption thing (which was great, not scummy imo) which was then over shadowed by Kanye himself doing a pretty nice song that you can watch below.
Here’s the deal, most of the bullshit that happens on the VMAs are for 16 year old retards, which granted, most 16 year olds are retards. What I’m getting at is that I’m physically a grown ass man. And yes, it’s really cool being able to smoke cigarettes without needing to spray cologne on me to hide the smell from my mom and dad, and it’s extremely liberating to be able to stay up past 2am without your parents thinking you have a cocaine problem (whether you do or not), and let’s face it, masturbating without worrying about being caught just feels right.
I’m saying that being a grown-up isn’t like what they tell you in all those kids movies you still watch, it’s way better. I wake up with a sense of purpose and accomplishment not knowing what the allure to Nikki Minaj is, aside from her completely unmanageable horse ass. It’s not completely full of “having to pay bills” and “being responsible” cause you know what? I can eat anything I want EVEN JUNK FOOD ALL THE TIME!
Yup, kids. It pays to grow the fuck up and stop watching the VMAs, because then, and only then will they go away, and you will become the man/woman/manwoman that you always wanted to be.
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