I was touched today, by someone’s hand, on my body. Now, I know what you’re thinking – we live in a society where people are not all that concerned with invading your personal space, and I completely agree. Which is why when someone who usually keeps their distance suddenly enters the space reserved for the Holy Spirit – you notice.
There are a few different kinds of touch relationships that I’ve encountered. Those of people who can’t keep their hands off you, those who display the appropriate amount of contact for a respectable social encounter, and then those who can’t, or shouldn’t touch you for fear the touch will never cease.
We are all well acquainted with the first kind, be it the busty girl who walks into the bar and not only kisses everyone hello ON THE NECK, but also leans her breasts into each passer by during the evening because it’s “oops sorry, so crowded.” Or, the adorably non-threatening, flamboyant (yet straight) man who is “bff” with all the ladies. He holds their hands while stroking their hair and kisses them on the cheek very near lip vicinity for a quick 17 seconds. Seemingly harmless, he’s slept with ¾ of them in the last 18 months. We love these people. We feel safe in their love benevolence. It being so plentiful, we feel absolutely no pressure to return it.
The next kind, our socially well adjusted crowd, is everyone’s best friends, literally. Sometimes it’s a hand shake, a peck on the cheek or a warm man hug. Other times, a slap on the ass and a boob grab. Anything goes. In this group, although some of the gestures invade personal space and can be borderline pornographic, the basic intent behind these actions remains platonic and only inappropriate at times for comedic purposes.
The last group is the most twisted and therefore interesting. This group demonstrates a theory that dates back many, many years, all the way to the first grade. A time when hair pulling, shoving and kicking in the shins was a sure sign of infatuation – in a land called Oppositeville. The rules have changed slightly because as adults, physical assault is a crime, and well, unless a safety word is established it’s probably not a great plan. Instead, these people use their carefully executed distance and calculated lack of touch as clear signals of their intentions and their desperate attempt to seem uninterested. It’s along the same lines as “always watch out for the quiet ones.”
These shocking connections only need glances to communicate ones less than decent intentions and anything more than a handshake or a high-five would make it brutally obvious to everyone what was going on.
I was raised in a family where hugging, kissing and generally closeness was always enthusiastically encouraged. I can’t help but think this is what made me part inappropriate neck kisser and part a suggestively glancing non-toucher. Everyone has their degrees of touch and combinations of each which makes life a damn near shit-show if you’re lucky enough to encounter or posses them all. Who do you want to uncomfortably touch today? Come look for me.
Tags: bad touch, creeps, social
3 comments
It doesn’t matter if you believe in Heaven or Hell, God or Volkswagens, there is not a man among us who can deny chemistry. Chemistry can be used to explain so many, shall we say, unplanned occurrences. For example; you sleep with your boyfriend’s brother because it seemed like a good idea at the time: chemistry. Your parents tell you about how you were lovingly (code for drunkenly) conceived in the back of Chevy Nova: chemistry. You start a small, yet effective brawl with the chap at the end of the bar, just because: chemistry. It is a purely emotional reaction to the simply “being” of others around you. Take notice, the next time you’re in a crowded bar, how people react to one another. How men react to other men (tail feathers up, gentlemen) women to women (yes, we’re all bitches), women to men, men to dogs, you get the idea.
Having a serious lack of “grounding” and no consciousness for what others might perceive, I often have conversations that start off with the phrase; “I love you, and I have to tell you something that you might find offensive.” Which is then usually followed by: “The guy you’re dating is not to be trusted” or “Maybe you shouldn’t drive home tonight” and most recently, “Do you have a skirt checker? Because the skirt you’re wearing tonight is all ass cheeks, all the time.”
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