This past weekend a remake of Friday The 13th was released. Even worse, it did very well at the box office taking in a cool $45 mil, recouping the entire cost of production on opening day alone. This will only lead to more remakes getting pumped out, on top of the many that are already in the works. Cultural inbreeding at its best. Without further ado, I present to you films that will be remade and released and reviewed and revered or reviled between now and 2011.
Back to School – Cedric the “Entertainer” is set to reprise Rodney Dangerfield’s role. My president is black, my Lambo is blue but I will be goddamned if my Thornton Melon is too. Twenty bucks says that isn’t even his name in the remake. Maybe T-Melon. My condolences to Rodney, he’s still not getting any respect even in the afterlife.
Short Circuit – For some reason I used to confuse this movie with Batteries Not Included when I was really young. Either way I just really doubt they’ll be able to replicate the charm of the original Johnny 5. Will he even be live action or will they make him CGI? It is my professional opinion that there is no market for a CGI robot as a lead character. It is a doomed business venture on Hollywood’s part.
Highlander – I actually want to thank the person(s) who chose to remake this. Not because I’m looking forward to the remake, but because they’ve made my job very easy. I don’t have to say anymore than “There can only be one.”
The Karate Kid – Drum roll please …. Will Smith’s son as Daniel-son. Wax on, FUCK OFF! That’s what I say to the suit that greenlit this. Again with the race replacing. They have to start letting the door swing both ways. I want my white versions of House Party and Mo’ Money. For the record I’m not racist, it’s just absurd the liberties that are taken in these remakes with regards to the original.
13 – Starring Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke and Ray Liotta. I was confused when I saw this one because I thought it was a remake of Thirteen, a film about a 13 year old girl engaging in sex and drugs. Mickey Rourke playing a 13 year old girl would definitely have piqued my interest. Turns out this is actually a remake of 13 Tzameti, a film nobody has ever heard of or cared about. Jason Statham is just glad this isn’t a remake of Get On The Bus.
Footloose – Zac Efron will be kicking off his Sunday shoes and jumping into Kevin Bacon’s, and really who better to? His name should be Zac Saffron because he is HOT HOT HOT right now. So are musical / dancing movies. You know they’re remaking Fame too? Good for them!
Poltergeist – Doubts are to be had if a modern day flat panel TV can be as spooky as those old wooden televisions. I’ll be a team player, cast those doubts aside and give the studio my blessing to remake this film under one condition: they replace the creepy lady who talks to ghosts (Tangina) with Brian Peppers, pictured above. I also want a casting credit for that.
They Live – Come onnnn. Don’t remake this. Please. What – who you gonna get to replace Rowdy Roddy Piper? If they tap John Cena for this I’m gonna fuckin trash their lights. Seriously. If I spot one pair of Oakley sunglasses, I’m gonna puke. There had better be some flannel in this. I don’t wanna see any Under Armour or synthetic fibers on the new guy.
Below is a list of additional remakes being made that I’ve either never seen or had no comment on or both.
10 (1979)
All Of Me (1984) Queen Latifah to replace Lily Tomlin
Angel Heart (1987)
The Crazies (1973)
Arthur (1981) Russell Brand to replace Dudley Moore
Romancing The Stone (1984)
The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957) Starring Eddie Murphy
Fantastic Voyage (1966)
Meatballs (1979)
Metropolis (1927)
My Fair Lady (1964)
The Dirty Dozen (1967)
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Clash of The Titans (1981)
Akira (1988) Live action remake
Red Dawn (1984)
The Thing (1982)
The Birds (1963) Starring George Clooney and Naomi Watts
The Last Starfighter (1984)
The Jetsons (1962)
Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
Flash Gordon (1980)
Child’s Play (1988)
Logan’s Run (1976)
Oldboy (2003)
Hellraiser (1987)
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im black and i agree wit you about the remakes. lol. they should keep karate kid white… gangstas cant do dat tae kwon doe shit.