Greetings,
My name is Carl. Some of you know me. But none of you knew I am a member of the Kitten Anglers Association of America (KAAA.) If you can spare me a few minutes of your time I’d like to talk to you about Kitten Fishing.
Kitten fishing is a wholesome, all-American family activity, enjoyed across North and South America, by old and young alike. Did you know several of the Apostles were kitten fishermen? My favorite memories are of summer days spent on the creek with my rod in my hand, a few good friends, hard liquor, and a five gallon bucket of the cutest little kitties, meowing in the sun. As a child, my father taught me the trick to hooking the kitten just right, through the thick skin of the neck, just like his dad taught him. And someday I’ll teach my son.
I am deeply saddened by what I read in a recent post by the Lobster Man, on this very website. Titled Save Our Cats From Fishermen, it opened my eyes to a faction of misinformed, though surely good-intentioned, people out there who feel that what we do is somehow cruel to the kittens. I feel the public has been lied to about this wonderful sport. On behalf of myself and all my friends at the KAAA, I’d like to give you the straight facts about kitten fishing.
- Myth: Kitten fishing is cruelty to animals.
- Fact: Kitten fishing is no more cruel than any other type of fishing. The only difference is that the bait, in this case a young house cat, is a more familiar animal than an earthworm or minnow. God made all creatures, great and small. The earthworm deserves as much respect as you or me or a kitten. The fish eat the kitten. We eat the fish. The worms eat us, after we die. The early bird gets the worm. Cats eat birds. Cats make kittens. Fish eat the kitten. Kitten fishing is an important part of the great circle of life. It’s not always pretty, but it’s natural. Like menstruation.
- Myth: Unlike a worm or a minnow, kittens are missing out on a nice long life catching mice in a country home or keeping a housebound old lady company in her autumn years. They are our pets and companions.
- Fact: Take a walk around any town and count the stray cats. These are unwanted cats, and they keep breeding and making more unwanted cats. Animal Control puts thousands of these poor kittens to sleep every day. No, we’re not taking anybody’s pet away from them. We’re rescuing litters of unfortunate little stray kitties from an pathetic life of chasing rats through filthy alleyways and giving them at least a single day of playing in the sun. They deserve that much, no?And believe it or not, they are not always happier in human captivity. Roughly 30% of the domestic cats in the United States are owned by people classified as Crazy Cat People. The legal definition of a crazy cat person is any unmarried person over the age of thirty, sharing a living space with more than five cats if in an apartment, more than ten cats if in a house, or more than one cat if on the street. That kind of overcrowding and neglect is no way to treat a dog! Let alone a cute kitty!Cats also steal babies’ breath and are the handmaids of Satan. That’s right, the Dark One is a Crazy Cat Person.
- Myth: The hook is extremely painful to the kitten.
- Fact: Kittens are always hooked very carefully through the thick skin at the back of the neck. This is the same patch of skin by which the mother carries the kitten — with her teeth! They don’t even feel the hook!
- Myth: What about when the fish eats the kitten? Huh? What about that?
- Fact: If the hook is set right, the fish will break the kittens neck, killing it instantly. Larger fish simply swallow it whole. Pussy dies a quick and painless death.
- Myth: You are a sadistic bastard. This is torture.
- Fact: I know you are, but what am I? If you think this is torture, you should see what we do to the fish we catch!
I hope I’ve been informative and maybe helped some of you see the beauty I see in the deeply fulfilling sport of kitten fishing that so many of us enjoy. See you out on the lake this spring!
Sincerely,
Captain Carl & The KAAA
P.S. A brief message, while I have your attention, to all my fellow anglers out there. Spring is fast approaching and if you’re like me, you’re already re-spooling your reel and looking out for pregnant stray cats in the alleyways of your town. But please remember that environmental conservation is a serious issue. Be kind to our lakes and rivers. Please don’t pollute, take your garbage with you, especially used fishing line, which birds can get tangled up in. Most importantly, always practice catch and release fishing, so we can all enjoy the great outdoors for years to come.
Tags: america, fishing, kitten fishing, live bait, lolcats, Outdoors
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I just fixed my boat and a pound opened up down the block. Let’s get some pussies wet!
Are you kidding me?
This is just KAAA propaganda bullshit, plain and simple!
Don’t mess with me, Lobster man. I’m making bisque and there’s room for one more.
The Scottish animal rights group Advocate for Animals in 2005 reported that “scientific evidence … strongly suggests that there is a potential for lobsters to experience pain and suffering,” primarily because lobsters (and other decapod crustaceans) “have opioid receptors and respond to opioids (analgesics such as morphine) in a similar way to vertebrates,” indicating that lobsters’ reaction to injury changes when painkillers are applied.
Also fishing with Kittens is just plain wrong. You’d better watch your back.
I didn’t need a scientific report to tell me that. I’ve heard them scream in a pot of boiling water.
How about I put a kitten in my lobster trap and we see who takes the bait?
WHAT?????
The Lobster Man has been bullshitted by the liberal media and doesn’t know what he’s talking about. That’s WHAT.
I don’t know what I’m talking about? You’ve been brainwashed from birth into thinking its ok to use kittens as bait! It never has been and never will be! You’re torchering these animals and I am now making it my goal in life to stop you and your kind. YOU ARE GOING DOWN CARL!
This just got serious……
Proof that my opponents case holds no water – he can’t even spell the allegation he is leveling against me. Listen, Crawdad Boy, I’ve never “torchered” anything in my life, but I’m about ready to torch your exoskeletal ass. Lets see if you still talk a big game with rubber bands on your claws.
I’m on to something big, something that is going to shut you and your kind up for good. You just wait till Monday, you’re going to wish you never opened your mouth in the first place Carl.
fight fight fight fight
Do your worst, Rock Lobster. I’m waiting with my bib on.