Posts in November, 2009

Posted on Nov 30, 2009 by JaneBlow — FMK / Movies & TV / Sex — 1 comment

TIME TO PLAY F**K – MARRY – KILL: Scream Awards Inspired

I don’t know when it was aired originally, but I watched the Scream Awards last night because I had it recorded on my DVR and had nothing else better to do.  It was cool to watch True Blood win so many awards, New Moon took home a bunch too as did the new Star Trek and along with Megan Fox and the Transformers crew because the fans voted for the winners.  The awards got boring, so I turned them off, but it got me thinking of other horror, sci-fi, fantasy, comic-y, cult classic flix thus inspiring me to post this FMK.

For those not following the game so far …FMK could be torture, but it is all in good fun.  It was made famous by Howard Stern and movies like Step Brothers and it is called “FUCK – MARRY- KILL”. Basically, we give you a Trio of People, and out of the three you have to pick one to Fuck, another to Marry, and the other you have to Kill.

Figure out where all the exits are and don’t run up the stairs! – Time to Play FMK!

Women: Famke Janssen as Evelyn Stockard-Price in House on Haunted Hill, Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium in From Dusk Till Dawn and Barbara Nedeljakova as Natalya in Hostel.

FMKprice

FMKfrom-dusk-till-dawn

FMKhostel1


Men: Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, Keifer Sutherland as David in The Lost Boys and Malcom McDowell as Alex in A Clockwork Orange.

FMKbateman1

FMKkiefer-sutherland01

FMKclockwork

haha, for some reason I just imagined the Crypt Keeper asking you “Who’d You Do, I Do and Do In?” thought I’d share that with ya! HA hahahahahaaa!

cryptkeeper

<3 Jane

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Posted on Nov 30, 2009 by Carlo — Lifestyle / The List — 1 comment

The List: Things I Want for Christmas

Let’s face it, it’s Christmastime. For most of us it means it’s the season of giving and love and all things nice and good. For others it’s a cold hard slap in the face from consumerism making us realize that this season is all about milking the middle class to keep the upperclass afloat for another year. (The lower class can go fuck themselves.)

This year, I decided to get all my shopping done early. It was while fighting with a family of 6 over the last RC Car Battery pack in RadioShack The Shack that I realized that I had not made my wish list yet. So Let’s make it together shall we?

A Carton of Cigarettes
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m gonna quit. After I’m done with this carton.

Santa Says Smoke


A Mail Order Bride
I’ve wanted one of these for a long time. But I don’t want one for sex or love, I want one to be my housekeeper. Also She’ll be the victim of practical jokes. She needs to be a mail order bride to prevent her from moving back to mother Russia, or where ever.

Mail Order Bride


A Good Torrent Site
Ever since Mininova turned ghey, I haven’t been able to find good torrents for Fantastic Mr. Fox or  the new CD that came out. (Idunno anything about music.)

The iPhone to be available for any carrier
It’s bullshit. I want to get Kristin an iPhone for christmas and bump my plan up to a family plan. Apple tells me that AT&T will charge me a ton of money for new phones (as I’d like the 3GS as well). AT&T tells me that Apple is to blame for the high prices. I just want to buy the iPhone, and add a line. Fuck the both if them, I’m switching to the droid.

iphone_att


A Bitchin’ Beard
I have the inability to grow a cool beard. I blame my genetics. I want a col ass beard, I think they say “I’m down-to-earth, yet mildly sophisticated. Very academic looking. Fuck what FLAM says.

top hat lg


To be awesome at Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
I feel like a fucking n00b sometimes. All I want is to end every Team Deathmatch with a tactical nuke. Is that too much to ask?

COD--Modern-Warfare-2-gets-dated-1


Another Crystal Castles CD
Please Guys?

World Peace
or whatever. I don’t really NEED this.

My Winning Furry outfit.
I still haven’t picked it up for myself. Any takers?

For Chevy Chase to have a triumphant comeback
Let’s face it, Joel McHale isn’t THAT GOOD. I mean, he’s good. But not good enough to resurrect  Chevy. Geez his career is depressing.

community-chevy-chasejpg-225b622710edf343_large

What do YOU want for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa?

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Posted on Nov 30, 2009 by chris — From the Web / Geek — 5 comments

Is This How All Girls Feel About Their Boyfriend’s XBoxes?

So, some crazy bitch destroyed her boyfriend’s XBox, which makes all of us DAPS kids cry a little.


My favorite part is that she yelled “FOUR!’ which is very appropriate amidst the Tiger Woods shit going down recently.

Oh, and before anyone else gets a chance to say it…

“FAKE!”

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Posted on Nov 27, 2009 by Carlo — PMS — No comments

PMS of the Month: Families

thanksgiving-dinner-party-by-hometown-invasion-tour

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. Which is fine I guess when you are a caveman fighting for survival everyday. If thats the case, then it’s good to run with a clan. But now-a-days I can buy my food, sleep in my own bed, and clean myself like a big boy. Why keep that clan mentality? Because it’s your family, stupid.

You know the old story, kids wants to be an astronaut, but his family wants him to take over the old “family business” whatever that make be. Shoemakers are shoe makers, Robinsons are thieves, and  so on and so forth. The would be astronaut has two options, do what he wants to be happy, or fall in line with the rest of the clan. The latter is where the story ends for a lot of people. No questions are asked, no one says boo. But to pursue happiness, THAT’s where all the trouble beings.

I understand that some families are good, and some families are bad, and most families are somewhere in between. But the thing that almost everyone forgets is that families are groups of individuals. Key word: INDIVIDUALS. At this time of the year, we can all be thankful for our families. They give us that safe “home base” to go back to when the year is at it’s most hectic, BUT what if they are the ones making it hectic?

Now I use the scope of families, but this really applies to all groups or clans. When one person reaches to do more than the clan is able to assist with, the clan gets scared, defensive, and often, offensive. The astronaut will be shot down at any chance. USUALLY.

Even in the most positive, and supportive family, there are always those who are not. this is why the holidays are so important. It’s a common ground where all clan members can get together, share a meal, or a few drinks, and not worry about making shoes, or flying to the moon. Unless of course someone didn’t make enough shoes to buy a better gift than their brother, uncle, cousin whomever. Shit can get hairy. Also, passive aggressive.

We all love our family, but if you could pick our family, how many of us would have ever even met those in our clan? Likely, very few. Now to get to my point.

Since we are unable to to choose those in our family, why bother with the silly familial problems? We are all on the same boat, lets all roll together. Let’s understand each individual, and support and love them because we didn’t chose them, we inherited them. That is something special that we should all understand.

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Posted on Nov 27, 2009 by chris — From the Web / Humor / Lifestyle — 2 comments

The Black Friday/Black History Month mix up..

blackhistorytn

This Monday I spoke of Black Friday to a friend of mine who was confused as to why I had brought it up.

“Isn’t that in February?” he exclaimed. Catching himself before I could respond he quickly exclaimed “Ohhh That’s Black History Month”

That got me thinking… Why not show love to our African American brethren on this great American holiday? I say we share the love every day!

Therefore I give you, some of the best African-American comedians of all time!! (doing stand up)

Eddie Murphy

Dave Chappelle

Bill Cosby

Wands Sykes

Red Foxx

Chris Rock

Tracy Morgan

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Posted on Nov 27, 2009 by JaneBlow — Lifestyle / Why What You Love Sucks — No comments

Why What You Love Sucks: Black Friday

Originating in Philly, they noticed the heavy traffic due to people going out to shop and named it “Black Friday”. Retailers also would go from being “in the red” (debt) to being “in the black” (back on track).  Lastly, people call this day Black Friday because of the blinding headaches one gets while dealing with the crowds, sales, mean people and traffic. Thanks to the Macy’s Day Parade ending with  Santa Clause many people subconsciously decided that it was the kick off to the holiday shopping season, the retailers followed.

Only in recent years the people who watch consumer trends found that most people start shopping about a month before the December holidays (or the night before)… and they started to capitalize on this this magic day back in the 1960’s to do super sales on that day to drive consumers out of their little minds and aggravate the hell out of everyone else.

Is it really worth it though?

With everyone else having the same idea, at the same time… you’re stuck with getting up at the ass crack of dawn – no amount of coffee or preparation can get you in gear for the day of aggravation.  Good thing Fat America is still full from Thanksgiving the day before, so you wont have to stop for lunch while you shop.

ALARMCLOCK

COFFEE

The lines during Black Friday are worse than amusement park lines because its usually cold enough outside to need a jacket. But that is only the beginning because the stores pump heat (when people are uncomfortable they tend to leave the space quicker), the shopping zombie predators are out in masses (they will fight and haggle if you have what they want), they blast holiday music (same reason they keep the stores hot;circulate customers) and you’ve got to hold stuff… usually bulky stuff… because you brought a list; a game plan to try and “get in, get out” so you can move on to the next store and person on the list. Well, the “smart ones” bring a list.

black-friday-lines

holiday-shopping-black-friday-2008-11-28-10-33-51

So there you are, hot, aggravated, and fighting some lady tooth and nail for the last mini Ed Hardy perfume for a stocking stuffer …trying to figure out the bestest, most expensive thing for the person on your list, because you know the amount of money transfers to how much you love them.

love money

Your “loved ones” aren’t happy until they get their undeserving hands on some meaningless item that will make them momentarily happy but in the end it’ll be unsatisfying and get tossed aside after a few short weeks. (But you can’t get mad, ’tis the season! JOY!)  But surprise, surprise, the THING they want is what everyone else wants because advertisements have brainwashed the masses to think they NEED MUST HAVE OMGZ whatever piece of junk they are promoting.

The companies don’t ship enough inventory on purpose so stores are sold out and back ordered till the day before your holiday.  Suddenly your life turns into a hunt for Turbo Man and you’re Arnold Swartzenager… you’re ready to beg, borrow, and buy off the last person who got the Turbo Man/Wii System/Tickle Me Elmo/Guitar Hero for double the price. (I hear this year “Modern Warfare II is like Twilight for straight men.”) This year, THE kid toy to have is a Zhu Zhu Pet.  Back in the day people would literally KILL SOMEONE for a Cabbage Patch Doll, do you love your kid that much?

jingleall

Before I further reveal myself as an Anti-Consumerist and a Hypocrite (after all, I do work in retail… but that doesn’t mean I can’t hate it! gr!!) I say Fuck it, I’ll wait till Cyber Monday to do any necessary shopping.

The term Cyber Monday refers to the Monday immediately following Black Friday, the ceremonial kick-off of the holiday online shopping season in the United States between Thanksgiving and Christmas. [1] Whereas Black Friday is associated with traditional brick-and-mortar stores, “Cyber Monday” symbolizes a busy day for online retailers. The premise was that consumers would return to their offices after the Black Friday weekend, making purchases online that they were not able to make in stores. Although that idea has not survived the test of time, Cyber Monday has evolved into a significant marketing event, sponsored by the National Retail Federation’s Shop.org division, in which online retailers offer low prices and promotions.

What is your game plan for the shopping season?  Are you done already, how did your rape and pillaging go?

<3 Jane

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Posted on Nov 26, 2009 by EmilioSparks — Pipe City / Sex — 2 comments

PIPE CITY: MELISSA HARO

Despite the fact that white people nearly wiped out Native Americans with smallpox and other disease, I still appreciate a day dedicated to giving thanks for what we have and full of football and food. Be thankful that Pipe City highlights hot chicks for your viewing pleasure on a weekly basis…..

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Posted on Nov 26, 2009 by JaneBlow — Sex / Sexpert Jane Blow — No comments

Jane Blow: Avoid Traveling Embarrassment

Before you travel home during the holidays with your sex toys, manly tool arsenal and your bag of kink… I want to help you avoid any embarrassing situations you might encounter.

TravelingAirportNWK

A really long time ago, I took a trip to Florida (from NYC) to meet my boyfriend’s family for the first time.  I was crazy nervous even though I talked on the phone with them for over a year. Before I went, I checked the weekly weather forecast and made sure to pack sun dresses, bathing suites and tasteful clothing.

TravelSunDress

I also kept in mind that when they left the house or went to sleep it was time to get sneaky, and fuck all crazy while we could. I also packed toys, cuffs, and skimpy lingerie.

TravelToyBag

A guy’s dream right?  Bringing home a girlfriend who is a respectable sweet adult to family, and a total whore in bed…but I digress.

They picked me up at the airport, and I got a huge hug from the collective family, threw my stuff in the trunk of the car and journeyed back to their home for dinner.  When I was meeting the rest of the family in the house, his brother volunteered to get the luggage.  He came in shortly after, bags in tow, beet red in the face and laughing then exclaimed

“Um… your bag is vibrating!”

My heart was in my throat, my mini bag of airplane Doritoes tossed in my stomach and it was my turn to be 30 shades of red. This was NOT the first or second impression I wanted to make nor was this the way I wanted to introduce what I did for a living.  My brain scrambled for an excuse, but the bag was still vibrating. In fear of losing more battery power (even though they were rechargeable) I composed myself and calmly dove for my bag so I could find and shut whatever it was off.

Thing is, I could have SWORN I did the right thing.  I ALWAYS store and travel with my toys correctly.

1.  Take batteries out after each use and put in a makeup pouch, and keep it with my toy box. (saves money)

2. Wash toys with toy cleaner, a damp cloth or baby-wipe before and after each use.

3.  Allow them to dry completely, then wrap them in an old T-shirt or in zip-top bags, separately.

4.  Keep the glass in their protective pouches, and never let my other toys touch because they might bond together and get ruined.

5. Never use Silicone Lubricant with a Silicone Toy, and always use Water Based Lube if I need any at all.

6. Store my toys in a cool dark place just in case some of the materials sweat and melt.

7. Put corn starch on all cyberskin, vixenskyn, UR3 … and any other realistic material toys to keep them soft and rejuvinated.  (not sticky or ruined).

8. Lastly, NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER travel with toys with the batteries in them. NEVER EVER!!!

I figure if professional Dominants, and other Sex Professionals travel every day with toys of their trade, so could I.  That scanner at all the stations have seen it all, and worse.  There shouldn’t be any embarrassment in a healthy sex life.

TravelVibe

And, well, blame it on a guilty slutty conscience but the vibrating in my bag ended up being one of those vibrating shaving razor blades.

TravelVenusVibrance

I don’t know why I didn’t think of that sooner (sarcasm).  Good thing the joke was on my boyfriend’s brother, he really helped break the ice when they asked me what I did for a living and what my future plans were!

Lesson learned, I’d say.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone; keep this in mind for xxxmas!!

Since I shared with you, Do you have any embarrassing “oh no they discovered I have sex toys!” stories?

<3 Jane

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Posted on Nov 25, 2009 by Daye — Bizarre / From the Web / Humor / Movies & TV — No comments

Jimmy Fallon as Neil Young is EXCELLENT?

Screen shot 2009-11-25 at 1.09.10 PM

Jimmy Fallon is back!! Jay Leno has been taking up all the late night news with his failed move to 10pm but finally Jimmy Fallon is throwing his weight around.

In this clip he’s doing an impersonation of Neil Young singing Will Smith’s Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And it is excellent. I might have to put this on my iPhone. Let the lolz begin:

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Posted on Nov 25, 2009 by Carlo — From the Web / Lifestyle / Who Remembers — 2 comments

Who Remembers?: Balzac

In the late 80’s to mid 90’s our country, the USA, was in a recession. What did that mean for you? Crappy toys with colors that your grandparents could buy you so your parents could worry more about paying the bills.

Balzac, in case you don’t remember, is the perfect recession toy. It’s a balloon that never breaks, because it’s also a ball.

A Ball.

It was a balloon and a ball.

Watch the commercial:

Now I remember having one of these, and thinking how much fun with was. But then again, back in my day kids had imaginations. You kids today have all these gizmos and computers that suck all your imagination away. When was the last time you played outside? When I was a kid, I was happy to get a Balloon-Ball for christmas. (That and 600 GI-Joes.)

Balzac was actually quite impressive. It was inflatable, so it gave you something to do when you first open it. (Had it been pre-inflated, I think the allure is gone.) It was also super lightweight, so you could blast your little sister in the face with it and not get punished for three weeks. Also, the colors were outrageous, THEY MATCHED MY ZOOBAS.

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I bet some fuck dresses like this now, and I bet he lives in Brooklyn.

Balzacs were made out of a nylon material which made it pool-safe, and we all know how important it is to have a pool activity. GOD FORBID WE JUST RELAX IN THE FUCKING POOL.

Anyway, I hope you all remember Balzac now because I have a treat for you. Balzac Toys is giving away FREE SWAG. Check out their site and pick your free item. you only get one, and have to pay for shipping, but $5.99 is a small price to pay for this baby:

screencap 2009-11-25 at 11.46.41 AM

Also, the name sounds just like Ball Sack.

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