Posts in October, 2009

Posted on Oct 30, 2009 by Dan — Why What You Love Sucks — 2 comments

WHY WHAT YOU LOVE SUCKS: HALLOWEEN

Does anybody know why we dress up for Halloween every year? Anybody? Okay fine, here; we wear masks and costumes during Halloween to blend in with spirits that are passing to the beyond. I don’t actually mind this! I think it’s kind of cool, and a very unique way for kids (read: KIDS) to have fun for a day. Things have, however, changed since the days of ole…

gumby

What I do mind is how this tradition turned into knocking on strangers’ doors and asking for handouts. What better way to try roofalin for the first time? Halloween is only second to Christmas on the list of “Holidays That Have Been Bastardized.” I think it’s safe to say that modern-day Halloween can be defined as the holiday where kids dress up as super heroes and princesses, and adults roam in the city hammered off of their face while wearing a penis costume.

penisguy

There is absolutely no indication of tradition left in this poor, soulless holiday. The only thing that upsets me more than the lack of history involved is the fact that hardly anyone asks “Hey, why do we dress up like Fred Flintstone and Bruno on the last day of October?” People just simply and mindlessly go with it! If anything, the spirits we’re warding off are gonna join the party. Not that they’d be unwelcome, I’m sure one of these “frightening” chicks on a float in the Village would go with it.

float

Listen, I know you’re all gonna go to your stupid Halloween parties anyway, and you’re all gonna wear your stupid male-female electric socket outfits, and do body shots off of the chick dressed as Ariel from the stupid Little Mermaid (I can’t blame you there), I’m just asking you to read up on your holidays before you go celebrating it. Which you won’t do anyway, so have a good Halloween.

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2 comments
Posted on Oct 30, 2009 by Daye — Bizarre / From the Web / Humor / Movies & TV — 2 comments

They Got My Homie Doc and He Ain’t Gonna Make It…..

There’s a Back To The Future RAP!!!! Futuristic Sex Robotz raps as Marty McFly rapping about his time travel adventure.

The Futuristic Sex Robotz are a self-described ‘Gangster Nerd Rap’ group, but their music can be classified in the larger genre of nerd rap or Nerdcore.

Marty McFly as a rapper is better than biggie and Jay-Z combined. <BOLD STATEMENT>

I LOVE the comments on youtube!!!

That was off the time line.

Dude, I hate rap… but that was awesome! I gotta watch those movies again. ;P

its not gangsta rap tho, its nerdcore!

P.S. Watch these repo guys reposes a mental unstable guy’s Delorean……. MAAAAD LULZ

5882593_gal

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2 comments
Posted on Oct 30, 2009 by FLAM — Fashion Fail / Lifestyle — 2 comments

FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Wrinkles

A clothing iron is a pretty good investment, especially when you have to be out in public everyday. A lot of people cringe at the idea of ironing their own swag, but it’s really not that big of a deal. Mad people are babies and lazy. It only takes a few minutes to iron an outfit. And no, it’s not  a bitch thing to do. You want to look presentable right? You’re a joke going out with that fucked up shirt and jeans, son. Get it together.

wrinkled8Dudes are mostly responsible for wrinkled clothes, but for real, plenty of girls do it lazy too. For $20, you can iron your blouse in five minutes or less. There’s no reason to look sloppy unless you truly just don’t give a fuck. But people who say they don’t care about how they look are liars.

wrinkled9

:(

wrinkled5My professor

wrinkled7 the pretty ones do it too

wrinkled10Captain Kirk is fuckin up!

wrinkl3Well, maybe THIS is kinda hot

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2 comments
Posted on Oct 29, 2009 by Carlo — Bizarre / Lifestyle / PMS / Science — 2 comments

PMS of the Month: Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time is a crock of shit.

On November 1st, at 2am (that’s saturday night) Most of the US and some other stupid parts of the world (including Europe and Russia) will lose an hour arbitrarily.

But isn’t there some scientific reason? No. It’s all because of some fucking tool who liked bugs.

from Wikipedia

Modern DST was first proposed by the New Zealand entomologist George Vernon Hudson, whose shift-work job gave him leisure time to collect insects, and made him aware of the value of after-hours daylight.[2] In 1895 he presented a paper to the Wellington Philosophical Society proposing a two-hour daylight-saving shift,[18] and after considerable interest was expressed in Christchurch, New Zealand he followed up in an 1898 paper.[19] Many publications incorrectly credit DST’s invention to the prominent English builder and outdoorsman William Willett,[20] who independently conceived DST in 1905 during a pre-breakfast ride, when he observed with dismay how many Londoners slept through a large part of a summer day.[21] An avid golfer, he also disliked cutting short his round at dusk.[22]His solution was to advance the clock during the summer months, a proposal he published two years later. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

It’s fucking LOSAS like this that fuck everything up for us. SURE this year we get an extra hour to sleep off our Halloween hangovers, but once the spring comes back around (and it always fucking does) we’ll LOSE and hour, just when that shit was getting good.

337px-Victory-Cigar-Congress-Passes-DST
I’ll get your motha ready.

IT’S MADE UP. THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT ANYMORE. I can see what I’m doing just fine from the glow of mycomputer monitor. Luckily there are SOME intelligent countries out there like most of Africa and South East Asia (or SE Asia for you Global Studies kids).

Just that that bug herb up above did, Im gonna WRITE A PROPOSAL to have daylight savings time adjust with the natural flow of life. Let me explain…

Let’s say it’s November 1st at roughly “12 noon”. well if you had a Doctor’s appointment at noon, YOU’D BE AN HOUR LATE. y proposal is that ALL SCHEDULED ACTIVITIES MUST SPRING AHEAD/FALL BACK AN HOUR WITH THE DST SHIFT THEREFORE NULLIFYING IT AND MAKING THE WORLD FINALLY SEE HOW STUPID THEY ARE.

FUCK DST.

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2 comments
Posted on Oct 29, 2009 by JaneBlow — Sex / Sexpert Jane Blow — 3 comments

Jane Blow: Trick or Treat!??!!!!!

Halloween has come and now it’s time for some Tricking or Treating! We thought, and thought on what to give you in your goodie bags and decided the best gift is the fun fabulous ways of Ninja Sex!!

Ninja Sex: (noun) [nin-jah secks] Sex that comes about by tricking one partner and surprising them with sex.

ninjafemThe sluttiest mammals known to man!

Ninja Sex can be achieved by the “Trick and Treat Method.”

First: TRICK like a sneaky sneaky Ninja would aka Prank your significant other. OH NOES! My car broke down I need you to come get me now! omgz! etc.

(Bonus points if you actually get them worried- haha!)

Second: TREAT! When your significant other, booty call, fuck buddy, Wednesday night girl etc comes over theres your chance to un-worry them and to get it on like raunchy (Ninja) animals!

Third: It would be best (if you’re a female Ninja) to grab a bunch of your hot girlfriends and ALL dress up link Ninjas and really surprise your partner in true Ninja “Out Number Your Enemy” fashion!  If you’re a guy, you might scare the crap out of your partner so make sure she is OK with the whole “Gangbang” scenario first. kthnxbai!

ninjaslutty

This is the beat time of year for ninja sex, pranking will be appreciated and to really kink it up there are allll kinds of costumes to buy. So hey if you really wanna dress like some Ninjas and bang it out you can do that too.


ninjatrickHe knows karate…and does this great thing with his tongue…


Now go, enjoy Halloween Ninja Sex and have fun with your nunchucks!!!

Extra Extra Bonus Points if you send us pics (please)!!

What are you going as on Halloween, or What was your best costume ever?

<3 Jane

P.S If your partner is MIA or you’re a solo Ninja, then go check out some Ninja Porno!

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3 comments
Posted on Oct 29, 2009 by Carlo — Humor / Movies & TV — 3 comments

Jimmy Kimmel Dishes out Cold, Hard, Honest Abuse to Melissa Joan Hart

Every morning, I wake up, cry, check my twitter, urinate, drink coffee, smoke a cigarette, cry again, then check my facebook and usually it’s pretty much the same thing every morning. But THIS morning a number of people on teh facebooks posted this amazing, amazing clip from the Jimmy Kimmel Show…

OMFG ABUSE.

Now admittedly, I never, ever watch the Kimmel show, but if he can abuse washed up teen icons every night, I’ll tune in.

There are a number of lessons that can be taken from this clip.

  1. Don’t crack wise to the host. He has that (a) job for a reason.
  2. If you are on Dancing with the Stars, it means that you are lower on the Celeb scale than Jimmy Kimmel, and about even with a Ballroom dancer.
  3. Jimmy Kimmel is the truth.
  4. Melissa Joan Hart is like sooo 1996.

Okay, maybe just four.

“Let’s try to get past that Melissa.”

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3 comments
Posted on Oct 28, 2009 by JaneBlow — From the Web / Music / Sex / Uncategorized — 4 comments

Rammstein Made a Porno ??!!???

Nah, it is just a music video.

The MOST NSFW music video EVER!

rammstein_album_cover

Rammstein has always been in your face industrial fire blazing metal – but this time their message is clear!!

MAKE LOVE NOT WAR!

ok, I wouldn’t go as far as to say love… what they really said was:

“You’ve got a Pussy, I’ve got a Dick-a, so whats the problem?!”

Close enough translation I think, my German is a little rusty.


The boys in Rammstein took a hiatus and came back to us with a song titled:

———–>”PUSSY”. (SERIOUSLY NSFW)<———-

… and a box dildo sex that comes with handcuffs and lube “for your ass” so the packaging says.

rammsteindildobox

The video is hardcore, PIV action, dicks everywhere, and lots of hot German ass to look at.  Entitled “Pussy” it leaves much to the imagination.  They even thought of us non German speaking folks and put the chorus in English. (I found the -mostly- English translation for ya.)

To big, to small
Size does matter after all
Zu gross, zu klein
Er könnte etwas größer sein
Mercedes Benz, und Autobahn
Alleine in das Ausland fahren
Reise, Reise, Fahrvergnügen
Ich will nur Spaß, mich nicht verlieben

Just a little bit, just a little bitch

You’ve got a pussy
I have a dick
So, what’s the problem
Let’s do it quick
So take me now before it’s too late
Life’s too short so I can’t wait
Take me now, oh, don’t you see
I can’t get laid in Germany

To short, to tall
Doesn’t matter, one size fits all
Zu gross, zu klein
Der Schlagbaum sollte oben sein
Schönes Fräulein, Lust auf mehr
Blitzkrieg mit dem Fleischgewehr
Schnaps im Kopf, du holde Braut
Steck Bratwurst in dein Sauerkraut

Just a little bit, be my little bitch

You’ve got a pussy
I have a dick
So, what’s the problem
Let’s do it quick
So take me now before it’s too late
Life’s too short so I can’t wait
Take me now, oh, don’t you see
I can’t get laid in Germany

Germany!
Germany!

You’ve got a pussy
I have a dick
So, what’s the problem
Let’s do it quick
You’ve got a pussy
I have a dick
So, what’s the problem
Let’s do it quick
You’ve got a pussy
I have a dick
So, what’s the problem
Let’s do it quick
So take me now before it’s too late
Life’s too short so I can’t wait
Take me now, oh, don’t you see
I can’t get laid in Germany

rammsteinLiveGotta wonder what their stage show is going to feature now,

usually it is amazing pyro and liquor hoses in their pants.

columbine

Are their days of Du Hast-ing and being blamed for Columbine over?


I wonder if my distributors will pick up their box sex.  I hope so, Rammstein looks cute in pink!

Think Evil Angel or Jules Jordan will make them contract stars?

What famous person would you want a dick/pussy copy of for your own personal fap arsenal?

<3 Jane

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4 comments
Posted on Oct 28, 2009 by Carlo — Featured — 7 comments

An Open Letter to Everyone Upset Over the Chris Farley Direct TV Commercial

Dear You,

I hate you. You are the type of person who needs to complain about something, anything. I see you, everyday, on facebook, complaining about something you have no control over. “Bawwww my class is canceled and I work up early.” “Whaaaaaaa my favorite sports team lost.” Shut up.

This past week, Direct TV released a commercial in which they reshot the famous “Fat Guy in a Little Coat” scene from Tommy Boy. The exact moment it was available on YouTube, everyone started crying, “Too Soon! What an outrage! Shame on Direct TV!”

Are you kidding me? There is nothing wrong with this commercial. First off, “too soon?” He died in 1997. That’s 12 years ago! Also, HE DIED OF A DRUG OVERDOSE.

Secondly, the Farley family obviously gave permission. I am pretty sure that they know what Chris himself would approve. (and to those who are yelling “of course they approved, they got paid! Why would it take 12 years to cash in?)

A lot of you are also hating on David Spade. No, he isn’t hard up for cash, he did a commercial. A funny commercial.

I am going to chalk this whole thing up to you guys not having anything else to bitch about, but the week is only half done, so I’m sure there will be something.

Take the sand out of your pussies,
Carlo.

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7 comments
Posted on Oct 28, 2009 by Lauren — Geek / Lifestyle / Movies & TV / Who Remembers — 4 comments

WHO REMEMBERS?: Creepy Crawlers

creepy-crawlers

Creepy Crawlers used to give me the creeps! I hate bugs, don’t ever take me camping, you’ll want to take me home within  in the first minutes of getting there. When I was in elementary school, the boys used to bring in these nasty looking, bug look-alike things and throw them at us girls. Were they looking for attention? Or, were they just being plain old mean? I guess we were too busy using our Easy-Bake Oven to notice them.

bugs1

This toy, along with many others, can be classified as being in the ‘Thingmaker’ category. The toy consists of many mold casts and Plastigoop, which came in multiple colors. After you have poured the goop into the mold, you place it on a hot plate oven and the goop hardens into one of these nasty looking things above.

Toymax_Creepy_Crawlers

The makers of Creepy Crawlers, ToyMax, developed a television show based off theit toy. It was a Saturday Morning Cartoon called Creepy Crawlers, which lasted two seasons, which consisted of 23 episodes and a line of 12 action figures that each came with a metal mold to make unique accessories for the figure.

creepy_sm_933

The show focused around Chris Carter, a normal kid who was interested in magic. He stumbles upon a green box of green super-ooze which, when opened, released the five Creepy Crawler Commandos. The evil magician in the show, Gugengrime, steals the goo and makes his own army of Creepy Crawler monsters who help him try to take over the world. Chris and his new found friends must work together to try and save the planet from Gugengrime.

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4 comments
Posted on Oct 27, 2009 by MightyVin — Humor / Movies & TV / Versus / Vin's F***ing Uncensored Blog — 5 comments

Versus!: Kenan Vs. Kel…

Today we try and figure out which 90’s half of the young, black Abbott and Costello is funnier: Kenan or Kel?

Orange Soda?:

Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda! So much so that his obsession is bordering on autism. Need proof? Check the orange soda rap above.

Fat Albert:

Kel may have gotten all of the orange soda, but Kenan got to be in a movie with Bill Cosby. Granted, that movie was “Fat Albert.” This film proves that just because you can do a (poor) Bill Cosby impression on SNL, doesn’t mean you should take it to the next level.

We’re All Dudes:

For all 3 of you Less Than Jake fans out there, here is their collaboration with Kel as “Ed” from “Good Burger” in the song “We’re All Dudes” from the Good Burger soundtrack.

Saturday Night Live?:

Kenan? Really? Unless they need someone for an Al Sharpton or Bill Cosby impression, he’s useless. And that’s not racist because it’s fucking true. His only recurring original charecter is the host of that horrible techno show sketch. Good Burger Job!

COOLIO!!!!!:

Fuck it. We all know the best part about K & K happened before the actual episodes even started.

So who wins? Kenan? Kel? Coolio???

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