Posts in July, 2009

Stock Footage: Water-Skiing Squirrel…

Douchebag Squirrell

One of the more-famous pieces of stock footage around, Twiggy the water-skiing squirrel has never failed to delight and inspire wonder wherever he shows up.

Twiggy burst onto the public scene with a slow burn of news reports used to cap-off slow news days across the country in the early-80’s.

Pretty soon Twiggy was being shown in countries all around the world and even had cameos in “Anchorman” and “Dodgeball.”

Twiggy is actually several squirrels who were trained in succession to carry-on the novelty act after the first Twiggy died while trying to paw bread out of a toaster. I’m not joking.

But don’t take my word for it that Twiggy is as majestic as I’m making him sound; Here is a clip of Twiggy in action set to Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love.”

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FLAM’s Fashion Fail: Hipster Combo

My relationship with hipsters is one of love and hate, but mostly hate. A lot of the girls look pretty fly when they do it right, while most look straight ridiculous, and 95% of the dudes are lookin real dirty. There’s been an emergence of try-too-hard faux hipsters in the past year or so. They’ve been wearing out everything sold in American Apparel, from the big nerd glasses, super low V-necks (only ladies get away with this), and tacky shirts with wolves on them, but it’d be too easy to dedicate a fashion fail on just that. FLAM’s gonna focus on an overlooked hipster combo that makes little sense on mad fronts, wearing leggings under shorts.

hipster3bStraight outta Williamsburg

This look is tricky, because some girls make it work, but for the most part, it’s a fashion fail on the real. What’s the matter, ma? You got spider veins? Too many ladies try to over accessorize, and in this case, it’s mostly unnecessary. Short shorts alone, is a sexy look. Leggings alone, while a little harder to pull off, can also be a sexy look. Together, it’s just too much, and nonsensical.
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I got this set at the Goodwill yo

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They been plannin to match all week!

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Worst pose evar

hipster1Combo+Uggs. Ultimate fail

If the weather doesn’t call for  shorts alone, wear pants. If you got sexy legs, show them off, girl. We gotta see what you’re working with. You either flaunt or you don’t. This middle ground business don’t cut it!


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Movie Showdown, 10 Bucks to the Winner… District 9 or Surrogates?

I’m having a hard time deciding if District 9 (August 2009) or Surrogates (September 2009) is more appealing to me.

To give a little more background let’s go into the possible blockbusters a little more in depth.

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District 9 (Starring: Jason Cope, Directed by: Neill Blomkamp, Produced by: Peter Jackson)

Summary: District 9 is based on Alive in Joburg (video), a short film directed by Neill Blomkamp, Sharlto Copley, Simon Hansen and Shanon Worley. The title is influenced by the real-life District 6 in Cape Town. Copley also portrayed one of the interviewed policemen. The short film is about aliens landing in South Africa and becoming confined to a specific area and forced to work. (via Wikipedia)

Promo Video:

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Surrogates (Starring: Bruce Willis, Directed by: Jonathan Mostow, Produced by:  David Hoberman)

Summary: In the year 2017, humans live in isolation and interact only via robotic bodies that serve as surrogates. Several humans are killed when their surrogates are destroyed, and a cop (Bruce Willis) investigates the crimes through his own surrogate. After a near fatal encounter, his surrogate is destroyed, which forces him to bring his human form out of isolation and unravel a conspiracy behind the crimes. (via Wikipedia)

Promo Video:

Now that you’re in the know… Which movie are you more excited about. I’m gonna say I’m partial to a Bruce Willis blockbuster, but I’m gonna be sure to check out both in the good ol’ movie house.

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WHO REMEMBERS?: BARTERING WITH LUNCHABLES

Who doesn’t remember Lunchables? They were probably the most fun a kid could have at lunch aside from throwing rubber balls at each other across cafeteria tables. Making your lunch out of miniaturized cheeses and meats with crackers and then stuffing your face with the result = epic childhood win.

lunchableham_cheeseAbove all else, I remember trading pieces of my Lunchables for other lunch items with friends. This became a daily practice, and also taught me how fair trade works. I made business relationships with individuals, daily routine became ritualistic and common understandings were solidified. It was pretty serious, thinking about it now. If you ever broke these relationships; and started trading with other kids at the lunch table, you’d find that you just damaged a healthy relationship with Client A for Client B. On that note, the most valuable Lunchable was the pizza set.

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Back in the day, you could trade pieces of the pizza set for some serious lunchtime-scratch. I remember getting two pieces of dessert for just the cheese! Kids would add shredded mozarella to their sandwiches! You could’ve easily taken control of an established lunchtime racket with Lunchables Pizza. If you ever traded a Lunchables Pizza for Lunchables Turkey and Swiss, you are a fool and never deserved to have parents loving enough to give you the best and probably unhealthiest Lunchables ever. Oh wait, they came out Lunchables Mini Burgers now. I wonder how the bartering system works these days. Do the Mini Burgers equal the Pizza? Does it depend on which region of the lunchroom you’re in?

Anyway, I’d love to hear how your trading went. I need to know who is worth trading with and who is gonna screw me over down the road.

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PIPE CITY: Kylie Minogue

At this point I would have to say that Thursday is my second favorite day of the week. Sorry Thursday but Tuesday gives out free back rubs at the mall.

This weeks Pipe City will be the Aussie Kylie Minogue.  You might remember her from her 1987 remake of the song Loco-motion or her 1994 role in Street Fighter as Lt. Cammy or maybe her 1996 role in Bio-Dome as Dr. Petra von Kant.

If any of you remember Bio-Dome you will remember that she gave a carrot a blow job!

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Jane Blow: Talking Dirty 101

Having trouble calling your significant other (aka S.O) your Slut?  We can help with that!

The best tip we can give you is that you must talk about talking dirty.  There is (almost) no way around it.  TALK about it, TALK TALK TALK, COMMUNICATION is important.  You can start by dirty txting aka Sexting, pillow talk, walk around a secluded place in public, or email… When you get comfortable using naughty vernacular, it is easy to use more of it and go deeper into the game.

The second best tip is to start slow, light, and playfully.  Are you are having trouble transitioning between you the normal person, and you the dirty talker?  Or now that you’ve put this notch in your bedpost, you feel odd in a regular setting after sex because of what you said?

These issues are easily addressed by putting the emphasis on the Role Play, and not that YOU called YOUR S.O a slut.  Not following? You called SOME SLUT a slut, not YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

Ladies, are you stuck on what to say?  Try complimenting his penis – size, girth, hardness; tell him how much you love it, how smooth it is, how great it feels.  Ask him if he likes the thing you’re doing, or how he wants it.  Describe what you’re doing and how sexy it looks/feels – this is a great porn star trick.  Eye contact during all of this is pretty awesome too.  Talking dirty for you is more about attitude.  It is also why most men enjoy porno.  Those girls are total sluts who love, crave, work and live for cock.  You can make that real for your guy!  Just don’t use that porn start voice, it is a turn off usually.

Guys, it is easier for you to figure out what not to say, than what to say.  Talk about what are words you two both don’t like.  Cunt usually makes that list.  Some favorites of ours are : Any personalization of common words like slut or whore “my good little slut” is a good start.  Toy is a fun one “my sexy toy”.  Usually things involving the words “hot little pussy” or “throbbing cock” are nice too.

Always start slow, take the pressure off yourselves and watch some porno, read some erotica. Use the words in deep “loving” tones first:
“yes, good girl, such a good little slut aren’t you?” while shes going down is a good opportunity, or as she is in a female superior position.  Say it as a reward, or to point out how good she is doing.  Encouragement is a good thing.
Then start saying non open statements, that deserve an answer that isn’t “yes” or “no”.   Such as “Tell me why you like sucking me so much, tell me why I should let you in my pants…”

Take a tip from Poison and "Talk dirty to me..."

Take a tip from Poison and “Talk dirty to me…”

It is a little known fact that people like talking about things they enjoy.  So in the beginning, stay positive.

And our last great piece of advice is to make Role Play your best friend.  It helps if you both get really into it, maybe even a costume change, different make up if time allows it.  Shedding clothing should be part of the metamorphosis from girlfriend to being his very own personal whore; it is 100% a mental game.

My uniform never looked like this... But it is what the guy's saw.

My uniform never looked like this… But it is what the guy’s saw.

Role Play will make everything easier… because it isn’t YOU doing it!  You’re a student who needs guidance.  You’re trying to get out of a speeding ticket.  A nurse taking care of a sick patient.  Thanking your fireman rescuer…babysitter earning tips… prison guarding a very depraved man… loving slave worshiping his Master parts … or a genie granting his wishes.

Remember, sex is physical and mental. Talking dirty is a mental game that enhances the physical!

Soon enough you’ll be able to transition easily, find balance and flux with the dichotomy between your two new selves.  You can look at it as if you have a fun and sexy alter ego.

<3 Jane

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PMS of the Month: Car Accidents (and the people who love them)

Now you’re probably wondering what the PMS of the Month is all about. Well, basically it’s a chance for DAPS to be unethical, illogical, ridiculous and generally just crazy, without being held accountable.

Like all women during their “special time”, DAPS will tell you about shit that you don’t care about and you have to sit there and listen to it because we always complain that you’re not sensitive enough to our needs and don’t tell us how beautiful we are, and expect us to pick up after you.

I bet you’re saying to yourself, “But how is that different from everything else on your site?”, and the answer to that question my friend is because we said so. So listen up gumshoes and you might just learn something! (but probably not.)

Hey kiddos, it’s your friendly, neighborhood rigmarole talker, Poppa Checks.

car-accident

You know what pisses me off? car accidents.

Well let’s get it straight, it’s not the car accidents, per say, it’s what follows…you know, the fucking morons that have to stare like they are writing for the Gazette or Newport News.  I got some news for you pal, I don’t care that your family member is dead. There is nothing you can do for them. You might as well stay out of the way and let the cops and firemen get your deformed and mutilated family member’s body out of the horrendous car wreck so that working people like me can get home so I can go to work in the morning, or get out of the way of people who spent the night drinking so they can get home safely without your dumb ass stopping on a mother fucking highway.  The only reason to stop or slow down on a highway is if there is a limb or better yet a head. That is when you can slow down and stare.

What about the people that cut over 3 lanes to be closer to the accident so they can try and video record it on their cell phones. Holy Leaping Grandmas! With you treating the morning commute like the  Nürburgring, you end up increasing exponentially the risk of killing a family of 4 and making me have to settle for the pumpernickel bagels, because all of the good bagels were taken by the people who got to work on time for the Boss’ Bagel Wednesday.

I really hate pumpernickel. I’d rather have the salt bagels. And I really hate salt in general. Thankfully for some odd, but welcomed reason, the classical music station on the radio sort of calms me. During this time I wonder, ‘if I had super powers, what powers would I want?’ or ‘would I be a hero or a villain?’ I would have to say that I would be a “good guy” but would not hesitate to throw cars into the ocean because they have slightly disturbed my travel time and tried to murder me. I’ll never get that time back. Now get away from me, I want to eat this hot fudge sundae without you constantly judging me.

Gimme feedback, friends. Ladies, I’m sort of sorry?

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Craziest Wedding Video I Have Ever Seen.

This is what I want at my wedding, lol.

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Another Reason Why Facials Are Good For Women.

pullout

We all know that facials provide proper exfoliation for the pores at a fraction of the price, but now an article published in the New York Times give couples more reasons to have that superstar finish.

Many people preferred withdrawal to condoms. As one said, “you can still have sex, it doesn’t smell bad, it doesn’t have chemicals in it.”

The research convinced the authors that “it is unfortunate that some couples do not realize they are substantially reducing their risk of pregnancy when using withdrawal, as these misperceptions may cause unnecessary levels of anxiety. More speculatively, if more people realized that correct and consistent use of withdrawal substantially reduced the risk of pregnancy, they might use it more effectively.” (read the entire article in the NYT)

Withdrawal as it is mentioned here is referring to the ever-controversial “pull out” method of contraception. The article suggests that previously conceived notions about the method have been miscalculated, and that pulling out is a legitimate form of birth control.

So, the next time you get your cucumber sauce, or as us Greeks refer to it as “Tzatziki” in your girlfriends eye or all over her hair, you know that you are using a form of contraception that fails to condoms only by 2%.

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New Tips On How To Gain Weight!

I have always been blessed with an anorexic looking body type.  You would refer to me as skin and bones, cause there really is no muscle at all.  Those that fall into the pencil look usually look for a way to put on a few extra pounds because, hey I don’t want to fall to the basement cause there is a crack in the floor.

I want to get stuck in the floor like Robin Williams in Jumanji but sadly that is just a dream.  I actively look for new and easy ways to gain weight.   I found this infomercial for gaining weight and I am so going to try it maybe this one will work.

Do you know of any other weight gaining tips?

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