In light of our nation’s Independence Day, it’s about time we decide on a figure who best defines our patriotism. A figure to rise above other figures as the one who identifies this country for what it is… proud. What two figures could possibly fill this void, you ask? Well, none other than action figures Captain America (Steve Rogers variation) and Barack Obama. I bet you didn’t see that one coming. Who will come out of this weeks’ Versus! with the win?

Let’s start with what will be considered the obvious choice: the Barack Obama action figure. I mean, how could the plastic incarnation of the first black President of the United States not take home the gold? He does way more than just lead the toy chest out of the mess that a faulty plastic Republican administration has left behind (previously headed by the Leonardo Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure who rewrote the Plastic Constitution so he’d be allowed to drive Ecto-1); the Barack Obama action figure also has handgun and lightsaber action. These are perfect for both saving the country and world from your sisters My Little Pony invasions within exactly 24 hours, and fighting of Dark Lords of the Sith. Never before has a plastic president been so versatile in mash-up combat. He will survive and prevail in any slapboxing encounter, even if it means that his real clothes getting un-velcro’d during combat. Anything for his country. After any dispute, peaceful or not, the Barack Obama action figure is always prepared to give a stern yet comforting speech for his plastic administration to be proud of.

The Captain America action figure is so patriotic that he’s named after the whole country. If that isn’t enough for you, Cap is proudly packaged with a shield that bears the USA’s colors… complete with a big freakin’ star that screams “vote for me, punk” right in the center. Did I mention that an even bigger, more badass star sits on his solid plastic chest? Oh yeah, any foe who comes his way is gonna see more than one star after Cap is done with him. Given one day on the job, Cap’s plastic enemies will be scarred with red white and blue paint, no matter what they do to avoid it. They’ll think twice before screwing with the guy who has no need for puny spring-loaded projectiles, or any actual weapons. All he will ever need is the shield; which you can conveniently throw at your siblings or pets, and his always-clenched fists. How much more patriotic can you get?

Bottom line is: I can’t even begin to decide who I think is better as a pose-able figurehead for our this country. All I can tell you is that no matter how pose-able they are, their determination is completely solid. What do you think? This needs to be resolved once and for all… for the sake of our rights!

–dan

Tags: barack obama, captain america, comics, star wars