FUCKING SARAH PALIN ruined a Colbert Report bit on her twitter.
Here is the bit:
okay, here is sarah palin being completely retarded:
ummmmmmm WTF? LOL. I’m drunk, forgive me.
Tags: colbert report, Politics, sarah palin
3 commentsPosts in May, 2009
Sarah Palin is COMPLETELY RETARDED
Toy Story IS MY LIFE! TOY STORY 3 TEASER IS OUT!
Many of you might not be aware of the fact I am a pretty immature person (HAHA). For those that don’t know, I’m a huge fan of creepy things 22 year old’s shouldn’t still be into, like muppets, comics, cartoons, sesame street, and a lot of things Disney related. Due to my various obsessions I remain a pretty big toy collector.
One of my all time favorite movies is Toy Story. I LOVE THAT MOVIE. I related to it pretty bad. Not only did I have (and still have) a lot of the toys featured, or things similar, but I actually happened to be a foolish child who believed my toys came alive anytime I left the room. I’d set them up in (what I assumed for them) was awkward, humiliating, or uncomfortable positions, then pretend to leave the room only to run immediately right back in, hoping to catch them in action. ANY time of action.
Here I am about to start waterboarding my Barbie doll. BE ALIVE!!
The thing is you guys..my toys WERE alive. I don’t remember this but when I was about three years old, my mother awoke to the sound of me crying hysterically in the middle of the night. Like any good mother she rushed to my room, only to discover me sitting at my small little red table across from my Read Along Talking Micky Mouse. I was on one side of the table, and he was at the other. I had a pair and he had a full house. In front of me, no pennies. In front of Mickey, my entire piggy bank was poured out. There I sat, humiliated, crying hysterically, and penniless with my television blasting The Arsenio Hall Show.
His current whereabouts are unknown
Not all toys were evil. I also had a stuffed, googly eyed cat I referred to as “crazy cat” that would trash my room constantly, showing no remorse for his actions. My Mother would stand over me (like most authority figures in a 4 year old’s life do).
Here the two of us enjoy our Ninja Turtle sleeping bag. He did my hair that night.
“Danielle Marie Ward Disaster, is your room clean young lady?”
“Let me check.” I’d reply nonchalantly, cool as a cucumber.
I’d then waddle myself upstairs but pause at the top, where I could see straight into my bedroom and start to protest as loud as I could, yelling in my Mother’s direction so she could hear me.
“OH MY GOD! STOP IT CRAZY CAT! STOP IT! You’re completely messing up my room when it was clean!”
I’d then slowly walk downstairs, carefully holding the railing and step slowly back over with an exaggerated look of disappointment on my face.
“Mom, I gots bad news” I’d begin, pouting out my lower lip, “My room is a mess , but I didn’t do it. Crazy cat did. Did you hear? “
Unfortunately for me, my Mother never believed stuffed animals (especially cross eyed cats) were alive, so this rarely worked. Fortunately, it was hysterical enough of a concept to let me slide once in a while.
The only possible motive I can think of why this stuffed animal trashed my room was a bit of jealously over not making the cut to that year’s Santa photo due to the fact I had began a serious relationship with my pull string Bart Simpson doll.
Crazy cat and I
Bart Simpson and I the following year
So as you can imagine, when Toy Story first came out I was JUBILANT over the movie. The closest anything came before this was like, Gumby! I loved the movie. Everything about it was pretty ideal, man. The cast they had as voice talent, the songs, the plot. I would marry this movie. The only thing I ever disliked was that I couldn’t beat the goddamn Super Nintendo game for it. Disney games were hard dude.
When Toy Story 2 came out? EVEN BETTER! YES! I could ramble about this movie until I dragged you guys into tl;dr hell, but I won’t. I’ll put it this way – this movie was so so so good, that years later it still remains #2 on Rotten Tomatoes’ list of best rated movies. It was actually number 1 for quite a while until Man On Wire came about. No homo but that Sarah Mclachlan song, “When Somebody Loved Me” is amazing.
Now here we are, 2009 – AND A TEASER FOR TOY STORY 3 HAS BEEN RELEASED!!!
Hopefully, this movie will bring in some poker playing Mickeys and room trashing cats. Or not. Woody and Buzz will do just fine.
Tags: childhood, dani disaster, movie trailors, rememebr?, toy story
3 commentsFresh Daily “Tomorrow is Today” Mixtape
Tomorrow is Today is the latest release from Fresh Daily. Anyone that’s knows me knows I support good Hip-Hop & Fresh Daily best represents good Hip-Hop.
Standout tracks for me are “Winter Fresh”, “Apollo 13”, “Film Noir” and “Say You Won’t” which is a remix of Kanye West’s “Say You Will”. DOWNLOAD NOW !!!!!
Tags: Aok, Fresh Daily, hip-hop
1 commentREMAKE 2: EVEN MORE REMAKEDED…The attack of the remakes!
Greetings Valtrex Users,
Not that anyone noticed, but I was away on the cosmic spirit portal jump for the past month being that I am OT III in my branch of scientology. When I returned from my journey I immediately turned on my inferior earth computer and began browsing what you puny earth beings call “The World Wide Web”. As I was looking I saw something that startled me so much I nearly crushed my neighbors house telepathically (This being one power I have learned to use during my growth as a clear being). The only thing that keeps me connected to this expired planet is movies. Classics should never be touched. Like the clock from Beauty and the beast said, “If it’s not baruch, don’t fix it.” I am seeing a shit ton of movies being remade which means I need to beam back to Holicron Cronus Voltek IV and amass and army to defeat the greedy hollywood warlords.
IN THE NAME OF XENUU! I COMMAND THY LEGIONS TO WAGE WAR ON…. Mom!, get outttt you know this is my alone time! Stop being nosy I always have my pants off when I blog!
I really hate that speak and type program.
Anyways here’s some movies that are being remade without the express written consent of my childhood.
The Flight of the Navigator
Now, I know I have written about this movie in a past blog, but it holds a special place in my heart because I too experienced the same journey’s in my childhood except my ship was a fridge box covered in tin foil and my alien friends were a shaved rat and a shower head. In my opinion, they are gonna make this movie modern but still keep that disney spirit that’s made all the past movies so great. I heard that in this remake global warming has caused the earth to begin falling apart, this ship comes at the beginning of the movie and rescues one child named Jesus Christophe. The rest of the movie is spent watching numerous different species of animals meet their demise. Amazing disney, your hatred of animals never ceases to amaze.
The next shitbox to be remade is…
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Now the people who are producing this say it is not a sequel, but a re-imagining of the original movie…So all you nerd queefs will be sad to hear there will be no angel, spike, xander, the dyke witch or any other familiar characters except for the skanky, valtrex using, crab infested cheerleader we all love to run trains on, Buffy. I assume Megan Fox will play the role of Buffy, and the entire movie will consist of her bending over objects whole rubbing her legs and licking her lips…Oh god…I…need…to be alone.
BACK!
Apologies, I needed to go get something…from the…kleenex and lotion store?
Anyways continuing on the path of horrendous remakes, I bring you!
A Nightmare on Elm Street
You’re welcome ladies. Now this will be another “re-imagining” of the franchise, where the movie will be a lot darker and realistic. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but a burnt pedophile dressed like a candy cane beats the shit out of me everytime I go to sleep, so I don’t know how much more relaistic you can get, Except his name is Eddie Kreiger. He’s german. Jackie Earl Haley is rumored to have the role of our beloved crispy, boy touching, dream weaver. I am looking forward to seeing if Johnny Depp will reprise his role as the gay, half-shirt wearing hershey highway patrolman we know and love from the original. God, that shirt makes me wanna punch a baby.
I just received word they are remaking one of my favorite movies and I just soiled myself, and not in a good way like usual.
TOTAL RECALL…Really?! Really?!
I thought this movie was great the way it was, but NOOOO you fuckers in Hollywood just can’t leave well enough alone. This is probably gonna star the rock as Quaid and Verne Troyer as Kuato. I see Bruce Willis as Cohagen and…wait…Can we get Megan Fox to put on a prosthetic 3rd titty? If we can I am on board. Let’s do this people the original sucked! Can someone please call ILM and have them interview Megan for a screen test. I WANT GENUINE TRI-TITTY ACTION!
Well I am sure hollywood has a shitload more movies they are going to destroy, but all I leave you with this one word of advice. Petition for a remake of Totall Recall. Do it for Me, do it for Megan, do it for Tri-Titties.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Sham TM Esq.
Tags: Bruce Willis, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, disney, Flight of the Navigator, Johnny Depp, Kuato, megan fox, Movie Remakes, Nightmare on Elm Street, scientology, The Rock, Totall Recall, Tri-titties, Valtrex, Verne Troyer, Xenu
2 commentsMore Things I’d Rather Fap to than Susan Boyle [NSFW-ish]
Ugly Woman Susan Boyle is in the Finals of “Britain’s Got Talent.” This is great news for her and her fans, and other good stuff too.
“When the world was going through a pretty tough time and was looking for a bit of hope and inspiration, along came Susan Boyle to provide it,” said Piers Morgan, one of three judges.
Cowell apologized for poking fun at her during the auditions stage.
“You are one special lady,” he said. “You really are.”
LOL TV.
Well either way, here is a bunch of shit I’d rather masturbate thinking of than her.
The Idea of Purchasing Hookers in Second Life
Erin Esurance Cosplay
The Adrenaline Maze
A Giant Squid
Potato Salad
Edward Scissorhands
Tubgirl 2
Click at your own risk.
Basketball
Bratz Dolls
Tags: Britains got talent, england, masturbation, Susan Boyle, television
3 commentsRap Chop
I have always hated auto-tune. But I might have found a remix that makes me like it!
You know that Slap Chop commercial? The one where Vince says, “You’re Gonna Love My Nuts!”… If you have or haven’t you need to watch this video right now!!
From the djsteveporter You Tube Channel Rap Chop MP3 at my website http://www.djsteveporter.com Don’t forget to vote here! – http://www.djtimes.com/best… thanks guys :) SP
Tags: auto-tune, commercial, rap chop, Sham Wow, slap chop, video, Vince
5 comments“Ziggy Stardust of Rap?” Mickey Avalon………I think I like this, I really do…..
I came across this interesting rapper whilst I was strolling around on Facebook. I really don’t know if you have heard of this fella, however I have not until this very moment. Provocative? Yes. Sexy? Yes. Am I gay? My girlfriend thinks so……Enjoy…
Interesting, no? Seems like someone I could get drunk and party down with in a social setting. Prolly shouldn’t get too drunk though, mistakes would be made. Then the police would have to administer a rape kit on me and all my repressed memories from being an altar boy would come rushing back. I didn’t mean to steal all those Jesus cakes that the church had, they’re just so delicious, like the bits at the bottom of a Triscuit box.
Tags: Avalon, babes, Mickey, rap, Sexy, synth, video
1 commentFailing at Obscene Emoticons
Let’s be real here, the internet is a faceless form of communication. Even on “Face”book, there’s little way to accurately express your precise feelings on any given subject. The implications of emotion are driven solely from context and your exact statements alone. However, in the world of instant messaging, our chat clients have provided us with the powerful tool of smilies. They turn a simple :) into an actual yellow smiley face. Heck; on Gmail’s chat, you can even see your smiley face transform from a colon and closing parenthesis into a wonderful happy face for you chat buddy to enjoy. I mean, you can also watch ~@~ turn into a steaming pile of poop on Gmail’s chat… but this still supports the main point: Smiley faces are important on the internet!
This brings us to today’s IM. Carlo was being a dick, and well, the following instant message tells the rest of the story.
I mean, I’m sure he intended for his IM gesture to be a good one, but this is was ultimately a failure on his part that had a *happy ending*anyway. Carlo might say it was a failure on my part to have the smileys displayed on my end of the instant message, but I this is a matter of perception. iPeen failure!
brb
Tags: aim, emoticons, feelings
4 commentsToxic Avenger Drinking Game
Title: Toxic Avenger Drinking Game
Location: Martini Red – 372 Vanduzer St (Staten Island)
Link out: Click here
Description: DAPS has become well known for drinking in public, This Friday will be no different. You\’ve checked the website for clues and hints, but the time is here!
THE TOXIC AVENGER DRINKING GAME
Remember Martini Red has $2 Pabsts to play with.
Anyone can begin playing at any time.
Rules are here:
This drinking game is to be played with The Toxic Avenger and your favorite low budget beer.
1 drink – every time you see the word “Tromaville”
1 drink – every time you see or hear the word “monster”
1 drink – every time you see bubbling toxic waste
1 drink – every time you see boobs
1 drink – every time you see someone die
1 drink – every time you see someone drink or smoke
The You’ll Need One After The Game Challenge: Every time a mop is on screen, drink continuously.
A Case of the Spins: Every time you see a newspaper spinning, kill your beer.
Rules will also be posted on a large posterboards of the game.
DJ Murder by the Dave will be there with music, Special Appearances by the DAPS Staff and Mancrush members (the guys themselves not their genetailia, unless of course they\’re drunk from THE TOXIC AVENGER DRINKING GAME”
DAPS Boys will be Emceeing the night, which will be a fun one because everybody loves THE TOXIC AVENGER DRINKING GAME!!!
Start Time: 10:00pm
Date: 2009-05-22
Tags: drinking game, Events, toxic avenger
No commentsFLAM’s Fashion Fail: Debut!
I’m always observing and judging people. I drink mad Haterade, you understand? Take a look at this dumb broad.
- Why?
The cheap denim is ugly and the unnecessary belt is one of the worst accessories ever. If you don’t have any belt loops, don’t wear it. Now, ay, if given the chance, I would definitely wrap that gold belt around her neck and machine gun that ass, but she still looks awful. Come on babygirl, you can do better than this!
Tags: fashion, FLAM, hipster, style
6 comments
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