Posts in January, 2009

Posted on Jan 30, 2009 by Lauren — Lifestyle — No comments

My Breakup Letter

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To My Favorite Pieces of Candy:
I am writing to all of you to inform you, that I will no longer be suckered into bad habits. You will not lore me with your sweet aroma anymore. No more late night cravings for something chewy and sweet. That heart-warming sound I get when I tear through your outer casing will have to be substituted with something else that will not add to my muffin top going way over my pants.

So long Airheads. You will no longer see me with anymore blondes.

So long Almond Joy. You cannot bring me Joy for much longer.

Goodbye Big Daddy. I will have to settle on only having one Daddy in my life.

See you later Butterfinger. Bart Simpson can have all of your attention now.

See you soon Cry Babies. Please don’t cry for me. I am still crying after you even though I am not eating you right now.

So long Gummi Bears. You all can stay in the package now. The yellow and white ones that I usually leave behind can keep their friends.

My sweet Jolly Ranchers. There is nothing jolly about this departure.

Junior Mints. You will just have to settle with being on re-runs of Seinfeld from now on.

Mentos, my fresh makers. Please go freshen up someone else’s day.

My friends the Nerds. Willy Wonka will still have a place for you.

Pixie Stix. From now on, I can wake myself up in the morning instead of snorting you through my nose.

Red Hots, there hasn’t been anything hot about our relationship since day one. Honestly darling, you can get a lot hotter.

And my dear friend the Tootsie Roll. You have added to this roll for years and it’s about time someone told you to tootsie your way out of here. Your too hard in the beginning and get stuck in my teeth. Go give someone else some cavities.

Goodbye sweet pieces of candy. I will miss you all so dearly. Maybe when my children get older, I will deprive them of your greatness and keep you all for myself.

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Posted on Jan 29, 2009 by Phil Unofficial — Lifestyle — No comments

Goodbye My Love

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To my other half,

I am both apologetic and regretful that I feel compelled to write this letter instead of saying the things I need to say to your face. I feel I can express my feelings to you better this way since we rarely see each other anyway. On that note, I don’t feel that the lack of contact has effected our relationship at all in a negative way. If anything, I feel that it has brought us to a peaceful medium. The best way I can say this to you without beating around the bush is I don’t need you anymore. As a child you were rarely there for me and now in my mid 20’s you have chosen to be a part of my life. I feel that we are indeed coming to an end because I feel like you were not part of my life and in turn never will be. You can’t just pop into my life one day and expect me to respect and love you the way others will. I felt for a while that I did need you because, as the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side. Now that I have you, I know that I don’t need you and never will. You contribute nothing to me. Maybe one day, in another life, we will meet again. But as far as our relationship goes in this life, it’s over. I am sick of the way you make me feel for being who I am. The guilt and anxiety you put me through when I do things most people won’t. You look down on and make me feel bad about doing the very things that make me an individual. YOU CAN’T CHANGE ME! This is more difficult to me because when I say your my other half, it is quite literal. As my sanity you must understand that we can never coexist peacefully in the same body. We had some good times while they lasted, but the bad times definitely outweigh the good. Don’t wait for me. You need to go and find someone who deserves you and all your good deeds and I hope you find happiness in that someone else.

Love Always,

Phil Unofficial

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Posted on Jan 29, 2009 by EmilioSparks — From the Web / Geek / Uncategorized — No comments

Best Obama Action Figure Ever Battles Darth Vader, Brendan Lyons, Dick Cheney

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If you are wondering if newly anointed President Obama will kick the shit out of you. Just take a look at this awesome action figure of President Obama fighting Darth Vader.

This is a Japanese figure,and as we know, Japan is ahead of the game in every aspect when it comes to technology, fashion, toys etc… but they have really upped the ante with this badass figurine.

FYI this is way better than any commemorative coin or gold leaf collectors plate.

Here is a question to all: Who is more bad ass, Snake Eyes from ‘GI-Joe’ or El presidente 44 ?

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Posted on Jan 29, 2009 by Carlo — DAPSpecific — No comments

YO! THIS IS MESSED UP.

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HERE IS THE LINK TO THE VIDEO.

sorry you had to click that.

SO? DID YOU SEE THAT? WTF?

I dunno about you, but I think this is outrageous. THAT’S WHAT WE DO!, THEY TOOK OUR SHIT AND PUT IT ON TV AND SOLD SOMETHING WITH IT.

W.T.F.?

why aren’t all of us going out and buying some spiced rum!

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Lemme ask you this, company that own Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, Why didn’t you just pay us in rum, and let us make the commercial for you?

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Posted on Jan 28, 2009 by Scott Magri — Humor / Uncategorized — No comments

$4.50 For A Coffee

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I cannot believe I just spent $4.50 on a coffee drink, a Chai Latte at Starbucks.

Everywhere I go it seems someone is raving about Chai Latte at Starbucks. The last person who pushed the Chai Latte on me reached a climax in the middle of her recommendation. Good thing there was a fully equipped custodian nearby. Considering I no longer turn to hops, Entenmann’s, or the devil for instantaneous comfort, I thought, Let me see what all this Chai shit is about. After all, I do love coffee with all of my palpitating heart and I could probably benefit from an climax.

I ordered a medium Chai Latte. I refuse to say Grande. It’s pretentious and completely out of context. I am ordering this latte on Staten Island, NY, not in Milan, si?

I remember one time in Manhattan – when Starbucks was a fairly new enterprise – a barista corrected me, and with sharp disdain, when I placed an order for a medium iced coffee:

“Don’t you mean Grande?”, said the pompous puss face.

I had a multi-lingual friend along side of me. I had him complete the entire order in Italian. After the entire staff congregated at the counter with expressions usually reserved for the incontinent, they settled for our native tongue.

Back to my $4.50 Chai Latte. I told the barista to be gentle, that it was my first time having this particular drink. I should have known something was up when she said, “Ooooh, you’re gonna love it. It’s spicy and warm at the same time.”

The drink and price were not listed on this particular Starbuck’s menu, so when the barista rang me up it was too late to cancel. The drink was made, orphaned before me on the counter, steam billowing from it’s pore which spelled-out a sentence in midair: You can feed an African village with $4.50….

I considered running but I didn’t want to burn bridges with the Barnes & Noble in which this Starbucks lives. The barista pried the five-dollar bill from my hands. I took my two quarters change, avoided making eye contact with the tip jar, and returned to my table where I had a book waiting for me: Personal Finance For Dummies.

Let down. Yes, the Chai Latte was spicy and warm but it tasted like Cinnamon sprinkled into warm bath-water, not just any old bath-water, but the kind occupied by Star Jones spreading eagle after an all-night food relapse at Taco Bell.

From my chair of disappointment my eyes landed on Starbucks’ bakery display. I don’t know if they have the same treats at your local “FiveBucks” but the one near me offers stuffed pizza pretzels with what looks like a fungus on top. It looks like Figure 1B from a medical textbook on STDs. Hey Buckers, it’s a Chlamydia Twist for only $16.25, dental dam not included!. I couldn’t find a picture of this delicacy online but go visit it for yourself.

$4.50 for a fuckin’ coffee.

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Posted on Jan 27, 2009 by The Lobster Man — Politics — No comments

Senate Unanimously Approves Delay in DTV Switch

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No, its just more of the same.

For the past year and a half there have been PSA’s running to inform television viewers across the nation that on February 19th standard definition OTA TV’s would no longer be able to receive a signal, yet according to a Nielsen Company survey there are 6.5 million homes who will not be ready for the transition and so it’s about to be pushed back to June 12th.

There is however a hidden motive in this entire issue. Money.

The government has run out of funding for the 1.34 billion dollar coupon program that was allowing standard definition OTA TV viewers to be reimbursed for purchasing a converter that would allow them to continue using their standard definition television after the switch. The major, yet hidden, reason for pushing back the switch is because the government is trying to acquire new funds to continue the coupon program.

So here is the question, why?

There are over 111 million households in the US. 6.5 million are not currently ready for the switch, you do the math. That’s only 5.8% of the entire country. Why should the switch to all digital television that has been in the works for two years now be pushed back for such a small minority of stragglers?

EDIT – 1/28

There is hope after all.

As it was pointed out in the comments, the bill was shot down in the House today. I don’t think anyone could have predicted this after its quick passing in the senate. I’d very much like to assume we have some House Members who read daps on the regular and that my words moved them to vote against the bill. I’m allowed to dream, aren’t I?

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Posted on Jan 27, 2009 by DAPS — DAPSpecific — No comments

DAPSYS AWARDS AND NOMINATIONS

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This Saturday January 31, 2009 at the Cargo Cafe, Dog and Pony Show will holding there first ever DAPSYS award show. The show will be hosted by Casey Jost. Doors open at 11pm.

AWARD:
LAMEST COP OUT
NOMINEES:
Dave Pacheco
Mike Bongiorno
Adam Miller
Rocco LaCapria

AWARD:
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ANIMAL
NOMINEES:
Adolf The Gerbil
Scotty The Dog
The Lobsterman
Budha The Dog

AWARD:
BEST COMMENT THREAD
NOMINEES:
Dani Disaster
Lauren
Phil Rossomondo
Damian Thomas

AWARD:
PUTS MORE ON FACEBOOK THAN DOG AND PONY SHOW
NOMINEES:
Scott Magri
Chris Olivieri
Carlo Montagnino
Damian Thomas

AWARD:
BEST ON SITE FEUD
NOMINEES:
Brendan Lyons vs Phil Rossomondo
Lauren vs Phil Rossomondo
Brendan & Lauren vs Phil
Brendan vs The Anti-Semantic Show

AWARD:
MOST USELESS STAFF MEMBER
NOMINEES:
Nick Heines
Jackie Arnold
John Borusso
Charles Sotiriou

AWARD:
MOST LIKELY TO HAVE SEX WITH A MAN OR WOMAN TONIGHT
NOMINEES:
Dani Disaster
Chip Corapi
Rocco LaCapria
Vin Forte

AWARD:
MOST LIKELY TO TAKE THE LIFE OF ANOTHER STAFF MEMBER
NOMINEES:
Phil Rossomondo
Andrew Sotiriou
Rocco LaCapria
Dani Disaster

AWARD:
MOST LIKELY TO ACTUALLY MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THEIR LIFE
NOMINEES:
Dani Disaster
Will Kline
Anti-Semantic Show
Mike Shane

AWARD:
FIRST FLAMING/TROLLING BY A NON STAFFER
NOMINEES:
Vin Forte
Phil Rossomondo
Ryan Gallagher
The Lobster Man

AWARD:
MOST LIKELY TO BE FOUND IN A CHELSEA GYM
NOMINEES:
Dave Pacheco
Chip Corapi
Mike Bongiorno
Rocco LaCapria

AWARD:
MOST SIMILAR CURTAINS AND DRAPES
NOMINEES:
Andrew Sotiriou
Rachel Somma
Vin Forte
Dan Colonna

AWARD:
MOST LIKELY TO SUFFER FROM ADHD
NOMINEES:
Christopher Olivieri
Mike Shane
Andrew Sotiriou
Dani Disaster

AWARD:
BEST TL:DR;
(TOO LONG, DIDN’T READ) ARTICLE
NOMINEES:
Phil Rossomondo
Adam Miller
Will Kline
Lauren

AWARD:
MOST DISTURBING INSIGHT INTO THE PERSONAL LIFE OF A STAFFER
NOMINEES:
Vin Forte
Sham Metwally
Ryan Gallagher
Rocco LaCapria

AWARD:
BEST LIVE PERFORMANCE
NOMINEES:
MURDER BY THE DAVE
AVON JUNKIES
NO STANDARDS
PARAGRAPH

AWARD:
BEST BEARD
NOMINEES:
The Lobsterman
Vin Forte
Carlo Montagnino
Osama Bin Laden

AWARD:
MOST LIKELY TO TAKE SOMETHING ON THE SITE TOO SERIOUSLY
NOMINEES:
Kristin Pitanza
Adam Miller
Lauren
Vin Forte

AWARD:
HOTTEST HOT CHICK
NOMINEES:
Miss Pants
Killah-KY
Erin Westover
ASH

AWARD:
MOST HOMOEROTIC STAFF MEMBER
NOMINEES:
Chip Corapi
Vin Forte
Carlo Montagnino
Andrew Sotiriou

AWARD:
WE’RE CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY ARE HERE AS WELL
NOMINEES:
Dani Disaster
Anti-Semantic Show
Sean and Jackie
Chris Olivieri

AWARD:
WORST DRESSED
NOMINEES:
Brendan Lyons
Dave Pacheco
Vin Forte
Chris Olivieri

AWARD:
MOST LIKELY TO MASTURBATE TO CONTENT FOUND ON THE SITE
NOMINEES:
Vin Forte
Dani Disaster
Dan Colonna
Scott Magri

AWARD:
BEST MUSIC FOR A VIDEO
NOMINEES:
Chris and Damian
Mike Cibelli
Brendan Lyons
The Who

AWARD:
MOST DRUNK AT A LIVE EVENT
NOMINEES:
Carlo Montagnino
Brendan Lyons
Mike Bongiorno
Stacey Lee

AWARD:
PRETTIEST HAIR
NOMINEES:
Dave Pacheco
Brendan Lyons
Emilio Sparks
Andrew Sotiriou

AWARD:
WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN IT NEEDS TO BE
NOMINEES:
FLAM and the Hot Chick
CSI: Staten Island
DEGOCAST
Creating Content

AWARD:
MOST TASTEFUL RAPE OR VIOLENT JOKE
NOMINEES:
Monster House
Mike’s Ten: Murder
1 Guy 2 Cups
Meditation – Davecast 3

AWARD:
LEAST ENTERTAINING CONTENT
NOMINEES:
Dancing with Scotty
Agoraphobia Today
Hunting Cougars on Craigslist (Non-British Version)
Anti-Semantic Show

AWARD:
MOST OFFENSIVE PIECE OF CONTENT
NOMINEES:
My Reasons Why Batman and Robin was Clearly a Better Film Than the Dark Knight
Monster House
Gepettophile
Carlo Montagnino ‘Live Blogging from 9/11 Name Reading Ceremony’
Matthew Broderick ‘Girls are Funny’

AWARD:
PROUDEST MOMENT IN DAPS HISTORY OF THE YEAR
NOMINEES:
Novemeber Rain
Cover of Awe
Homosexuwhales
Versus: NYC vs LA

AWARD:
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

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Posted on Jan 27, 2009 by sham — Bizarre / Humor / The McGyptian Blog / Uncategorized — No comments

THIS COMMERCIAL HAS BEEN MADE WITHOUT MY CONSENT. MY TOP MEN ARE ON IT….

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Greetings Valtrex Users,
After a stiff talking to by Dani Disaster, I have decided to embrace my calling and Join the business my father started. Commercials like these making fun of our superior product will not be tolerated. My top lawyers are smoking a bowl right now trying to think up a funnier way to get back at this son of a bitch.

HAHA, Very funny.
Sincerely,
Sham Wowington Jr.

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Posted on Jan 27, 2009 by Ryan — Humor / Sex / Uncategorized — No comments

U.K. Bans Extreme Pornography

 

So I’m at the pub having a pint with me mates, a real bunch of cheeky bastards. I get a ring on the mobile, it’s me flatmate saying that he’s been pinched by a Bobby for buying some extreme porn. He was at a shop looking to get some vids for the tele when some undercover scallywag approached him. Apparently it ain’t kosher anymore to buy that stuff – well shiver me fuckin’ timbers. So I bugger off and take the lift to me flat, to get bail money to me mate sharpish before some shit-stabber gets ahold of his dangly bits. God save the Queen when I find out that he had three titles I’ve been dying to see.

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Bungee Spot

A young woman named Tricia with a severe allergy to clothing decides to take life by the balls and bungee jump for the first time. Her instructor, Dale, takes advantage of her naivete by telling her that she must be accompanied for her first jump. Due to her allergy Dale must also be unclad for the jump, presenting him an opportunity for some extreme action. Will the rubber break? Find out after the jump …

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Air Drop Wife Swap

When two husbands toss around the idea of a wife swap, their wives are somewhat unresponsive and claim it’s “up in the air.” They take this literally and plan a day of new experiences none of them will ever forget. Little did they know that they wouldn’t be the only ones on the plane … another down to earth couple, Pierre and Claudette, would teach them everything they’d ever need to know about swapping.

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The Brotherhood of Traveling Sans Pants

Three men disatisfied with modern life burn all of their possessions (including their wives and clothing), and head out to the open desert to live the lives that society denied them. It has been billed as Easy Rider meets Guys Gone Wild. Winner of a Woodie in 2007 for Best (not musical) Score.

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Posted on Jan 25, 2009 by The Lobster Man — Bizarre / From the Web / Humor — 2 comments

Save our cats from fishermen.

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This site has been posted everywhere for the past few days, but is it a real thing, or someone trying to make money off of animal lovers? You be the judge!

http://www.saveourcatsfromfishermen.com

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