For a person who can watch C-SPAN with as much enthusiasm as SportsCenter, the first debate was a complete struggle. It was like watching two Russians in a slow, heavyweight boxing match. I was the fan that stayed the entirety just to boo.
The University of Mississippi based event was supposed to center on foreign policy—what countries we will and won’t invade in the next presidency and what not—until the damned economy went limp like a drunk date. Then, the moderator, Jim Lehrer of PBS (the channel with Sesame Street and Barney), justified leading with the “global financial crises.” Thank sweet Buddha that the planet Algernon from the Pegasus Dwarf galaxy invested in Google. Obviously, neither of these men had prepared as extensively for economic debate as much as they had for the foreign policy portion.
As much as I like my money, I’d rather donate it to programming like News Hour than listen to respective referendums on tax reform. I’d rather have my eyeballs sanded out of my face actually. Inevitably, talks on the economy skewed this way for much of the debate. This segment could have been spiced up with some wife or mother insults, but no. McCain persisted with pork barrel spending (money spend on radio stations in Madagascar and clicky pens instead of twisty ones) and Obama pushed a supposed tax cut for 95% of the country. Thanks. We’ll need that money for when you guys bail the other 5% on our paychecks. When they finally focused on good stuff, on foreign policy, things got a bit edgier.
Like the usual sound bytes, Obama linked the war in Iraq to Bush and McCain. McCain acted like Ike Eisenhower and derided Obama’s voting record. At one point it seemed like they might have sparred, when Obama said he would fight on Pakistani soil to combat the Taliban. McCain responded: “You can’t say that out loud,” as if he said that Laura Bush was cheating on W with Harry Reid. Obama acted like some pacifist mediator though and wouldn’t punch back. They never got to the good stuff like black mail photos, name calling, and legacy pummeling, you know, the stuff we like to see on TV.
Things may end in Iraq, but, we’re in for a long haul in Afghanistan. Congress may pass a bill for $700 billion bills in economic aid. But, we’re still going to be broke for a while (not forever). The debate proved that as much as we want peace and prosperity we may have to settle patience and panhandling. At least give us some good TV while we wait.
As we all know, our society is cratering around us. The economy is in the tank. People have lost faith in their government (again). Pop-culture is on a back-and-forth see-saw of failure and mediocrity.
Long gone are the days of good old American hard-work and creativity. We are now left with a society of idiots dependant on Blackberrys and iPhones. I always like to come back to the notion of human interaction. I, personally, make it a point to, every week, make sure that I am filling some sort of quota for interacting with people. This is because I never want to fall into the trap that Americans have set for themselves of being so dependant on technology.
We are so detatched from reality these days. If it’s not on a computer, It’s not big enough to care about. That’s the ticket, right? Wrong (on so many levels, I might add). Time after time, I find myself lambasting today’s youth and wondering: What if I’m really the one out of touch and not them? Then I watch MTV (not intentionally) and quickly snap back to reality myself.
What happened? Where did we go wrong? This is a problem too systematic that we can not simply pin-point a President or an authority figure. This is not a government problem, It’s a YOU problem. YOU fucked up, America. You’re moving too fast, forcing people to upgrade or be ridiculed for living in the past. Get this, buy that, wear this, eat that, no, not that, that’s bad for you, eat this instead.
I is failed abortion.
Don’t even get me started on the music industry (too late). Radio has gone to shit. Too watered-down with playlists of only 300 songs or less. The only good thing is that with the rise of Indie music and blogs, music is traded as freely as baseball cards were in the 50’s. This is very good news for people who actively seek out new music, like myself. But for most lazy Americans, it means that they are stuck bowing to the whim of the Morning Zoos of the world and listening to ringtone rap and Nickleback. If I have to walk into work and hear some shithead mom in her 40’s sing “Gurl wit dem apple bottom jeans…” one more fucking time I’m going to vomit into their ear and yell out at them “Now you know how I feel!”
EMO girl is happy and sad at the CW.
I have to go. I’m about to have an anurism. But there is no doubt that this topic of American decay is endlessly fasinating to me and will be written about periodically in the future again and again until I see any signs of hope in this vast wasteland we call America.
Sometimes I wish that I had the same sort of candid experience as selling bizarre things at a yard sale or even being behind the register of a porn store, when looking over who reads this column. I would like to know, who is secretly looking here, and when they are doing it. Are you looking over your shoulder, when you are here, reading about comic books? Or are you so secure enough with who you are, that it doesn’t matter who knows you like Aquaman or that you know at least five people in the Legion of Superheroes?
Nowadays, thanks to the success of ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘Iron Man’ it seems like people are proud to say they are comic book fans. But you see, you can’t have your cake and eat it too, and it would seem that there has to be a true sense of balance at the box office. In movie theaters, comic book characters are on top, and with the recent bombing of ‘Star Wars: The Clone Wars’, the animated movie that takes place between Episode II and III of George Lucas’s epic Tale, Star Wars seems to be on the bottom. You have to love the Force in secret, these days.
It is fab now to bash Star Wars, even though we all slept underneath a blanket that had Luke riding a tauntaun on Hoth, when we were five years old. We were first in line when the classic trilogy movies were re-released in theaters, yet, less than a decade later, we scoff whenever we hear the words ‘Lucas’, ‘Sith’ or ‘light saber’. So, right now, to be reading this, you must really love Star Wars to the core (well either that, or you are bored at work, and are just clicking on articles). Now, I am about to tell you everything you wanted to know about the FORCE UNLEASHED. So, going back to my weird, yard sale/porn store metaphor- you have walked into the porn store, and now you have made your way to the Anal section. Welcome to pure Star Wars comic goodness.
You see, that is what THE FORCE UNLEASHED is, everything you loved about the classic Star Wars trilogy, and everything you thought was salvageable from the prequel trilogy. THE FORCE UNLEASHED is a comic based on a novel, that was based on a videogame (I shit you not) that actually delivers on a dramatic level. It tells the story of Darth Vader’s secret apprentice, a man only known as ‘Starkiller’. True Star Wars geeks will note that Starkiller is the original last name George Lucas wrote down for Luke Skywalker’s character, when writing the script for the first Star Wars movie. But who cares what true Star Wars geeks think? They already know what this Apprentice’s midichlorian count is (Star Wars’ humor).
Starkiller is trained by Darth Vader to hunt down and exterminate the Jedi that have lived on after the end of Episode III. On the side, Vader has also been training Starkiller to take out the Father of all evil old man bad guys, The Emperor. In a way, Starkiller is like the son, Vader thought he had accidentally killed when choking his wife Padme- a Luke before there was an idea of Luke, who Vader was able to turn to the dark side. I really don’t want to give away too much more of the actual plot of the story, since some of the twists are quite satisfying for Star Wars fans. Let’s just say that this Starkiller character, though never mentioned in any of the movies, has a tremendous effect on the entire Star Wars universe.
Starkiller, in the videogame, and therefore in the comic book, was modeled on the actor, Sam Witwer. You most likely will not recognize his name, but you will probably recognize his face. He was in the first season of ‘Dexter’ as well as the second season of ‘Battlestar Galactica’ and could also be seen in the movie, ‘The Mist’. Witwer was an excellent choice to be the model for this character, since he has proven to be as intense an actor as the Apprentice is as intense a character.
I recommend this book to all Star Wars fans, whether you read comics or not. THE FORCE UNLEASHED bridges the gap between the prequel trilogy and the classic trilogy, and does so using characters with unspecified morals, the struggle between the light side of the force and the dark, that can be found in every character, and pure lazer blast filled excitement. Pick up this book, and don’t worry, the comic shop owner will hide it in a brown bag, so that no one outside the store knows what you bought.
It’s just that simple. Don’t spend money on something with a credit card or get a loan if you know you won’t be able to pay it back. Confused? Let me give you an example. Say you are looking to buy a car for $120,000. But you know that with the amount of money you make each month you will not be able to make the payments. You take out a loan. But even though the bank granted you that loan you know you still won’t have the money to pay it off. So, you simply don’t buy the expensive car. See, now you’ve got it.
“Guys like Chris Oliveri are putting it all out there.
Booty call brags; fire and brimstone sermons; leaks from the new “Harry Potter” flick; and, not least of all, new music.
Name it and you can download it to an MP3 player.
“People are inherently voyeuristic. Some people are living voyeuristically,” says the 25-year-old Web producer from New Springville, whose “Degocast” spotlights three 20-something Island dudes debating everything from global warming to how to pass gas in front of a new love.
Oliveri is just one of the diverse Island “podcasters” allowing their privacy to be invaded by the masses. Well, not quite the masses — yet.
Podcasts mainstreamed in 2005 when Apple integrated the 2-year-old software into the online jukebox juggernaut that is iTunes. Declared “Word of the Year” by the New Oxford American Dictionary, it was defined as “a digital recording of a radio broadcast or similar program made available on the Internet for downloading to a personal audio player.”"
This is just one more example why people need to respect the fine people over at Mike Shane Photography…
Since we were children, we have gone out of our way to be accepted. We couldn’t wear clothes that were out of style or have a haircut that didn’t fit in; otherwise we would be ostracized and picked on. So, we all, one way or another played the game so others would accept us. You have all heard it. You wanted to be a “cool kid”. Think about it now. How much of that has actually changed?
As teenagers and even adults, we attempt to conform to the group we are with at any given moment. This is even more applicable to those of you in the business world. Salesmen are the most keen at camouflaging themselves to others. From the way we speak to our general mannerisms, we take on a totally different persona in order to be liked…even if it means laughing at a joke you wouldn’t ordinarily find funny.
It’s not unnatural for us, as humans, to seek acceptance. History tells us that the earliest forms of humans were always traveling and hunting in groups. Today, group acceptance is slightly more selective. What group do you belong to? You don’t have one? What about your friends? Your friends are nothing more than a group that was the easiest for you to adapt to. Chances are that you and your friends share similar taste in music, clothing, and humor. Even those who claim that conforming is evil, or Emos, are still conforming to the “anti-conforming” group.
That, my good people, is how we classify our society. By simply looking at an individual, you can classify them as Emo, Hip-Hoper, Rocker, or even a Hippy. So, as it turns out, you can judge a book by its cover. You may not be able to tell every detail, however, you can get a sense for the tastes of an individual by simply noticing their general appearance.
I’m not stating that this is a bad thing; most people make a lot of money, or a lot of friends, by camouflaging. Just be aware that you are doing it. Remember the person in the mirror and think about what you like and think. Camouflaging is a skill, but it is a dangerous one. You can get lost in the game of adapting. Just remember who you are, even when you are standing comfortable accepted in a room full of strangers.
Well I just lost my medical coverage. So now I’m unemployed and uncovered. It feels freeing in an odd way. I could complain about the job market and that I don’t have coverage because I can’t find work. Or I could tell you that I should have medical coverage because as a citizen of Earth 2008 we should all have it. But that just leads into the same old fights. Maybe I’m just in a more hopeful mood lately, I think the Joker in me is settling in and I’m enjoying the chaos of America right now. The president, the government, the economy, the justice system, the university system, the military. See everything in this country is breaking down and that’s just great. We are evolving beyond the things we were and the things we had, this is revolution, and revolution is never pretty. By the way I don’t think we’re breaking down because we suck we’re breaking down because we’re too lazy to create new shit. America is like a car that’s lost it’s passenger window, but instead of fixing the window you put newspaper over it, then you create comities and organizations and think-tanks charged with the task of maintaining the newspaper-window. America does suck though now that we’re at it. But most places suck, you know? People always prove America’s worth by telling you everything that’s wrong with other places, but that’s hardly proof of our greatness. We have no industry here, yet we have all these problems. We need to take the problems and let them birth new industry. Thus new jobs, and new money.
Patriotism will never work; it’s a silly and stupid tactic of inspiration. It’s like the O’Doyle family from “Billy Madison”, constantly shouting “O’Doyle rules!” Americans saying “we’re number one” doesn’t say that much, of course Americans would say they’re number one, there is clearly a bias in stating the place you live is best out of all places. Of course saying all this does make me Patriotic…hhmm.
SCREW YOU, That was funny cuz it was a halloween reference and it highlighted your affinity for alcoholism…the same disease that turned your sister into a porn star. Welcome to the Pre-Halloween edition of the McGyptian Blog. Now no one really reads this so I’ll just be my own audience. I am a die hard horror movie fanatic and the movie monsters always held a special place in my heart. Even the pussies like Candyman, Scream guy, and OJ Simpson gave me a scare or 2. Today I’m gonna list the most popular movie monsters and give you a background and why they are so awesome. Those who are looking for factual info on these characters better switch sites and head to wiki. THAT MEANS YOU SHAM!
THE LIST IS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER SO NO ONE BITCHES ABOUT THE BEST ONE. COOLEST WILL BE ANNOUNCED AFTER ALL THE READERS VOTE. AND I AM ALL THE READERS SO I WILL CHOOSE AT THE END.
THE CANDYMAN
Now I know of this movie monster/murderer and I know the story vaguely. I think it follows the hijinks of a disgruntled confection salesman who wears plastic innards over his jacket to scare children about the dangers of eating too much candy. The Candyman’s lesson: Eat too much candy and your body turns into a beehive. His real story is he is a slave who bumped uglies with a white plantation owner’s daughter. He is tortured and murdered. For some odd reason they call him candyman. You say his name or a black joke in the mirror and he kills you. Get off Bloody Mary’s Dick and get your own legend.
HOW HE KILLS: Well he has a hook. So, he probably kills you with various maneuvers with his hook which I’m sure would cause bleeding and eventual death if you were anemic and couldn’t get to neosporin or a small bandaid.
CLEVER ONE LINER: I got candy and junk…Actually: They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What’s blood for, if not for shedding?
CHARLES LEE RAY aka CHUCKY (A DOLL)
Everyone is familiar with Chucky, the killer doll, from Child’s Play. The story goes that some murderer is running from the police, he gets shot, voodoo, becomes doll, yadda yadda, kid gets doll, Ridiculousness ensues. Now I think he is awesome because of his voice. Brad Dourif kills that shit, but every time I watch this I have to get up and strike myself with a household item and remind myself that…IT’S A FRICKING DOLL! the guy who put his soul in it was a scrawny little bitch too so unless Chucky has the power to drain even the smallest amount of power it takes to tear a dolls arms off then I need to go punch a baby. Oh and yes the doll has muscles and organs. Ok, here’s a project. Go and find a creature roughly the size of a Good guy doll, like a raccoon. And kick it. See how far it went? Yeah that what I’d do to you, you little doll bitch. Did my good guy just move?
HOW HE KILLS: With his tiny little knives, or with large knives that couldn’t possibly fit in his little pigmy, infant hands. You got bitch hands Chucky? Now how ya gonna act baby fist?
CLEVER ONE LINER: Hi, I’m Chucky. Wanna play? Yeah, in traffic after watching that film. OOHHHHHHHH!
FREDDY KREUGER aka Pizzaface McStabbyhand
Now this is one of the most popular movie monsters of our time. Who hasn’t seen one of the many frightening films Wes Craven has so kindly blessed us with. I know I can’t get the frightening theme music out of my head. 1,2 Sham’s comin for you…3,4 your mom locked the door…5, 6 your mom loves the dick, 7,8 ill use the back gate, 9 10 had to break the window again. O wait thats Nightsex on your Moms street. OHHHHH. Good one Sham. Thanks. This film is about a pedophile who tortured and killed children. When the victims families find out he is out of prison they burn him alive. He makes a deal with these 2 demons that look like sperm and he invades your dreams and makes them come true. Some of the films are pretty scary, and some are laughable at best. I always wondered instead of like getting weapons ready for him when you wake up, just watch like donkey porn and those porns where gay midgets bang big fat clowns with horns and balloon animals and then most likely you’ll dream about it after vomiting for a couple hours. I’m pretty sure freddy would peek his head in that dream and slowly back out while whistling.
CLEVER ONE LINER: You’ve got the body and I’ve got the brain…How sweet, fresh meat…and everyone’s favorite…Wow, this acne has really gotten out of hand.
Freddy even did a duet with Will Smith…Beat that bitches!
Nightmare On my Street. By The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff
PENNYWISE or IT
Well, nothing is scarier than a monster called “IT”. Observe.
Jim Bob: Run man, it’s coming.
Jebediah: What’s coming?
Jim Bob: It! It’s coming!
Jebediah: How in tarnation am I supposed to know the exact velocity in which to run unless I am properly informed as to what “it” is.
Jim Bob: Fuckin clown gone and done killin up all the folk round here! and he’s a comin!
Jebediah: Clowns do not scare me.
Point proven.
Im not going to lie, this movie scared the bejesus out of me. Well Tim Curry in make up would scare anyone…
HAHAHAHA. You are hilarious sham! How do you do it? You are an infinite casm of comedy. Thank you, Thank you.
The story goes as follows. Bunch of kids are losers. They each come into contact with this pedophilic clown named Pennywise. He touches a couple of them innapropriately, they go into the sewers for revenge. They get older and form a clown rape support group. Actually the story is pretty good and the clown is friggin scary. My only thing is no children in their right mind would go into the sewers to defeat a clown monster, no matter how much money Stephen King offered them. RIP JONATHAN BRANDIS. We all float down here, and you float up there….you float up there.
CLEVER ONE LINER: You want a balloon? Here, now lemme touch your peeshy… They ALL float down here. When you’re down here with us, you’ll float too!
JASON VOORHEES
This is about a 7 or 8 year old kid who comes back from the dead after drowning. Now apparently while he was dead he was given a healthy dose of horse steroids and growth harmones because he comes back as a huge fucker. Like many other movie maniacs he can’t die and even if you outrun him with a ferrari he will appear in front of you when you stop. I’ve come to the conclusion that monsters like Jason construct elaborate pulley/zipline systems above the wooded areas they haunt. Once the areas are mapped out the complicated, yet extremely fast wire ways become perfect ways for Jason to cut you off. I have used ms paint to draw an artists rendering of these wire ways.
They probably just rotate who controls the ziplines one night. Jason mon, wed, fri…Michael Myers Tues, thurs, and sat…everyone knows monsters take off sundays to watch Entourage.
He has been crushed, burned, sodomized, quartered, blown to pieces, blown while eating rieces pieces and still he comes back. Like that girlfriend you found out had the clap. I said no Tina! But overall I think Jason is one of the most badass of all time. You get your revenge you 400lb, 6′8 little boy!
CLEVER ONE LINER: GLLRRBB…BLLBGLRRBBB which means…I HATE PREMARITAL SEX!
LEATHERFACE
Now, Leatherface is less supernatural than the preceding killers. He’s just a fucking nutjob who likes to cut off peoples faces and wear them like masks. You find out he’s part of this hick, cannibal family who look like they would smell pretty awful in person. He wields this chainsaw and just screams and waves it about like some fairy on queludes who just found out Liberachi died. He cuts up a bunch of people and that’s pretty much it throughout the sequels…except he dresses like a woman in one which stars Matthew McConoughey and Renee Zellwegger. Their performances are oscar worthy to say the least. I see Leatherface as a mediocre movie monster because I think serial killers are 12 for ten cents. Only plus about Leatherface is you get to see Jessica Biels boobs in a wet shirt in the remake of the movie.
CLEVER ONE LINER: AHHHHHHHHH ::chainsaw:: AHHHHHHHHHH ::chainsaw::
Last but certainly not least…
MICHAEL MYERS
Now Michael is a beloved movie monster just because of the pure evil he embodies. I for one just like the mask. I mean, his mask and Jason’s are pretty equal in bad-assery, but just something about the blank human stare on Michael Myers’ face. Awesome. Oh and he kills his whore sister as a small child. One thing I don’t get. How come every monster that is unmasked has to have a sloth face? Even Jason in Friday the 13th drowning, had sloth face. Am I supposed to believe that all retarded kids can morph into supernatural serial killers? If so I resign as head of retard affairs for the special Olympics. You aren’t gonna murder this guy with your helmet little timmy. OHHH NOOO!
NOTE: SHAM DOES NOT CONDONE THE WORDS “RETARD” OR “SLOTHFACE” AROUND AN ACTUAL RETARD OR SLOTHFACE.
UPDATE: WE HAVE WORD THAT THE MOUTH OF HELL HAS SWALLOWED SHAM.
Now that I’ve gone through all of the modern movie monsters who have caused you to soil yourself throughout the years, lets reminisce about all the “Classic” monsters from back in the day…The originals that blow modern monsters for money.
Who could forget…
DRACULA
Pretty much blatantly homosexual. Only uses women for blood. Leaves the real sucking to his male victims. Dresses like Liberachi. Sleeps in a coffin that looks like a 90 year old woman designed it. Bela Lugosi was pretty good. Still thought he liked pole. Christopher Lee was good…at cocksmoking…Best Dracula…hands down…would have to be…Gary Oldman…fuck you if you don’t agree.
THE MUMMY
I have a personal connection with this prolific character for obvious reason I won’t resort to in fear I will be racially attacked by my mother. The mummy was creepy, but if it was in my house I wouldn’t be scared, I’d be pissed I have to vaccuum, I mean it’s kind of dusty. No one likes a dusty, draggy thing messin up your carpet.
THE WOLFMAN
I love the wolfman, though werewolf sounds cooler. Lycan is a new word that the man created to take away the original magic of horror movies and make everything sound scientific. What the hell is a spermicidal Lubricant? Why couldn’t we have just kept it as Slippy dicky, anti baby Jelly? Fucking government. Wolfman…I salute you.
FRANKENSTEIN
The book didn’t impress me…Robert Deniro’s take of an Italian Mobster Version of Frankenstein’s monster intrigued me, but ultimately disappointed. All in all it’s a weak character who lacks depth and…a soul! ZINGGGGG…SPOT ON SHAM…SPOT ON!…..Thank you.
Last but absolutely least and last…
THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
First of all get a shorter fucking name. By the time you say “Oh no! It’s the cre…” the thing has already grabbed you. They call it “the creature”, but seriously the movie should’ve been called “Holy shit, do you see that…a fish with legs…that’s wild…Well I better get some cream for this rash on my balls.” MUCH BETTER TITLE. I mean it’s a glorified fish for fuck’s sake. Just throw sand in its face and keep it out of the water. BOOM. THE END.
AND NOW THE MOMENT YOU ALL (ME) HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR…ALL YOU DAPS FANS VOTED AND YOUR PICK FOR THE COOLEST MOVIE MONSTER IS…
LEPRECHAUN? Seriously…I’m not even going to dignify this with information.
HAHAHA SHAM CHOOSES MICHAEL MYERS. OBVIOUSLY ALL THE DAPS READERS ARE SLOTH FACES…MUAHAHAHAHA. WHO DO YOU THINK TOPS THE LIST? IF I’VE FORGOTTEN ANY GO TO HELL MY HANDS HURT, AND FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THE LIST BOYS AND GHOULS! HOT DAMN I’M GOOD! NO1s READING THIS ANYWAY! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Well I just lost my medical coverage. So now I’m unemployed and uncovered. It feels freeing in an odd way. I could complain about the job market and that I don’t have coverage because I can’t find work. Or I could tell you that I should have medical coverage because as a citizen of Earth 2008 we should all have it. But that just leads into the same old fights. Maybe I’m just in a more hopeful mood lately, I think the Joker in me is settling in and I’m enjoying the chaos of America right now. The president, the government, the economy, the justice system, the university system, the military. See everything in this country is breaking down and that’s just great. We are evolving beyond the things we were and the things we had, this is revolution, and revolution is never pretty. By the way I don’t think we’re breaking down because we suck we’re breaking down because we’re too lazy to create new shit. America is like a car that’s lost it’s passenger window, but instead of fixing the window you put newspaper over it, then you create comities and organizations and think-tanks charged with the task of maintaining the newspaper-window. America does suck though now that we’re at it. But most places suck, you know? People always prove America’s worth by telling you everything that’s wrong with other places, but that’s hardly proof of our greatness. We have no industry here, yet we have all these problems. We need to take the problems and let them birth new industry. Thus new jobs, and new money.
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