Posts in June, 2008

Posted on Jun 29, 2008 by MightyVin — Bizarre / DAPSpecific / Politics / Uncategorized / Vin's F***ing Uncensored Blog — 3 comments

President Forte: Religion and Censorship…

Vote Quimby, er, I mean, Forte.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about me running for president this year as a write-in candidate.

Link to President Forte #1: http://www.dogandponyshowwebsite.com/blogs/mightyvin/president-forte

I announced a mixed-bag of small ideas that would be put into play if I were to be elected. Now it’s time to get more specific. Here are my thoughts on religion and censorship.

Tax-exemption for religion:
The church of SITH

Did you know that religious organizations don’t have to pay taxes? I say bull-fucking-shit they don’t. To paraphrase a George Carlin routine, God loves you all very much, has a divine plan, and superpowers out the ass; but for some reason he always needs money?

Now i’m not a complete idiot. I realize that the church collection plate(hopefully) goes to the needy. I’m talking about the throngs of B.S. televangelists out there claiming that God finds time in his schedule to talk to them on a nightly basis and asks for money. Money for what? Stadium seating in the Southern Baptist Church of the Apostolic Orthodox Latterday Assholes? These false prophets need money like George Bush needs a third term.

But back to the taxes. I say we tax these overfunded con-artists out the ass and use the money to build bulldozers to tear-down their Caligula-sized “churches” with. If the “Church” of Scientology doesn’t have to pay taxes then the least I could do is start my own parish out of my parent’s basement. At the very least it might mean that my parents would never have to pay taxes again, they would be forever-grateful to me, and with the money saved I could get a new car out of the whole thing.

The FCC:
EPIC FAIL

Four words: Get rid of it!

The FCC has failed. It’s time we as a society abolish it and start fresh with new rules. Perhaps rules that don’t fine DJs $300,000 for indecent remarks that might not even include curses in it. Some fucking job security that must be. Picture having THAT hanging over your head every day when you go to work.

The FCC is the sole reason and catalyst for political correctness in our society. In turn, this is the reason that kids today are growing up desensitized to violence, soft, weak, stupid, and without a sense of reason. Janet Jackson can’t show a nipple but TNT can re-run The Matrix, Blade 2, and The Running Man on a loop every weekend? Something is not right here. Contrasting variables are not in balance.

Children’s shows have become dumbed-down and downgraded into mindless violence created with suedo-japanimation and pastel colors. Even game shows don’t take a chance on anything creative. Deal or No Deal: pick a case, open case, end of game. WOW. Real complicated shit we’re dealing with.

But godforbid shows make themselves interesting enough that some old-fuck in Montana with too much goddamn time on his hands gets offended by Dennis Franz’s ass, has a shit-fit, and alerts the all-powerful FCC. We wouldn’t want that, now would we?

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Posted on Jun 27, 2008 by MightyVin — Bizarre / Geek / Movies & TV / Music / Versus / Vin's F***ing Uncensored Blog — 2 comments

VERSUS!: Shampoo vs. Conditioner…

Thy will be done.

Is it stupid? Is it a cop-out? Is it a cheap attempt to cash-in on a popular comedy from the 90’s? Is it borderline genius? The answer to all of these questions(and probably more) is a resounding “yes”.

This is one of those VERSUS! that you keep in the back of your head and think “he’s too smart to be pulling shit like this.” To which I reply: Think again.

It is what it is; and here it is:

Shampoo:
shampoo iz hair food?

Some would argue that shampoo is better because it goes on first and cleans the hair.

Conditioner
Ylang Ylang Conditioner?

Some might argue that conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth.

Which do you choose?

I am stupid.
This is to show how stupid i am.

GO FUCKING NUTS!!1!

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Posted on Jun 27, 2008 by DegoCast — Degocast — 9 comments

DEGOCAST 04: About Preggos and Pissy McGee

"I was reading pregnant fit magazine"

Once again prepare for ear vagina sex. Do you want to know if Emilio Sparks deficates feces with hair? Well even if you don’t you want to know who would give a pregnant lady fist love…

Featuring tracks from Sparks’ good friend Maino. It’s for all our friends over at Serpentine Magazine “Hi haters”

also

Be sure to check out the Band with Spark’s favorite flutist. After introducing them at the Rock The Harbor festival it’s Bluish with “Sooner Than Later”

Preace

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Posted on Jun 25, 2008 by MightyVin — Bizarre / Geek / Humor / Vin's F***ing Uncensored Blog — 7 comments

Live-Blog: Biodetection Technologies Conference 2008…

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Read from bottom to top

9:25pm: Well, it looks like I can never go back to New York. I’ve killed the farmer so that I could feast on his brain and drink his blood so that I would have protein and liquid to survive out in the forest. I guess i’ll just have to roam the land, Bill Bixby style, so that I won’t be caught by the police. I’ll still be writing for DAPS so long as I have my laptop. But the killing will probably never end(so long as I still have a taste for blood). That’s just something you guys on the site will have to get used to. I’ll probably show-up for special events here and there; but for now i’m just going to hang low and hop from town to town in search of cool things to write about. Well, i’m tired. Killing people can sure wear a guy out. I’m going to sleep. I’ll be back writing my usual banter in a few days. Goodnight everyone.

8:50pm: Well, I was on the 8:05 train to Boston. I stole Dave’s sword and took it on the train with me. A few minutes into the ride, a small child noticed my sword and wanted to see it. I took it out for him to look at. After he was done looking at it I told him to close his eyes and I would give him some candy. I then took the sword and sliced the child’s head off. This didn’t go over well with the other passengers, so I was pretty much forced to kill all of them. After killing everyone, including the conductor, I jumped off of the side of the train and on to a pile of wet hay on the outside of a farm. I am currently writing this from within a barn. I’ll post another update sometime before 9:30.

7:35pm: I think that Dave is on to me. He keeps giving me strange looks and excusing himself to go make phone calls. I am planning on stealing one of his swords and sneaking out of the house when he’s not looking. From there i’ll probably catch the next train out of town and start my life a new.

6:53pm: I’m currently at my friend’s house; he doesn’t want his name revealed(don’t tell anyone, it’s Dave Pacheco). I am closely eyeballing his authentic samurai swords and am contemplating using them to fend off the police if and when they find me. Dave’s cool. He’s making pancakes for dinner; that’s crazy. Breakfast for dinner? I like it. Things are starting to look up for me. I’ll keep you posted sometime near the end of the seven o’clock hour.

5:57pm: Bad news; the web feed still isn’t working. I decided to pawn my watch for a vial of Salvia and some Twix bars. They were both delicious. A homeless man tried to steal my laptop so I beat him to death with a heavy rock. Currently I am hiding out in the ball-pit of a Chuck-E-Cheese. I think the parents are on to me. Got to go; will post another update before seven.

5:25pm: Long story short, Drew found the dead girl scouts in my furnace and upon attempting to silence him with my fire-poker, he escaped out of the window that I had broken with my Rock Band guitar earlier in the day. He probably called the police. I am now on a bus with my laptop and am traveling to an undisclosed location to attempt to watch the live feed from the conference again. Should be fun. I’ll post another update at the top of the hour.

4:30pm: That was a pain in the ass. Those cat brains leave some mighty big stains that are hard to get out. Drew just called me up and said that he is coming over on his way home from work–and he’s bringing hot wings. I think he’s here, so i’ll go get the door and update you all in about forty minutes.

3:15pm: Yummy. Those pecan sandies were delicious. It’s too bad the girl scouts weren’t here to enjoy them–because they are all dead. The party balloons I blew up are starting to deflate. I was feeling cold because my air conditioning won’t turn off; so I warmed myself up by putting a loaded gun in my mouth. I also got board and started to play Russian Roulette with my pet cat, Whiskers. I won, but Whiskers wasn’t so lucky. I have to go now; I have to go scrape Whiskers’ brains off of my kitchen wall. I’ll be back in about an hour.

2:20pm: A little while ago my doorbell rang; it was a pack of girl scouts selling cookies. Seeing as I had no money on me, I decided to lure them into my house and throw them into my furnace. Well how else was I supposed to get away with stealing their delicious cookies? I’m not worried about the parents. They were waiting in their cars outside, so I took out my flamethrower, burned them alive, and sent them to hell. All this killing is making me hungry. I think i’ll go eat more of those cookies and take a short nap. I’ll be back in about an hour.

1:25pm: It’s official; my live feed of the event is broken. I’ve started to just give-up and play Xbox. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance is a really underrated video game. I did start out playing Rock Band but my controller broke after I repeatedly slammed it into my window after failing to get past the solo in Say it ain’t so for the 20th time. Oh, wait. Someone is at the door. I’ll write more in a little while.

12:34pm: Well, i’m back home and on my answering machine are messages from Damien, Tavis, Casey, Flam, Rocco, Phil, Billy, and everyone else from the site. It seems that they all can’t make it. Fine. I guess i’ll just watch the Biodetection Technologies Conference by myself. I can’t wait to hear Prof. James Falkner talk about the advent of the effects of Hawking radiation on Polar Bears in Alaska. As of right now, the video feed on my computer isn’t working so I can’t watch any of it yet. I’m sure it’s just booting-up. It should be running fine by 1:00pm.

11:56am: Well that was sure something. I went to go pick up the party clown, and when I got to his house he was smoking a pack of Virginia Slims and wanted his money up-front. Since all of us guys have decided to chip-in for the clown, I don’t yet have the money. He then pulled a knife on me and tried to shank my neck. Luckily I was able to wrestle off one of his clown shoes and throw it at his balls as I was running away. On the ride back home, Mikey said that he couldn’t make it. Soon after, Chris and Drew also called and told me that they were not going to come as well. I stopped off for some White Castle on the way home and started to drown my sorrows in undersized meats and krinkle-fries. Next update should come in less than an hour.

9:35am: Oh boy, today is going to be great. I’ve invited the whole gang from DAPS over for a party to watch the Biodetection Technologies Conference 2008 live via webcam off of my Mac. There’s going to be chips and salsa(yum), cotton candy, balloons, and a party clown. Speaking of which, I have to go pick him up now. He lives all the way out in Newark, NJ so i’ll probably post the next update around noon.

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Posted on Jun 24, 2008 by Phil Unofficial — Simple Thoughts — No comments

Simple Thoughts For A Complicated Man…(Global Warming)

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The Earth spins on an axis around an orbit. We all know this to be factual. We all know how gravity works. Then why is this so complicated? The Earth’s axis is like a ball at the end of a rubber band your spinning in your hand. The ball will act as the Earth and your hand will act as the Sun. There will be times the ball will be closer to your hand and others where the ball will be farther away. This causes “ages” as we would put it, and in turn causes changes in the Earth’s atmosphere. These “ages” are similar to the seasons we go through, only on a longer time line. Winter, Summer, Spring, and Fall depend on where the Earth is on its orbit… Are we all following? Good.

Right now we are going into a Tropic Age where temperatures and water levels will rise. Any scientist will tell you, the Earth has already been through this stage millions of years ago. This DOES NOT mean we are all going to die, we are simply on the orbit closer to the Sun. NOT BECAUSE I USE ARESOLE SPRAY DEODORANT!

When this “age” passes, things will be back to the way they were, as people in this lifetime remember it. After that the Earth will continue it’s rubber band spin and be farther away from the Sun, causing an “Ice Age”, another age we have been through. You didn’t really think it was a meteor, did you? How can a giant flaming ball of rock and fire falling from the sky at maximum speed, collide with Earth and cause an Ice Age?

Global warming and “going green” is something that has been around since the ’60’s, and not much has changed. It’s an excuse for people like Al Gore and vegans to be noticed and complain about something else.

I think it’s a great excuse to clean up the environment and stop taking all of our natural resources for granted. On the other hand, when the government stops testing nuclear bombs in the deserts of Nevada and Arizona, I’ll cut down on my driving. Bottom line is that there is no way my car is doing nearly as much damage to the atmosphere than that is.

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Posted on Jun 23, 2008 by Mike — From the Web / Humor — 2 comments

Class Clown RIP

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When I was in 8th grade I became obsessed with “the Beatles,” and I mean obsessed. I became a total hippie, or at least as much as a hippie as one can be when you’re in junior high. After 8th grade was over my family bought a house on Staten Island. One day before the big move, my dad told me he was going to take a ride to the storage place.

Apparently we had a lot of old stuff in storage which we were going to get and bring into the new house. I asked my dad if there was anything cool in there. He told me “not really, some old books, boxes of photographs, some old records.” My ears perked up! Records! Like “Beatles” records I asked!? Yeah sure. So I go with Dad to the storage place and take home every box of records I can find.

Now for those of you who aren’t as old as me, you have to understand, there were no MP3s, just CDs. Records still had an allure to them, an old world charm if you will. As I searched through the boxes I found so much cool stuff of my Dad’s. “The Who’s Tommy”, “Sgt. Pepper”, some “BeeGees” (okay not so cool). Then I saw it. “Class Clown” by George Carlin. Now I had seen George Carlin before; tidbits of his stand-up, his short lived Fox sitcom, and of course his role in “Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure”. But the man I saw on that album was not the same man I knew. He was young, had long hair, a six pack, cool hippie clothes, he looked to me like the coolest mother fucker I has ever seen.

On the inside of the album when you unfolded it, there was a dedication “To Leonard Schneider, for taking all the risks…” I was too young to know that Leonard Schneider was “Lenny Bruce” Carlin’s hero.

I listened to “Class Clown” on my record player, every night as I went to sleep. The album isn’t the cynical Carlin of his later years, but is just as sharp, fast and brilliant as he ever was. I used to know it by heart. There was a time in my youth where I could have performed “Class Clown” to a T. George Carlin became one of my biggest heroes at that time. He remained so throughout my varied adventures, struggles in show business, and I imagine will remain so until I too am dead.

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Posted on Jun 23, 2008 by Anti-Semantic — Anti-Semantic Show — No comments

Episode 25 – On Obscure Movies

The first show we’ve done in a while and boy does it have A.D.D.  Most of the show we talk about movies you may not have ever heard of.  We also squeeze in a discussion about technology, get a funny story about Drew’s grandma and a stripper and discuss the Spanish ritual of baby jumping.  Seriously, they jump babies.  Look at the episode art.  That’s real.

All that and more including our regular bits.  Listen up and dial in or send us an email.  We’re like teenage girls and need a ton of attention.

- Pinder

Voice mail – 206-600-4497
E-mail – antisemanticshow@gmail.com
Myspace – www.myspace.com/antisemanticshow
Someoneelse’sspace – www.dogandponyshowwebsite.com

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Posted on Jun 23, 2008 by Carlo — From the Web — No comments

Cable TV, Comedy, George Carlin, everything else…

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Growing up in Brooklyn, NY was pretty cool. I had about 3,000 kids on my block to play with, and we had tons of fun. I never needed Cable TV. When we moved to Staten Island, I didn’t make too many friends on my block, mostly because there were no kids on my block. So my parents decided to get Cable.

I would watch Cable for hours at a time, days would be wasted just sitting in my living room. One of my favorite channels was Comedy Central. MST3000, Short Attention Span Theatre, Gallagher specials seemingly on loop, Really early Daily Shows (back when the “Moments of Zen” were funny). I really fell in love with stand-up comedy though. By the time I was in 4th grade I could recite jokes from every comic who appeared on Dr. Zatz. I knew Margaret Cho before the ABC flop, and Tim Allen when he was performing HBO specials from Dangerfields (though those were always old footage. Well not the one where the set looked like Dick Tracy, where he introduced the “Home Improvement” material.)

It was a golden age for me. I never really wanted to be a comic (and probably never really will) but I enjoyed comedy so much. My mother would sit and watch Comedy Central with me and one day told me about George Carlin.

“You mean that guy with the show on FOX?” I asked.

“Well… yeah.” My Mom replied.

I fell in love with George Carlin. Too young to know Lenny Bruce, and too naive to really get Richard Pryor (whom I only really knew from bad movies), George Carlin really appealed to my “anti-authority” attitude. (For the record, I didn’t know what “anti-authority” was. It was just a term my teachers used because I would always question their motives.)

George Carlin, in all reality, helped shape me into the cynical, non-trusting, inquisitive, self-deprecating, communist(lol) who loves to make fools of people in charge by using their own logic against them (a tactic I still use today).

Anyway I want to cut this short before I get long winded. Rest well George, and Thank you.

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Posted on Jun 23, 2008 by Maskim — Our Filthy Alley / Uncategorized — 5 comments

Our Filthy Alley: Favorite Parts

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You spot them, a stranger of whom you find attractive. Why? I am not asking in the chemical or metaphysical sense but simply the physical. What was it that your eye first perceived that you deemed this individual to be of that special status of “hot”? What if there was a wacky old theory that you have a subconscious fetish of sorts? As well does the person in the next room and your mom too. Gather closer around and read on.

I find myself alone in public waiting for something, anything. It has been a long day and quite comparably to that of being in a graveyard looking for life, desert seeking water, Rock the Harbor waiting for attendees… I find myself asking “Is there not a decent looking woman out today”? Then I see her. When I tell you her stomach was pristine I understate. Her stomach had just the right curves smooth, subtle and streamlined like god was thinking about the 1953 Corvette when this girl was under genetic production. Her hair is normal, I note her face, adorable but she looks pissed. Probably because I look like a skell and am obviously “checking her out” so to speak. Her legs are less than great- Houston, we have problem. She is noted to have sex organs, nice mammary glands at that but my particular interests are not met, I finish my cigarette and keep moving as that Stones tune “You cant always get what you want” plays in my brain.

My buddy Magnus Hirschfeld (a real Sexologist!) in the 1920’s introduced a theory called “partial attractiveness”, which argued that we are not attracted to someone as one piece but by discovering individual features they may have. Even back then when a “fetish” was considered a disease this loose “Paraphilia” was suggested to be a “healthy kind of fetishism” that we all seem to engage in, perhaps are dispositional to. We all happen to favor something different for good reason. Paraphilia is considered healthy until a singular body part becomes more important than the person whose limb it belongs to. Just so we are all clear this fetish by no means is limited to just arms and legs, however non-sexual body parts only.

I thought this was worth sharing and worth ten minutes of good conversation. Sharing ones favorite parts of their significant other proved tougher than it would seem. After an hour of pulling teeth I got somewhere, the neck, hands, lower back, and mouth were answers that came up often. This reminded me that it is still a “theory” and the idea that I may subconsciously be attracted Susan’s collar bone and knees from ten yards is a little much. What is real for me is the appreciation for the unique parts every one body has. When you look at your partner’s body you take notes, moles, scars, amputations and what have you- these are very special things.

Pretend in jest that this is real for the seven minutes it takes to read. This really is a fetish we as human beings happen to share. Embrace it, love it and respect the fuck out of the fact that we can discuss it. Imagine if your spouse of only one year never told you how much they adore your shoulders, chin, lower lip, back, arms and or tummy etc. An entire year of small dosages of adoration, lost for you both. Go ahead and ask him/her when you leave this alley, what they may have first noticed about you, what part they cherish now. It may be a bit surprising, just make sure you have a well thought on answer in return just to be fare. On the flip side you should tell him/her more often how awesome that part of them is.

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Posted on Jun 21, 2008 by Bill I Am — Humor / Movies & TV — No comments

Weak in Review: Murdoch Takes the Storm by Media

He told me it will snow in Mongolia.

He told me it will snow in Mongolia.

In an unprecedented media takeover, Rupert Murdoch and News Corp. announced that it has bought the rights to all of the world’s weather. A rumored buyout of the cable television channel, The Weather Channel, prompted Murdoch to up the stakes with a bid for climate conditions themselves.

The deal, announced Tuesday, cost the Australian media mogul $12 billion through a combination of cash and stock options, according to a report formed by clouds over the four major oceans. Late Monday night, attorneys for Murdoch and his corporation hammered out the final details with the former executor, God.

“After a series of hostile bids, which at first we adamantly rejected,” said Peter, a spokesman for the Lord, “we finally caved to the pressure in the best interest of our shareholders…I mean…followers. They just had too much money, even for us.”

Business analysts predict that Murdoch likely seized on the former administration’s exposed weakness after flooding in the Midwest, a devastating earthquake in China, and flooding in Myanmar.

“They just couldn’t keep up with things the way they were going,” said Reverend David Earney, making a sign of the cross. “Likely this will have little impact on Murdoch spiritually since he is already doomed to an eternity of fiery hell.”

Murdoch said he has no ambitions of world domination as of this time. He is merely exploring alternative possibilities to fabricating and profiting from the news, he said.

“I don’t want to cause ill for the world,” said Murdoch, “That is not my intention. At the same time, I really don’t want to do anything good for the world either. Global warming? Not my problem…I’m just a lowly television man.”

Several media outlets have decried the deal and one spokesman from CBS called it “a crime against civilization.” The overall tone seemed somber as news executives scrambled to adjust to the rapid unpredictable patterns, especially when a cold front from Canada froze most of the switchboards at NBC and ABC.

Murdoch serves as the Chairman and C.E.O. of News Corp., a media corporation that owns Fox and all of its television and film affiliates, the New York Post, the Wall Street Journal (which he acquired through Dow Jones). He also owns MySpace, the popular stalking and molestation site.

Besides his media holdings, Murdoch owns several Malaysian slaves, a silicon chip programmed to control Bill O’ Reilly, and a small island in which Fox films its reality shows and much of Prison Break.

How Murdoch can operate such a complex system as the environment remains to be seen. Advisors close to him have hinted at the possibility of a harnessing gravity, a large remote control with weather pictures on the buttons, and a Magic 8-ball that would decide at random.

News Corp. hinted at the possibility of an uncanny mid-June snowstorm in the Northeast as it ushered in its latest acquisition.

Spokesmen for the company claim that News Corp. hasn’t exacted its dominance over the media market in any substantial way. Nor, does this deal pose a threat to other outlets in and around the country.

“Meteorologists failed to predict the weather accurately 4 out of 5 days this week,” said Ben Brantley, a News Corp. executive. “So, really, everything has stayed the same.”

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